Letting Go...

She'll take the painting in the hallway,
The one she did in jr. high
And that old lamp up in the attic,
She'll need some light to study by.

She's had 18 years to get ready for this day
She should be past the tears, she cries some anyway...

Suzy Bogguss released a song in 1992 entitled "Letting Go". It is a very heartfelt song about a daughter going off to college and what her mom is supposed to do now that her daughter is gone. I hope this means as much to you as it did to me. Please watch the video and listen with your heart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcfgK4epT-M

Being a mother means “letting go” of my girls and letting them find their wings. The first time for me was letting the babies go to the nursery during church. While this is only for about 2 hours and was always someone I knew, it was difficult to turn over my small babes for someone else to care for. Just a small “letting go” before the bigger ones that come all too quickly.

“Letting go” to kindergarten came way too fast. It is suddenly half a day then a whole day that one, then two and then all three of my girls made their way to school. I had two then one then none left at home and I was left with nothing to do. I became super mom helper to more than just the girl’s teachers at school. I needed something to fill my time. This also meant I had access to the girls during the day. I think for the most part they enjoyed knowing that mom was close by. Just a small “letting go” before the bigger ones that come all too quickly.

“Letting go” to learn to drive is very scary for any parent. It is not so much your child as the driver but the other 50 million other drivers. Don’t they realize they are sharing the road with your precious child? I taught Jenn and Heather how to drive but they were older. I never saw the need to have them drive at 16 years old. It was tough for them to ask for rides home being 18 years old but it made them more sensitive to the needs of other teens that are not allowed to drive. I have to say the first time the girls went out for a drive by themselves…it is enough to cause grey hair for sure. After a while it gets easier to let them go and not worry as much. I will not say the worry ever goes away. But the use of cell phones and them letting me know they arrived safely and are leaving now made it easier. Another small “letting go” before the bigger ones that come all too quickly.

Oh oh letting go
There's nothing in the way now,
Oh letting go, there's room enough to fly
And even though, she's spent her whole life waiting,
It's never easy letting go.

“Letting go” as the girls got jobs, went to college and began doing their own things. It is a fine line of being a mom and learning to step back and let them fight and figure out their own plans. As the girls got more self-sufficient my job became less and less. Being a stay at home mom and devoting myself to the girls left me with time on my hands as they got older. Not too much time, but some. It is a mother’s prayer that her kids have roots and wings, it is very difficult to take your hands off and let them fly sometimes. I am afraid they will fall or get hurt, but I have to learn to step back. A bit bigger “letting go” before the biggest ones came my way.

Heart and cross contain ashes-oval is Heather's actual thumbprint

“Letting go” when your “adult” daughter has cancer is not something that I recommend. For me there was NO letting go. I was not about to leave her alone or not be there every single step of the way. This part of letting go was allowing her to go get an MRI without me in the room. For every single procedure I was allowed to go with her but not the MRI. This was absolute torture as I paced up and down the hallway and slid down the wall to sit on the floor over and over again. There is no relaxing it is the longest amount of time ever recorded. There were not many times the Heather’s GUARD DOG mother was not right there watching and questioning every single move people made. A big “letting go” before really tough ones came my way.

Heart box and rose memorial-both contain Heather's ashes (rose box is a keepsake of them)

“Letting go” is allowing Heather to drive and do her things after guarding her every moment for 6 months. I was so worried about germs, illnesses, pills and is she feeling ok for so long. When she began going out on her own it was very difficult for me. It was almost like allowing a 2 month old baby drive a car. I worried and fretted the first few times she was out. But like everything over time I learned to let go. BUT…letting go was not to last very long and I would have to be my roughest toughest guard dog ever. This was a stretch in my being as most medical things that were lifesaving did not need my approval or denial. Not that I would have denied care, just I was not needed. The staff did respect me enough to allow me to think I was making decisions for Heather. “Letting go” when it was never really my choice to let go.

Mother sits down at the table
So many things she'd like to do
Spend more time out in the garden
Now she can get those books read too.

She's had 18 years to get ready for this day
She should be past the tears, she cries some anyway.

“Letting go” is a choice that was not mine but made by God Himself. This kind of letting go was not my choice nor was I asked my opinion. I would not have chosen to let go of Heather this way and I wish no other mother had to experience this kind of loss. It is letting go to wonder every day what she is doing. Yes I believe she is in heaven and doing her thing whatever that is. “Letting go” of Heather to die was not in my plan nor did I or do I enjoy this letting go.

Letting Go of Heather's ashes

“Letting go” was taking her things to the funeral home knowing that she would never come back to me the way she was before. Before cancer entered my world and ravaged Heather’s body. I brought her ashes home and have kept them here with me for nearly three years. Letting go was scattering her ashes for the first time. That was very difficult to let go of the very first portion of her ashes. Letting go to have some precious things made was not easy and I worried every moment trying to make sure that her precious ashes made it where they were supposed to be. The final letting go is to allow all the rest of her ashes to be buried. This was not something that I ever wanted or planned to do. Funny how time and God can change your thinking. …

Peaceful waterfall at the entrances to Mountain View Cemetery

….”Letting go” for the final time today as I handed over the heart container, that has held Heather’s ashes since the day she was placed in it, to Daniel at Mountain View Cemetery. There will be a private family burial of the ashes on Monday. A public memorial will be held in the fall for others to attend as see her amazing spot. She will be allowed to stay in the same heart container that she has always been in and that makes me feel good. Letting go of her, of Heather…well not really Heather, it is her earthly body and the body I lived with for 21 years and love very much. It is her image that is in all the photos I have of her. The being, essence or soul that made Heather who she was is not here. Letting go is part of life, letting go is part of death, letting go is not easy and it takes time…While this is the biggest letting go I have the most peace that I let go at the right time and the right place…

Avenue of Hope that leads to The Garden of Hope where Heather's ashes will be

Oh oh letting go

There's nothing in the way now,
Oh letting go, there's room enough to fly
And even though, she's spent her whole life waiting,
It's never easy letting go.