I pulled out the tongue depressor wrapper that had the number for emergencies only written on it. I had only used this number one time before. He answered and I told him the issue. His instructions were to get to his office as quickly as possible; they would be waiting for us. As Heather and I grabbed the door his nurse ushered us back to his exam room. A pulse oxygen clip was placed on her index finger and her temperature was taken. It read 104.9. Dr. Fastenberg told me he could do nothing else and we needed to be admitted to the hospital right away. He used his cell phone, the one I had called earlier, to see what the wait was in the ER. It was a 7 hour wait but we had no choice. As I slowly walked back to the car with a scared Heather I decided to call Banner Baywood myself and asked for 6 South just to see if I could speed things up. Ironwood Clinic is right behind the hospital so the drive was short. Gayle was working and I told her our situation. Being charge nurse for the day Gayle had the ability to work the rooming schedule. As I pulled into the parking lot and headed to the ER doors the only thing I could think of was to get Heather away from all the germs in the ER. We got checked in and tried to find a non-germ corner. Just a few minutes later an aide from 6 South came to get us so we could wait in the waiting room up there. Gayle came out and said that waiting here would be much better than in the ER and she had a room coming up soon, housekeeping was cleaning it as we spoke. We were admitted straight to the floor with no stop at the ER. I had no idea when I left Ironwood Clinic that day it would be the last time I was there.
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| The paper Dr. F dug out of the trash when we left the hospital for the first time. I was instructed that this was for emergencies only and not to use it often. I covered the number to protect his privacy. |
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| This is the other side of the paper Dr. F pulled out of the trash. It is a tongue depressor paper. I still keep this number attached where I can find it. Why? I do not know.. |
I felt weird as I walked up to the doors. I entered the waiting room and everything looks the same. As I stood in line I thought about how many other visits I had sat Heather down in the chairs and then gone to sign her in. Many of the visits were straight after the hospital discharged us and she was barely able to walk into the clinic. It felt odd to walk to the clinic and not have Heather with me. I had seen Dr. Musci (one of Dr. F’s partners that treated Heather) months earlier and told him about the blood drive. He told me I should bring some flier by the office. The lady at the reception desk was the same as she was all the other visits before. I stumbled as I told her who I was and that I wanted to see Dr. Fastenberg’s nurse Lorriane (LOR-ANN). Lorriane hugged me and knew who I was immediately. As I began to tell her about the blood drive she hugged me again. The only words she was able to say was that Heather was an amazing woman. Lorraine told me she would make sure Dr. F saw this and post them. With tears in her eyes she hugged me a third time and I walked out of Ironwood Clinic again.
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| Here is the actual clinic. With all my visits there I never took a photo. |
I find that keeping myself totally immersed in school helps me forget. I never forget Heather but to forget all the other stuff sometimes. As my school work has slowed down the memories have begun to creep back in. I was elated on Thursday when I finished my health final and received my first “A” for the semester. I decided to go to San Tan for some shopping. As I drove on the freeway I came upon a white passenger van that had no windows. As I passed I noticed the sign on the side. It was very subtle and no one would ever know what it was. It read Dignity Memorial. I knew it was a van that transported from the hospital to the funeral home. My mind in 2 minutes went into all the horrible nightmarish places it could find. I thought everything from how Heather was placed in a bag, then placed into a van similar to this one, to her being delivered to the funeral home, to seeing her on the vent for the first time, to trying to get Heather up and to the bedside potty, to her chest tubes, to the night she died. I could not imagine how my mind could travel to all the horror so fast. It was like a lightning fast slide show that ran through my mind with vivid images. When I finally reached San Tan my mood was changed, I felt sick and dizzy and no longer wanted to be anywhere. How could simply passing a van on the road bring such a reaction to me?
I recently read “Behind every strong woman, there is an even stronger woman.” I told Bill what I had read and he asked me who I thought was behind me. Three woman came to my mind, the first being my mother-in-law, Margaret Coombe, she helped me become the wife, cook, mom and woman I am today. The second is Diane Stewart, who taught me so much about myself, showed me before I needed it how to survive the most difficult event in my life and walks with me now. The third is my daughter, Heather, who showed me how to survive life’s toughest challenges and she was the reason I needed to be so strong. I know that she is saying that I was the stronger woman behind her but I don’t see it that way. Heather will forever be my strength and the wind beneath my wings in everything I do. Heather is my strength for the future.
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| Ball gown found October 28, 2008..she was thrilled to have found such a gown that she felt good in as well. This photo was taken with my cell phone to send to her dad. The pink glow at the left bottom is my cell phone cover. The only photo I have of finding the ball gown. |
"Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings..."
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings..."
A very touching scene from Beaches...with the song
Wind beneath My Wings by Bette Midler
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