Christmas Shoes....

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight...

~Christmas Shoes~

Thanksgiving was not terrific. But I have come to realize it was the springboard to the downward slide into a depression that cannot be described. It is a feeling and there are no words to describe it or where it comes from. It was not planned and I tried to avoid it by being upbeat in hopes that I could fight off this unwelcome visitor. But, December 1st hit and my depression visitor came in. Depression has made himself comfortable for a long winter's nap. I really don't need a calender to know when dates come around. My internal clock seems to know by its self. It doesn't matter how I try to "be happy" it doesn't help. Doing things doesn't help...it may take my mind off of Heather for a few moments or even hours, but as soon as I am alone or my mind is not busy, in he creeps...smoking and making a mess out of my life for a time being.

I have cried ever day so far since the 1st of December for one reason or another. Heather's birthday, Christmas without her, cancer, the happy times, you name it and it has been through my mind. On Thursday I spent most of the day alone. This was not a good thing. This was probably the worst day I have had for awhile. It was the day I needed to get everything for the blood drive. Here again, another point for tears; wanting to do the blood drive, but sad for the reason why. Feeling that Heather would be happy we are doing this huge event, but sad because she is not going to be here to see it. As I ordered Heather's "special" birthday cake it began to hit me I am planning a party and that made me happy and feel good. But then the fact that the guest of honor is not here made me very sad. So I went on to order the big cakes at Costco. Another happy Heather moment she would be so thrilled, but sad again. Then to Discount Cards to get the plates, forks, napkins and order 23 balloons. Of course I found the perfect napkins, princess with pink and butterflies. As if they were made special for me. All the supplies and the balloons are in the Are U Pink colors of lime green, hot pink and neon orange. It all is perfect.

As I am running all my errands in DOLYGRL Christmas music is on the radio. It is the time for all those wonderful songs of the season. A few that come on make me stop for a moment and think. As I left I was taken by complete surprise as the song "Christmas Shoes" came on. I sat there and cried and cried. I had lots of thoughts....the thought of Heather not being here for Christmas and then it changed to what did I get her for her last Christmas? I had no idea it was to be her last Christmas. All of a sudden I was overcome with trying to remember what I got her for Christmas. I did remember but that seemed to make the tears fall even more. I will probably make a point not to listen to this song again for a really long time. It just hits way to close to home for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNsvE33pRSw

Every year for Christmas I have the girls fill out a form called "My Christmas List". This gives me a good idea of what they would like to have for Christmas. This does not mean they get anything on the list, just gives me an idea. When I was going through my crochet project bags I came across Heather's Christmas List for 2008-her last Christmas. It is very cute the way she wrote this out. So, as you get those gifts and think about who gets what, maybe just a little something extra special can be given. You really, really never know when it will be your last Christmas or theirs...

click on photo to enlarge to see what Heather wanted for Christmas