I'm Gonna Love You Through It....

I said, “I know that you’re afraid and I am, too
But you’ll never be alone, I promise you”

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do this
I’m gonna love you through it

And when this road gets too long
I'll be the rock you lean on
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.
I’m gonna love you through it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYNOXRifXKQ&ob=av2e.

This song is about the support system that the cancer survivor has the Warriors who fight with them day by day. Cancer deeply touches the lives of everyone in close contact with the survivor. For me, I took the role of momma bear, protector and cheerleader for my Heather. I never once thought about running away or leaving. I wanted the cancer and all the pain with it to go away, but never me or her to go away. Heather saw me as her best friend, her rock and support while she was going through treatments. She and I shared something that no one else did. The following are pieces of things that Heather wrote about me to friends that I copied from MySpace or Facebook. It was very touching for me to find out just how she felt about me. I know she loved me, but to hear her words means the world to me.

(on Heather's MySpace all about me portion)

I am so grateful and thankful for my momy. She's been right there every single step of the way! Fighting with doctors, nurses, and insurance to ensure that I get the best care, the most pain free way there is! She's there for every tear drop that falls... and also when I can smile and laugh about something. God knew I needed her!

November 22, 2008

I'd really love to move out on my own, but I am very close to my mom still. She took care of me this past year, and there were times I couldn't even bathe and dress myself. After round one of chemo, I woke up one day with no feeling in my left side. I thought I had a stroke. It was just a TIA, transient ischemic attack. So a pre-cursor to a stroke. Before that time on I slept right next to her now she keeps me even closer. So it would be very hard to move out right now. I cried when I slept in my own bed in my own room. Very emotional time.

From the first moment Heather returned from the hospital I had her sleep in my bed with me. I was so scared something would happen and I would not hear her or she would get sick. Each night we held hands as we fell asleep. That is a memory I would not trade for anything. I would give anything to fall asleep holding hands with her again.

February 5, 2009

Even though I am done, terror and panic rattled through me this past Tuesday. I went to see my doctor and have my monthly IV push. In my blood tests some levels are off. My blood is very anemic, and I am on the verge of needing transfusions of both red blood cells and platelets. There was one level, the Nucleated Red Blood Cell to be exact, that was raised. He was concerned about it. My worst fear is hearing that "it" is back. Both my doctor and mom think it’s because of my chemo-toxic blood. It’s overly medicated with too much chemo. Not uncommon. Anyway I am rambling, but.... I am off all chemo pills this week and will re-check. Sort of waiting on pins and needles.... to see how it checks out on Thursday of next week. I hate waiting. But I know God has a plan and that calms my nerves, sort of......

The fear of the cancer returning was never far from Heather’s mind and haunted her more than I ever dreamed. I knew it haunted me and she was no different. No matter what she faced I was bound and determined to face it head on and never let her see me cry. I was going to be the strong one for her no matter what. Even in her final hours I never let her hear fear in my voice. I never shed a tear till she was gone. I was not going to allow her to know how bad all of it hurt and still does to this day.

Here are some thoughts from me as a care giver. From the moment Heather was diagnosed I never thought about myself. All my time and energy was spent on Heather and her needs. I hope you can get a small glimpse of what a momy goes through when her baby is hurting. When you have a baby, they remain your baby forever no matter how old they may be.

 

Monday, April 28, 2008

It is so hard to stand by and watch as your baby girl goes through this. I am totally helpless. There is nothing I can do. The house is very quiet and on pins and needles at the same time. I did not sleep well. She is currently sleeping with me so at the slightest noise I hear her and am up. As she gets weaker she can't yell for me from down the hall. It gives her more comfort and rest to be with me for now. So, I did not get much rest last night and then today is just watching and stress and wanting to make it all better but I can't.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Heather will be going home with 2 shots a day in her stomach of Lovenox-the blood thinner. Mom gave her first shot today. Heather said I was a pro. I was nervous at first. The first time you stick the shot is nerve wracking. But I did it. Heather told me it hurt less than the one the nurse gave her last night. I still say I want a raise in my salary for next year. I am now an honorary RN-on the job training the hard way.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Heather simply does not feel good. Can't tell us where or why. She just does not feel good. She began to cry and told me she is fed up with the whole thing, the poking, prodding and the cancer itself. There is no better word and for some it may offend, but till you have been her you don't get it. The best word in the whole word to describe cancer is ...it sucks. Everything about it sucks..to each member of the family involved-CANCER SUCKS!!!

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

I can't begin to describe what the past few days have been like. I have spent the entire day in silence. The noise of the TV bothers her. So there I sat...in the hospital room, listening to the IV pump, reading some of the closed captions on the TV, making very little noise and sometimes sitting in a darkened room. I crochet and listen to Harry Potter. The room is darkened and the only light is the TV. I leave for a few minutes to get food or go to the bathroom and she never knows I am gone. Heather did not move very much. If she did it was to go to the bathroom or ask for pain or nausea medication. Not really seeing her open her eyes. Not to hear her talking. Knowing that she was in such extreme pain and there was nothing I could do to help her. It was the most helpless feeling I have ever had.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

All moms know the "smell" of a newborns head. It has the "baby" smell. I know this is a mom thing...you rock them and feed them and smell the top of their heads. The smell that tells you this is your child...your one and only baby. Well...Heather has regained that smell. She handed me her hat to get into the shower. She asked me to smell it to make sure it did not smell...It was a flood of memories of when she was born...what a moment. Heather's baby smell was and is back.

I love her little head so much. She looks so beautiful...I only see her as a baby...9 months...15 months...bald as a que ball... she looks the same now as she did as a baby. I love her little head so much...I thought it would bother me to see her with no hair...but now...I can't remember her with hair. When she wears a wig it looks odd to me...she feels better and I want her to wear it if she wants to, but it is strange as I look at her, as I take care of her, as I take care of Jenn and Wendy too all I see as a momy is priceless moments. As tough as this time is and will be ... I honestly believe I have the best job ever.....Being Jenn, Heather and Wendy's momy. In the ever precious words of Heather... I am forever her MOMY!! One "M"..the extra M one is a waste in her eyes.

Many people have told me I am strong and courageous to do for Heather what I am doing. I have to say no..I am her momy and I am doing what I am supposed to do. I did not ask for this, but I will face it head on and be the strong mother of courage and not a coward to run and hide from this illness. How could a momy not rise to come to the aid of her hurting baby....no matter what age they are.