As things began to get back to normal I found myself cooking dinner more and more nights of the week. Being that it was March and cooler outside I had decided to fix some meals that were associated with cooler temperatures. On Tuesday I made a homemade meatloaf, mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans and homemade hot rolls. Heather was not feeling good so she skipped her PIMA classes that night. As we sat down to dinner Heather said, “I am so glad I stayed home tonight for dinner. This is my favorite.” I had no idea at the time that would be the last meal I ever fixed for her. Two days later Heather entered the hospital for the last time.
As I walked through the grocery store with my list in my hand, I found myself kind of wondering up and down the aisles of food. Something I saw would remind me of Heather in some way and I would find myself in tears. I had no idea that simply going to the grocery store could be such an emotional event. Simply seeing a mother and daughter shopping, laughing and talking could almost send me running from the store. We expect the big things like birthdays, holidays and death anniversaries to be difficult, but the simple, unexpected things are the ones that rock me to my core when they happen.
To make Sally Salad I placed 16 large marshmallows in a pan, mixed with crushed pineapple and strawberry jello and let them begin to melt. I stirred the pan as the mixture get hot and smelled very good. While this mixture cooled I beat cream cheese with milk to make a base and whipped a packet of whipped topping mix. I folded all the ingredients together, placed the mixture into a crystal bowl and placed in the refrigerator to set up. The lovely medium pink jello salad smelled as good as it looked and tasted ever better. The smooth texture and flavor is beyond words but might just be a small piece of heaven on this side of the clouds.
Trying to make the traditional holiday meals is very difficult to do now. Mostly because of “Sally Salad” that Heather loved and named so many years ago. When Heather was 2 years old she fell in love with Miss Sally. Heather had me call Miss Sally on Saturday night to find out which dress she would be wearing to church on Sunday, the pink or the white one. During a potluck we had at our home in Colorado Springs, Miss Sally brought a pink salad. Heather looked over all the food and took things that she liked but she wanted the pink salad that Sally had brought. She kept saying “I want Sally’s salad, I want Sally’s salad.” I asked Sally for the recipe and began to make it for every holiday as our family tradition. The name that Heather gave the salad so many years ago have become what the salad is called in our family and the extended family as well. Our holidays are not complete without “Sally Salad.”
Most people do not even think about the small things such as food or grocery stores when it comes to grieving. I managed to make both Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner last year complete with all the trimmings. I could not face the holidays the year before so we went out for dinner on both days. I was very thankful that I was able to make Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner for Heather her last holidays here. I am not sure why that meant so much but as her mom, it is very important to me. It has been 30 months since I have made a meatloaf. My family has not missed it too much, especially the girls. I asked Bill if he knew why I had not made a meatloaf meal and he said no so I explained the reason why.
Time passes but the feelings and memories never do. The small things that no one thinks about are the things that get to me the most.
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