You’re my life’s one Miracle,
Everything I’ve done that’s good
And you break my heart with tenderness,
And I confess it’s true
I never knew a love like this till you….
( Please go out and listen to this amazing song. I wrote this in the program for Heather's Survivor Ball and then again for her funeral. it is the most touching song for a mother to her babies. )
 |
| Everything I've done that's good...Feb 2009 |
I have a near photographic memory. Sometimes this is a blessing and sometimes it is a curse. The past 3 years have had many parts I wish I could forget. For many people it is easy to forget things that happened in the past. Thursday was my 46th birthday. I wonder if my gestational DNA unit remembers this day at all. I remember in great detail each day that my daughters were born. I remember what I was doing, how labor began and the moment they were born. These days are etched in my memory as if it was yesterday. I remember even the small details of when they were born. I wonder if Jane remembers anything about being pregnant or giving birth to me. Was she so glad to have it finally over so she could go back to her life as if nothing happened? I can’t help but wonder if she thinks about the fact that she created a baby, carried it, gave birth to it and then dumped it after all these years.
 |
| Who could ever love you more?..Dec 20 |
You’re the reason I was born
Now I finally know for sure
And I’m overwhelmed with happiness
So blessed to hold you close
The one that I love most
With all the future has so much for you in store
Who could ever love you more?
I was thrilled when I found out I was pregnant with Jennifer. She was my first baby, the hope of our future. I knew I had always wanted to have a baby of my own. Someone that belonged to me, looked like me and that I would love forever. We had no idea till she was born if she was a Jennifer or a Christopher. In 1986 it was not told if the baby was a boy or a girl. Bill told me not to do the nursery in a baby print, so I spent an entire day at the wallpaper store picking out something not too babyish. When I took him back, he said he loved the bears with balloons. So we did the baby nursery in bears with balloons. I made a long stitch picture that was bears in balloons as well. I loved being pregnant, feeling the life inside me grow bigger each day. We had a cat that would lay over my belly and purr very loudly. The baby would kick like crazy when the cat would do that. I would pat, rub and talk to my belly as it got bigger and bigger. Saturday March 8th was her due date…and it came and went and still no baby. Wednesday night I was tired. I had been sitting in the nursery in the rocking chair praying and talking. When I went to go to bed, I felt a trickle of water and thought I must not have finished. I was a very uninformed, for a woman about to have a baby, that water could trickle out and not just flood the room. After a couple more trickles, we headed to the hospital. Sure enough, my water had a leak and they would keep me. Long story short, no contractions, was induced; allergic reaction to the drug and the baby was in trouble. I passed out when they started the IV. I had to lay on my side or the baby’s heart rate dropped too low. I was not progressing and they were about to do a c-section when suddenly, I had the urge to push…for 2 hours and 39 minutes I pushed. She got stuck in my bones and they used a tiny suction pump to finally help her get out. Finally at 2:39 pm on March 13, 1986, Jennifer was born. She was born with the cord wrapped around her neck and not breathing.
 |
| There is nothing you could ever do, to make me stop loving you...Mar 2008 |
The nearest thing to heaven,
You’re my angel from above
Only God creates such perfect love.
 |
| When you smile at me, I cry...Mar 2009 |
Heather was our surprise we are pregnant baby. Again, I enjoyed being pregnant and feeling this baby grow inside me. I carried the same way and felt very certain that this baby was a Heather and not a Christopher. I was not thrilled at the idea of having a December 18th due date. I figured that if this baby came late they could end up with a Christmas birthday. Looking back that is not a terrible thing actually. In the morning on December 10th I called Bill at work crying and asked him to come home. Nothing was wrong I just didn’t feel good and wanted him home. I had a doctor’s appointment at about 1pm that afternoon and told him I was feeling horrible. Nothing I still could put my finger on, just didn’t feel myself. Jenny and I came home, took a nap and then we went to the mall and had Furrs cafeteria for dinner. I had chicken fried steak, pan fries, cream gravy, mac and cheese and green beans. It was a good dinner. We made our way to Kmart. As I was checking out I kept telling Bill, man, this baby is killing me. I had to hang onto the shelves to breathe for a few minutes; however I never thought anything of it. We came home and I took a shower. Bill and Jenny were wrapping Christmas presents. I felt like I was maybe having contractions and decided to time them. Bill came up and asked me what I was doing. I looked at him very innocently and said the 1st level of breathing. He asked me how long and close the contractions were. I said 3 minutes apart and lasting 45-60 seconds. He jumped and got dressed and I called the doctor. I was told to get to the hospital. Bill and I laughed and joked about me being in labor on the way. We arrived at 10: 45pm. Things moved very quickly and Heather made her appearance at 11:52 pm on December 10, 1987, 8 days early. Due to a pain shot I was given, Heather did not want to breathe. She had to be given shots to wake her up to breath. This was due to a nurse not believing I could go so fast.
 |
| The nearest thing to heaven...May 2008 |
When you smile at me I cry
And to save your life I’ll die
With a romance that is pure heart,
You are my dearest part
Whatever it requires,
I live for your desires
Forget my own, your needs will come before
Who could ever love you more?
 |
| And to save your life, I'd die........Nov 2008 |
We planned for our third baby. Dr. Sealy was going to stop delivering babies and I wanted one more baby and for him to deliver that baby. Again, I enjoyed being pregnant and having the baby grow inside me. I did have a horrible bout with the flu. I have never been so sick. I was doing just fine till my adopted dad Jim died in January 1990. I was 7 months pregnant. I carried this baby the same way and figured it was another girl. We did have a huge shock during one appointment when my doctor heard 2 heartbeats. He was convinced that I was having twins. I was shipped off for an ultrasound that day. For a brief moment we were thrilled and shocked at the idea of having 2 babies. It was only one baby with lots of fluid. Dr. Sealy called me personally to tell me he was stunned when it was only one baby. He was not fooled easily. The baby turned over and we were not able to find out if it was a Wendy Kay or a Matthew Ryan. Bill was home sick with a cold on a Monday, he saw our family doctor who was also the family doctor for some medicine. Later that night I made pizza for dinner. As I went eat I felt like I was having a contraction. I decided not to eat. We monitored the contractions and they were irregular. I called the doctor and he said to go in and just see what was happening. I got there about 10:20pm, they monitored me and decided they would keep me. I was in the old part of the hospital and they asked me if I felt good enough to walk to the new labor and delivery part. I said sure I do, walk will do me good. So we set off walking. Huge mistake. I got to my room and I had to lay down right away. I was hurting big time. The bed would not work properly so they had me sit in a chair while they worked on it. I was ready to go to the floor. I had to lay down. They finally moved the entire bed out of the room and brought in a new bed. I had a friend from church that was a delivery nurse, Kathy. She was with me for Jenn and missed Heather by 15 minutes. She was not going to miss this baby. She kept calling to see how things were going. She talked to bill and told him that the baby was not doing well with the heart rate and they were thinking a c-section. Kathy said she was on her way. She flew into the room at the same time Dr. Sealy arrived. He said I was good to push and let’s get this baby out now. 3 pushes later and Wendy Kay made her arrival at 11:39pm on April 9, 1990. The cord wrapped around her neck 3 times, not breathing and a grayish color.
 |
| You are my dearest part...Dec 2008 |
Well there is nothing you could ever do,
To make me stop loving you
And every breath I take,
Is always for your sake
You sleep inside my dreams and know for sure
Who could ever love you more?
 |
| My most valued treasure I have on earth...Mar 2011 |
As my birthday comes and goes, I am reminded that I did have a woman that created me, carried me, gave birth to me and then dumped me. I have whined about Jane many times before. As a child you always want a parent’s love. I don’t feel it is any different for an adult. Adults still need their Mommy’s and Daddy’s. I have no mother to comfort me during my sorrow and grief. I have no mother to cry with me and hug me. I have no mother to say she is proud of me for who I have become. I have no mother for support. I have no mother who will try to tell me things will get better in time. My birthday is a reminder of what I so long to have but am not able to have due to the mother I was given. I am strong, brave and a survivor. I am proud of my daughters and who I raised them to be. I am grateful to have been allowed to be Heather’s mother for the short time she was here. My Jennifer, Heather, Wendy and Pea are my greatest accomplishment for my life.
 |
| Sometimes, a girl has just gotta have a meltdown with her Mimi |
No comments:
Post a Comment