Same Old Lang Syne...

In the Gregorian calendar, New Year's Eve (also Saint Silvester's Day in many countries), the last day of the year, is on December 31. In many countries, New Year's Eve is celebrated at evening social gatherings, where many people dance, eat, drink alcoholic beverages, and watch or light fireworks to mark the New Year. Some people attend a watch night service. The celebrations generally go on past midnight into January 1 which is NewYears Day.

One of the most prominent New Year's celebrations in the country is the "ball drop" held in New York City's Times Square. Inspired by the time balls that were formally used as a time signal, at 11:59 p.m. ET, a 11,875-pound (5,386 kg), 12-foot (3.7 m) diameter Waterford crystal ball located on the roof of One Times Square is lowered down a pole that is 77 feet high, reaching the roof of the building at exactly midnight to signal the start of the New Year. The Ball Drop has been held since 1907, and in recent years has averaged around a million spectators yearly. The popularity of the spectacle also inspired similar "drop" events throughout the country, sometimes lowering objects representing the region (such as Atlanta's "Peach Drop", representing Georgia's identity as the "Peach State") Alongside these, some American cities and towns also hold First Night events; which aim to provide a family-oriented celebration centered around local arts and culture.

Just a few hours until 2012 will come to an end. Most people look forward to the New Year with great anticipation. They make New Year’s resolutions that they fail to keep till the end of the month. It is a time of new beginnings and all the “sins” of the last year are wiped away, or so it seems. Life is about choices and for every choice you make there are consequences both good and bad. Some choices can be erased and some you will have to live with for many years to come.

Flowers for Christmas-Thomas Kinkade

Food for open house

 For me I personally have never really done much to celebrate the New Year. Some years I have not even made it till midnight to see the New Year turn over. Somehow it all seems a bit silly to try to change into something we are not just because it is a new year. If you are truly committed to making a change then make the decision and start that day. To lose weight or exercise and get into shape, why wait one more day? Do it now. Don’t wait till January first as some big event to help you. Because after January first comes January second..the eighth and finally the thirty-first. All you will have lost is 31 days if your mind is not set to make the change no matter what the change may be.

Table set for Christmas Dinner

 Our last year coming from 2008-2009 I knew what my wish for the New Year was. I wanted Heather to stay in remission and be healthy. I thought that 2009 could not possibly8 be any worse than 2008. Boy did I have eye opening 2009. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine a year could be so bad. I know Heather’s wish for the New Year was to be alive and cancer free. But somehow I feel that Heather knew she was not going to be here much longer. I honestly think people have a sense about these things. It breaks my heart to think she knew her time was short.

 Our house had lots of changes in 2012 as all the kids moved out; we did some remodeling and Daisy our dog of over 14 years died. The house had become very quiet. Well, a Christmas gift that was given to me early has changed all that quiet. Bill not even wanting another pet went looking for a cat on Dec 20. Of course he found the sweetest little girl that crawled into his lap and began to purr. He went back to work without getting the kitten but had to call later in the day to see if she was still there. The adoption center said she was still there but a family was looking at her. Bill left work and went to the adoption center immediately. I was gone for the evening with Jenn for a wedding dress fitting. When I came home bill was locked in the laundry room with a little orange tabby kitten. I was in total shock and disbelief that he bought me a kitten. Once before for my birthday in 1985 he got me a kitten.

First photo

Sleeping together

 The kitten spent most of the first night in the laundry room. I wanted to make sure she knew where her box was. At 5am I heard her and came down to let her out. I ended up sleeping on the couch…with the kitten on top of me till about 10am. Bill left for work but not before he took a photo of the kitten and me sleeping. That day I was busy cooking and preparing for our Christmas open house and the kitten would not leave me alone. She had to be right where I was and even at one point was sleeping in my feet. Violet came over during the afternoon and said she wanted her name to be Marie, but then decided on Ginger. So for now her name is “Ginger Spice” but she is also called “lil kid” and “Carl”. (Carl is from the Geico commercial with the two gazelles with night vision goggles that are watching a lion named Carl stalking them. They say we can totally see you Carl…)

Overseeing so things are right

Helping me wash dishes

 Mutts was Heather’s favorite comic and it seems very appropriate that for the holidays this year they had many cat comics with “Mooch” and “Noodles”. “Noodles” is the orange tabby from Mutts. Maybe I just noticed the cat comics more this year.

 “Ginger” has taken over our home, lives and hearts. She is such a joy to have around. It has been a long time since we had any new pet life in the house. The last cat we got was about 9 months old and then Daisy was a puppy 14 years ago. “Ginger” is very spoiled and has so many toys and a great cat climbing tree. She loves crinkle balls and plays with toys more than any kitten I have even seen. She sleeps with us every night and is a true joy. Heather would have loved her so much. Wendy calls “Ginger” her sister…lol

Snookie taking good care of Ginger

 All the 7 Christmas trees and decorations have been put away. While I love Christmas and the lights I also love the feel of the house being back to normal. It is another tradition for me to try to have all the Christmas down before the New Year comes around. Kind of out with the old with the new year. Tonight we had Sunnie, Wendy and Snookie come over and spend some time with us. Other than that we don’t have anything planned. No I don’t have any resolutions. I exercise and I am at my goal weight. I just want to continue this lifestyle and stay this way.

Meowy Christmas & Happy New Year!!

 One of my favorite songs about the New Year is from Dan Fogelberg. I am sure if you are 35 or older you know what I am speaking about and If not then listen to the YouTube song and get some good music for the New Year.

"Same Old Lang Syne" is a song sung by Dan Fogelberg released as a single in 1980. It was also included on his 1981 album The Innocent Age. The song is a narrative ballad told in the first person and tells the story of two long-ago lovers meeting by chance in a grocery store on Christmas Eve. The song peaked at #9 on the Billboard Hot 100 Chart and is now frequently played during the holiday season and is integrated with traditional Christmas songs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmVXYOJzAJM

HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone!! Be safe and healthy

Where Are You Christmas?..

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play…

As parents you build with great anticipation towards Christmas Day and the gifts you have purchased for you kids and how much they will love the perfect gift. I can remember Jenn wanting a Baby Feels So Real and I actually found one and had her wrapped under the tree. It was with great joy as we watched Wendy unwrap her “chickie”-Big Bird house and squeal with delight. Or see the look on Heather’s face as she got the Minnie Mouse house with 2 dolls and she nearly had tears she was so happy.

I spent many hours each holiday season picking out just the right gifts for each of the girls. This still continues today. Some of the gifts may be alike in nature but they are personalized to fit each one of the girls. I tried to make Christmas very special for them.  While I was picking out the right gifts for the girls it was their turn to pick just the right gifts for Mom and Dad too.

I can remember taking the girls shopping for Christmas for Dad. Jenn and Wendy had their set gifts that they went to each year. Jenn was usually a tie or shirt and Wendy was cologne or soap on a rope type of things. It was always very sweet to see their faces light up when they found what they thought to be their perfect gift.

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go…

Heather on the other hand was very different and unique. She had to look and search for the perfect gift. Nothing routine and simple, Heather had to be different. For Christmas 1991 we lived in Minnesota. Target Headquarters is in Minneapolis. They had stores called Target Greatland that is like the Super Target today. Target used to have holiday themes in the past that would include their stores decorated with the items and stuffies to sell as well. That holiday season it was Ginger & Spice Gingerbread. Target went all out and even had Gingerbreads on Ice shows.

 It was Christmas Eve and Heather still did not have a gift for Bill. Not sure why but the girls and I were out shopping and stopped at Target Greatland as out last stop before going home. The moment 4 year old Heather walked in the door her mind was made up. She walked right over to the display and picked the LARGE sized boy gingerbread and told me with her deep blue eyes that she wanted the “din-ginbread” boy for her gift for her Dady. I could not talk her out of it. It was on clearance and so I bought it. Heather was thrilled to no end. We came home and wrapped it up and put it under the tree for Christmas morning.

DIN-GENBREAD...

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time...

As Christmas morning came and the presents were opened Heather could hardly stand to see her Dady open his gift. She handed it to him and giggled and put her hands over her mouth in proud anticipation of the gift she had chosen. When he opened it she squealed with delight as she told him Dady I bought you a “din-genbread” boy!! Of course Bill was thrilled and hugged her but gave me the look as what in the world do we do with this? Heather had simple child love for her gift of she had chosen.

Tush tag

Over the years the “din-genbread” boy became a topic of many happy memories. As Heather got older she realized the simple innocence of her gift. She even at 12, 16 and 21 looked forward to great happiness as every year the “din-genbread” boy she had given came out to adorn our holidays. It is with many memories and tears that this little boy sits under our tree each year since Heather died. It is a reminder of happier and simpler times. The days before a parent’s worst nightmare became my reality.

Heather also loved Hello Kitty and this is where I have begun my infatuation with Hello Kitty. (Ok, ok..more than infatuation with my Kitty Truck!!) This year Build A Bear came out with a Hello Kitty Gingerbread. I knew instantly that I needed this Kitty to be added to a special collection of “din-genbreads”. The day after Thanksgiving I did not go shopping for gifts. My eye was set on the prize of a Gingerbread Hello Kitty. It was with childlike joy as I picked the best unstuffed body, pushed the stuffer pedal, kissed and placed 3 hearts inside the Kitty before she was sewn up. I feel very good that “din-genbread” boy has a new gingerbread friend.

unstuffed Ginger-kitty

So as the gifts are bought think about the impact that they might have on the person receiving them. As you are a parent helping your child pick out the perfect gifts for mom, dad, siblings or grandparents think about the memories that could be made. Let’s remember the amount of the gift doesn’t matter as much as the heart behind it. So if you child wants to buy a Barbie for her mom or a truck for his dad, let them pick the gift they feel shows their love this holiday season. You never know when that little Barbie or truck may become a prized treasure.

Din-genbread & Ginger-kitty

ginger-bears & gingerbread under Snookie's tree

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too…

~Faith Hill~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmGSHZYZ74c

Just An Ordinary Day??...No, Never...

ss

What would Heather's 25th birthday have been like? Would she be married? Have babies? Would her cancer be back? I have no answer for those and many many more questions. This year Bill and I went to Disneyland to celebrate her birthday. This day is about Heather being born. Her birth day and her death day are two of the hardest days in my life. Heather's birth day I celebrated for 21 years, her death day I will celebrate for the rest of my life along with her birth day. I can't forget that I had a baby girl, 7 pounds 15 ounces on December 10th, 1987. The rest of the world can act like it is any ordinary day, but I never will be able too again.

Rose picked from Disneyland Hotel-Perfect

Relationships, with friends and family have changed in the last 4 years as well. Heather cannot be mentioned by name and other seem to overlook the day and not say anything. As it should be the mother grieves harder on this day that any other as this is the day a part of her died. As the birthday was once about the child, the child's birthday is now about the parents... I am not making light of the grief that the dad has over his child. Mothers just tend to take about 99% of the credit for the child. Mothers grow them, give birth to them, care for them growing up and are the more emotional part of the parents.

It was my decision to leave town for Heather's birthday this year. I also plan to leave town for her death day as well. Maybe not every year, but am just tired of feeling that I can't mention Heather's name or make the 2 days about her and her life. Call me selfish, call me crazy, call me wrong...it is the way I see it. I am just not doing it anymore. I have to have December 10 and April 20 be about Heather. These are her days. Proof that she lived and died. For right now this feels right but who knows for how long. I realize that with each passing year more and more friends and family move on and their life changes. And that is how life should be. The world moves on and I am stuck spinning my wheels in 2nd gear going nowhere fast.

This year we added a twist to December 10th. Sunnie, our new son-in-law's birthday is December 10th. Wow!! Yes when Wendy told me when his birthday was I knew he was going to be part of our family. It is a very difficult to put into words how excited and sad, confused, glad and crazy this makes me. I want to with all my heart celebrate and focus on Sunnie and his birthday. He is here and alive and I love him as my son.. But I still have to focus on Heather's birthday. I am honest here when I tell you I do not know how to handle this yet. I can't even handle Heather not being here for her own birthday and have not gotten used to the idea yet that she died. I am human...all I can say to this point...Just imagine trying to celebrate your birthday on 9/11...or if Heather had been born on your birthday. Could you celebrate still? A set of twins and one dies, how does the other one celebrate?

One thing I knew is that I needed to go back to Disneyland for December 10th this year. I wanted to go to the castle to Heather's spot, think of her and possibly sing happy birthday to her there. Well, Disney did not ask me and they are doing construction so Heather's spot is closed off and I cannot get to it. I was really bummed and saddened by this news. I actually hope that when construction is over her spot is still there. The second thing I wanted to do was to get a new perfume and have the bottle painted on Heather's birthday. When we arrived Sunday I went to the perfume shoppe. The same woman that painted my first bottle was there painting again. Problem was she was not going to be there today, on the 10th. The sales woman and I began talking and she remembered me from the first time. I remembered her right away, but was not surprised it took her a moment to remember me. While we sprayed many perfumes and narrowed down the ones I liked she slipped out to the artist and had her paint a Christmas ornament to give to me as a gift. The artist made my bottle extra special and dated the bottle for 12/10/12. This was a beautiful memory for me on a special day.

Special gift from the perfume shoppe

Fendi-My beautiful new perfume-12/10/12

Today, December 10th I woke up after a restless night. I slept but my mind did not shut down. It felt tired and upon waking the wave of grief hit me hard. The tears are so close to the surface that a word or a hug can make them fall. I am afraid once they begin I might not be able to shut them down. While washing my face I cried in the bathroom this morning. Splashing my face with colder water seemed to put those tears back in their place...for now...We headed to the park and went straight to Jazz Kitchen for Beignets for breakfast. Heather taught us about good southern Beignets in 2008 when were here. It is a tradition every morning we are at Disneyland we eat Beignets.

Jazz Kitchen-beignet & breakfast burrito

The day was started in California Adventure and then ended in Disneyland. Toy Story Mania was the beginning ride and Pirates of the Caribbean was the ending. Most of the day was spent just enjoying Disney and looking around the shops. While in California Adventure we passed by the face painting booth. I had never had my face painted and decided today was the day...so I got three mickey balloons in Christmas colors painted on my face. Usually on Heather's birthday I like to release balloons. I knew when I came to Disneyland I wanted to buy one Mickey Face balloon and release it. Of course these balloons are not cheap. (I came to Disneyland twice as a young child. Both times I wanted and begged for a Mickey shaped balloon but was denied.) Later in the afternoon I bought my first ever Mickey shaped balloon. It was a red one, Heather's favorite color. I was shocked when I was told they had to tie the weight to the end because of city ordinances. I then got scared that I could get into trouble by letting the balloon go. We decided to leave the park so less people would be watching. We went into the middle of the area between the two parks and let it go there. A lady passed by me and said oh no she lost her balloon, her friend next to her told her I think she let it go on purpose. I smiled as they walked by and told them "yes, I let it go on purpose." The day ended with the fireworks show. We were up by It's A Small World so it wasn't quite so crowded. It was nice to see the fireworks for a change. I was caught off guard at the end of the show when they made it "snow". Because of the emotions of the fireworks, the music and then adding the snow it made me cry.

Perfect Red Disney balloon

My first Disney balloon-to be sent to Heather

A kiss from Momy to Heather

Since Disneyland began they have been holding an annual candle lighting ceremony near the train station. This includes a huge choir and someone to tell the Christmas story. For the first time this year they are holding this ceremony for 20 nights instead of just one. I tried to get reserved seats but was not able to be drawn for being an annual passholder. As we came into Disneyland for the evening this event was going on. It was a sight to behold and I am very thankful I got to see this event. It added to an already special day. Not sure it is worth standing for 2 hours before hand to get a good spot to watch, but for just walking in we got to see a good portion from a good spot.

Candle Lighting Ceremony

We found a Starbucks in California Adventure and decided to treat ourselves to two of Heather's favorite treats. We split a cranberry bliss bar and a lemon pound cake. I really would have enjoyed a peppermint mocha, but decided I didn't want it that late in the day and I really didn't need the calories. The edible treats were much better than the drinkable ones. There was no cake with candles so this was the best thing I could think to do. I was actually very happy to find the Starbucks at California Adventure. I can picture Heather now going there to get her coffee everyday.

Starbucks treats

I think it helped to pass the day to be busy someplace else. There really wasn't a moment when Heather was not fore front in my mind. The tears were very close. Since Heather died I have experienced a new cry. It is a cry unlike any I have ever experienced in my entire life. I have experienced death, funerals and crying because something physically hurt. This cry is one that causes a huge lump to form in my throat and it becomes very hard to swallow. Whether I hold back the tears or I let them go does not matter as I cannot no matter how hard I try utter a single word. I physically cannot speak. I have never experienced such a cry. I think it is the cry of total and complete broken heartedness and brokenness. For the most part I try very hard to keep my tears to myself. I feel very self conscience if I cry in public. People stare and do not understand. I save my tears to cry in private when I can let go and no one will judge me or find me weird. But for today I did okay...and that is okay...for today...

If I Had Only Known...

If I had only known
It was the last walk in the rain
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm
I would hold your hand
Like a life line to my heart
Underneath the thunder we'd be warm
If I had only known
It was our last walk in the rain...

Happy Birthday To You...
Happy Birthday To You..
Happy Birthday dear Heather...
Happy Birthday To You...

The day a child is born is usually one of the happiest days in the parent's life. The mom and dad have planned and worried over their baby growing inside. Now finally they meet for the first time. Back when my girls were born we were told not to even ask what the sex of the baby was. Now it is routine to tell every parent what they are having. The moment the baby is born and cries the parent's joy and work begins. For the mother especially it is a day that she will remember and mark for the rest of her life. It is the day her body gave birth to the child she had been growing for 9 months. There is a bond that can almost never be broken. No one will ever love you more than your mother...EVER!!!

The first big milestone for December 10th was in 1987 when Heather was born. She barely made it on the 10th as she as born at 11:52pm. This was meant to be her birthday for her entire lifetime. I was hoping that she would come early and not have her birthday so close to Christmas. Regardless, December birthdays are always associated with Christmas. Heather always received birthday gifts wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper. It really didn't seem to bother her. I always tried to make sure that her birthday was celebrated before the holidays festivities began.

If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again
I'd memorize each thing you ever said
And on those lonely nights
I could think of them once more
Keep your words alive inside my head
If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again...

Happy 21st Birthday with Minnie and Mickey-2008

Heather, like any other kid, looked forward to her birthday with great anticipation. Her parties included several Minnie Mouse ones, Beauty and the Beast ones and a few at McDonald's. As she got older I tried to do different more big girl things such as painting pottery or going to ZooLights. These "big girl" parties usually included one or two close friends. When Heather was 16 we had a formal tea party with 3 friends. It was a very lovely time and Heather really enjoyed the pomp and circumstance of having a tea party.

For Heather's 21st birthday the family came to Disneyland. It was a grand celebration as we flew in and stayed at the Disneyland Hotel. We had never done that before but with 2008's events we thought a little bit more celebrating for 21 seemed to be in order. We did lots of things for the first time like eating beignets, riding the Lilly Belle and having lunch with all the princesses. It was a birthday to remember in many ways, but never ever did I dream that 4 months and 10 days later Heather would die. Making that her last birthday ever.

You were the treasure in my hand
You were the one who always stood beside me
So unaware I foolishly believed
That you would always be there
But then there came a day
And I turned my head and you slipped away..
For 21 years I had planned parties and thought about gifts that would make Heather happy. I bought balloon, party favors and made or bought her birthday cake. I usually didn't wait too long to get Heather's birthday gifts with the holiday rush on. I remember one birthday when we bought her the red light up Minnie Mouse. To say that she was thrilled didn't begin to explain her excitement for that Minnie Mouse. (A Minnie Mouse which I still have today). The day would be spent decorating and making sure all the last few details were attended to. Suddenly and with no warning December 10th abruptly ended. To the world it wasn't Heather's birthday anymore. The day became like any other day....

No more gifts to buy, no parties to plan or cakes to make. Balloons don't need to be inflated, nor decorations put up. December 10th is just an ordinary day to the rest of the world. But to me it is the day I gave birth to a baby girl whose name was Heather. This year I have a place to go to honor Heather on her special day. So Saturday I took the metal cupcake with the single candle and three metal balloons out to the cemetery. I placed them with her Christmas stuff. I do not get to sing Happy Birthday. I do not get to take her to dinner. I do not get to give her a hug and tell her I love her. Instead I get to think to myself, today is a huge day in my life as the rest of the world simply runs its course.

I decided to be selfish this year and return back to Disneyland for December 10th like in 2008. Only this time there is no Disneyland Hotel, no lunch with princesses and no ride on the Lilly Belle. Instead I wanted to get away to be at a place where maybe my memories and thoughts wouldn't hurt my heart so much. Maybe I can get lost in the business of Disneyland and just let it be an okay day. No my heart nor my mind will forget what December 10th is.

Happy 25th Birthday-2012

If I had only known
It was my last night by your side
I'd pray a miracle would stop the dawn
And when you'd smile at me
I would look into your eyes
And make sure you know my love
For you goes on and on
If I had only known
If I had only known
The love I would've shown
If I had only known
~REBA~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eeKv_qc_aOo