BC and AD Describe Me Now...

The moment the word CANCER enters your world; nothing is ever the same again. Someone who has experienced cancer described life this way; there is the BC-before cancer life and then there is the AD-after diagnosis life. If you have never had cancer touch your life this concept is beyond comprehension. Cancer changes everything it touches. If you are the close immediate family it affects you too. You are what I call “co-survivors.”

The death of a child has two stages as well and they are almost the same as cancer. They are BD-before death and AD-after death. I have said it many, many times before but the “ME” that was BD died the day that Heather died. From the moment AD I became a new “ME.”

For the new me, October is a very difficult month. Many things factor into this being such an odd time of year. Heather began feeling better and her blood levels had raised so that she could once again begin driving her car. Of course after not being allowed to drive for 6 months she was thrilled and would drive herself to the family pizza place that is a mile from the house. Our family went to see and meet Amy Grant and I was busy with all the details with The Ball. It was the first time in months that we finally began to feel like life was back to normal.

Then Heather died and October became the halfway point. I cannot explain why the 6-month mark is so important to me but IT IS. I get the feeling it always will be this way and it is okay and it is my right to feel this way. The horrible acts of the cemetery took place in October as well. Of course one more insult to an already devastating injury. October is just not a good month for me and I am not sure that it ever will be a good one.

A good friend of mine recently shared with me why they thought October is so difficult for me and the light came on. Not only is October all the things to me personally, but it is also the beginning to the holiday season. We begin getting Halloween with Thanksgiving and Christmas all added together, beginning in October. The holiday ads begin and everything focuses on the “family” holidays coming up. There are four major holidays back to back to back to back. It is the only time of the year where there is never more than 30 days from each holiday. The most important holidays of the entire year take place in a 4-5 week timeframe. Those would be Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. Everyone builds up to these holidays and they are the events that memories and legends and traditions are made of. These holidays are great and fun and wonderful except…when your child is missing. Her husband and children that should be crowding your kitchen, house and dinner table are all missing. In one moment, all my future holidays were damaged and they can never be repaired.

The fall season is difficult for many different reasons but mostly because it simply is. I have no other explanation than that and honestly I don’t need one.

We Are Having A...

I am learning that it doesn’t matter how many years it has been since Heather died, each year is different and I cannot do anything but accept it and ride it out. Some years I feel very little depression and other years it seems to hit me like a brick. One thing is for sure that time does not heal this wound, it changes it but it never goes away.

Each event that happens in the family takes on a new and different meaning for me. I am forever changed by Heather’s death and I cannot help but wonder at life’s event what would Heather say or think. So the addition of a new baby it gives me cause to ponder what would Aunt Missy say.

This is to proudly announce the coming of Miss Sophie Alice, joining big sister, Toodles, at the beginning of 2017.

Her hand and she seems to be sucking her thumb like Toodles

I will say that I am absolutely thrilled that this is yet one more girl. Call me selfish, but I love my baby girls. I have many different thoughts as widdle “Soapy” joins our family. The first being I cannot wait to get her here and hold her. Another thought is that for Jenn, this is her second girl like Heather was my second girl. Then, “Soapy” makes the third girl like my three girls. Needless to say, our family is pleased with the coming of a new baby girl.

Lots of emotions come with the idea of a new baby being born without Aunt Missy being here. Normal everyday life is hard enough as it is, but holidays and special family moments when we should all be together are the hard times. I know that Aunt Missy would be the best Aunt in the world and the girls would love her dearly. I would love to experience those days very much.

Here is my baby with her baby-MY BABY SOPHIE!!!

As time goes flying by it is not the huge moments that catch me by surprise it is the smaller unexpected ones. The joyous moment while we all found out that Miss Soapy is who will be joining the family. While the hugs and congratulations were there it was also a moment of thinking of Heather for me. I will admit that for the most part it is an ache in my heart, sadness with a moment of reflecting about Heather and that she is missing. This is not something that I burst into tears at it is just a longing I have to wonder “what would it be like if……”

This year began with change and it has become okay. It was very difficult at first but as with death you get used to the new normal.

A Small Amount of Change...

I am learning that it doesn’t matter how many years it has been since Heather died, each year is different and I cannot do anything but accept it and ride it out. Some years I feel very little depression and other years it seems to hit me like a brick. One thing is for sure that time does not heal this wound, it changes it but it never goes away.

This year has been a strange year and seems to be getting stranger. It never ceases to amaze me at just how weird the days can be sometimes.

In October, last year, while Bill was in Hong Kong, I had a party with the kids and GRANDgirls here at the house. It was during that time that Jenn and I got a firsthand view at the kind of anger and verbal abuse Wendy had been dealing with for many months. It was very ugly and quite disturbing to get the view of Sunnie that I had never seen. It was an eye opener to Wendy that she should not have to endure this kind of abuse. There was a few times that harsh words for my Snooks were said that I did not like either. This was not the man that entered our family years ago, he had changed into someone none of us knew and he was not very nice.

In January, It was clear that Wendy’s marriage was not going to be healthy to continue, so she took Snooks and left. From there it got really ugly. This man that we allowed to be a part of our family totally disappointed me as a man, as a husband and as a decent human being. 

We did not kick Sunnie out of the family and tried to do everything we could to keep a relationship with him. Of course, this is impossible to do in the best of situations. This guy that we welcomed into our home and lives turned out not to be a man of his word. He has disappeared owing us some serious money. Of course he is still here and causing trouble for Wendy to get her divorce.

SO the beginning of the year was heavy with changes and once again like a death in our family. While Sunnie is still here, I don’t care to ever see him again. He just disappeared and all the memories are now more bitter than sweet. There are no more photos around the house with him in them, which is sad. The final straw was when he said he didn’t love Snooks anymore. No matter what happens you don’t dump a child it is so not cool. He is in no way a decent man of any way, shape or form and is still making issues

This year began with change and it has become okay. It was very difficult at first but as with death you get used to the new normal.

Yet, Another Birthday...

I realize that my blog is on a public forum and anyone who searches can find it. The posts that I write are my feelings and since this is MY blog I can write whatever I feel about writing. If you don’t like what you read then please don’t come back and read more.

There are many things that happen in our lives that shape the way we are and mold our character. I have had a very hurtful past and I am sorry, but just like the death of Heather, I am not going to “get over” this part of my life either. It is part of me and always will be.

Along the lines of checking the mail and getting something that takes your breath away, so can social media. Mother’s Day and my birthday are very difficult days for me personally. The troubles began in my childhood and were just amplified by the death of Heather. Vindictive people know this and try to hurt me more especially on those days.

As my birthday rolls around again I cannot help but think about my birth mother. I know I have blogged many times about her, but for me, the day my girls were born was the most monumental days of my existence. It was the day that the baby that had been kicking around inside me was given life. I grew this baby for 9 months and we are attached.

I wrote a Mother’s Day blog that my half-sisters did not like very much. Imagine my shock when I learned that after all these years they still read my blog from time to time. Of course they claim they want nothing to do with me. My question is then why do they read my blog? Why do they keep tabs on me?

My half-sister, LeEllen, decided that Mothers Day would be the best time to send me a private message thru Facebook about my blog post. Several messages were exchanged between LeEllen and Wendy, and they were not nice messages. I sent back a response to LeEllen, who claims that I refuse to respond to her message. Well, Facebook showed me that she read my message and then blocked me. Really classy. Then she enlisted her twin sister, Karla, to send me a message and then block me before I could respond. If you are going to begin a fight, then at least have the guts, or balls, to stand and fight. It is very tacky to send a message and then block and not allow a response. But then I never expected much from them in the first place.

My half-sister, LeEllen, brought up a statement that I threw away my mother and family several years ago. It took me forever to realize what in the world she was talking about. SO, here is the story from my side; LeEllen asked me to be the “greeter” for her wedding and I said, yes, I would love to do that. As the date came closer things in my house, with my girls, began to fall apart. Jenn was struggling with jr. high and Heather was being physically threatened in her 5^th grade class. When I called to back out it was because I was taking Jenn and Heather out of school to begin homeschooling them. I felt that I could not leave MY family at that time.

I had the plane tickets and when I spoke to my mother I offered her and her husband the tickets to come out and see me. I NEVER, EVER said, come out and see me INSTEAD of attending your daughter’s wedding. I meant after the wedding and before it got hot here in Phoenix, would you come visit since she had never been to visit me before. Somehow, either my mother misunderstood or my half-sisters misunderstood what they were told, but this NEVER was said. So to my half sisters they feel as if I tested my mother for her love and she picked them over me. This was never the case!

Regardless of what happened then, when Heather got cancer, was in ICU and then died, my mother was no where to be found. I made the mistake of calling her when Heather first went into the hospital to make sure that my half sisters were aware of the cancer. I did not want them, as hateful as they are, to experience what I had. Trust me, anything happens with cancer or a major illness that could be genetic I will not bother to call and let them know. But I can say with certainty that anytime their children get sick or have swollen lymph nodes they think about Heather and me. They will never get what happened to Heather or me out of their minds.

As another birthday rolls around I cannot help but think about my birth mother. I still have questions and wonder why she is unable to love her first-born child. I did not just stub my toe, my daughter, and her granddaughter, had cancer and died and the trivial things she tried to do would have been better left undone. I do know now that my birth mother while very ill did talk about me. (Thank you LeEllen for giving me that bit of news. It answered what I wanted to know) It is odd to me that my half sisters want nothing to do with me but still read my blog and I still get under their skin. This truly shows that they are interested in my life and what I do. Thank you for caring.

So on September 1^st, I know that Jane will be thinking about me. Regardless of how my birth mother feels about me, or the hurts I have, for nearly 51 years, my birth mother has thought and lamented her choices on that day. She will think about the baby girl that she had and never saw. My beloved Heather is gone and I would give my life to hold her again for a moment. My half-sisters sing Jane’s praises and say she is the best mother and grandmother ever. I beg to differ, as the best mother cannot throw one baby away, keep five others and be the best. I AM here and she had the opportunity to have a relationship, but some things that happen or don’t happen can be forgiven but not forgotten. There was a time I was a nice person, but I had to say enough was enough.

This hurt is real and it happened despite what my half-sisters would like to think and say. During most of what happened they were not there and did not witness what happened. There are three sides to these stories, my side, my birth mother’s side and the truth. Since my birth mother has nothing, absolutely nothing to say about theses events, it is my side only then. My near perfect photographic memory can give you vivid details of what happened, when and where and what was said.

My half sisters do not get to decide what hurt me and what didn’t. They also do not get to tell me to “get over it” or that I lied.  Regardless of this blog, what happened is written in my books for everyone to read. Like I have stated before it doesn’t matter what happened BEFORE, the day Heather died everything and I mean everything changed for me.

One of the hardest things that I do is grieve the death of a person who is still living. So why do I still write about my birth mother, because it still hurts.

Checking The Mail...

An ordinary day can be changed into an extraordinary day with the blink of an eye. it can be a voice, a sound, a song, a smell, a place, a person, an event that gets me, and the list goes on and on and on. I can be happy, or at least happy by the new normal standards, but then a normal day can be transformed into an emotional series of events. Something as simple as checking the mail can become a sudden gut kick, sucking all the air out of my lungs and forcing me to reach deep inside to remain standing.

Bill was away on a normal business trip to San Jose, and this like most of his other trips was nothing eventful. Most of the time I stay home to house sit, keep cat company and do my thing around the house. It is no big deal and I am getting used to the twice a month event. I try to stay busy and not get into trouble, but trouble sometimes seems to find me. Checking the mail is one of those routine things of day to day living around our house; but not more than a twice a week thing, as we don't get much in the way of mail. Most all the mail addressed to Heather has stopped. I guess after 7 years I had quit expecting to see anything addressed to her in the mail. Imagine my shock last week when I received a letter addressed to "The Estate of Heather N Coombe."

I slowly pulled this letter from the box wondering who in the world would be sending something, but also that they knew she was deceased. As the letter came into the light I could see it was from Ironwood Cancer Clinic. My mind raced, as my stomach felt sick and my heart began to hurt. I opened the letter to read a very cold, impersonal letter about doing some accounting cleaning and here was a refund that we were owed. I thought for a brief moment could be be a couple thousand dollars? We had after all paid close to $20,000 just to the oncologist. My eyes searched the check and found out it was ninety dollars and some change. WHAT? NINETY DOLLARS? I had to check and double check to make sure the amount I was reading was correct. My heart hurt and I felt like I had been slapped in the face. I had no words and still have no words to describe those moments. It was dark outside and I sat down on the curb under the streetlight to really review again what I was reading. Yup, it was $90. But for me my mind went racing to all the memories of treatments, bills and doctors. These memories came flooding over me in a tidal wave and I felt like I would drown. I still had no words and was in shock. Bill tells me I have the most fun while he is away.

I decided to cash the check and take the money to Disneyland to buy something with it. It seemed like the only thing I knew to do. I looked at the check and began to wonder if the thing could even be cashed or deposited. I figured I knew the answer and I wasn't going to like it much. A very nice bank manager told me I could not do anything with this check and suggested I call the center to see if they would reissue a check in my name. Of course at this point I really just wanted to write a giant F**K YOU on the check and send it back. I did not want the hassle of trying to explain to the bookkeeping department why I needed a different check.

I called Ironwood Cancer Clinic and my heart raced. How many calls had I made here and heard the answering systems replies to my number pushing. I got a hold of an answering machine and left a message, but decided that I did not want to wait for someone to call me back. I called again and went to the operator. I explained my situation briefly and asked her to please let me speak to a person. The next voice I heard was Julie. I calmly explained to her the situation and why I needed a new check. She told me that would be no problem as they recently changed accounting software and had sent out 100's of checks. I began to explain to her what this unexpected mail had done to me. I began to cry as I told her I had to sit down on the curb, under the street light to catch my breathe. I told her it was a huge shock and their letter needed to be more personable and extend some heartfelt sympathy and not just "we cleaned our books, here's your refund." I made Julie cry too. I am sorry but if I have to cry so do most of the people around me.

I arrived home from my Disneyland trip to find my check in thee mail. There was nothing in the envelope but the check. I think it would have been a very nice jest urge to have had a small note in with the check, but that would be too much to ask. Regardless the check arrived and I don't have to call them yet again to press for this whopping $90

It is always a joy as to what each day will bring. It never ceases to amaze me how things can still come around that shock me and I am sure this will never go away. I imagine 20 years from now there will be something that comes up that will rock me to the core. The only thing to do is to go thru the event and the emotions that it brings.

Death of a Child is NOT a Gift...

Cancer is NOT a gift, it can bring more meaning to life and it can inspire people including the survivor. Cancer is dealing with a life threatening illness. Peers; outside the close, immediate family, have no clue. The cancer survivor and family can feel alienated by friends and family. Life moves on for the rest of the world but yet here you are stuck, not moving forward, battling a life altering illness. Fullfillment and purpose are not the flip side of dealing with cancer. I never imagined my daughter would have cancer, or that I would have to stand by and watch her become the strongest woman I have ever known. I am proud of my Heather and love her very much.

The day Heather died, the world was busy; everyone was going about their normal routines and my world stopped moving. Time stopped while everything and everyone around me began moving at lightening speeds. I was stuck moving, not moving and trying to simply breath. It was not a day to day trying to survive it was a moment by moment ordeal.

The moment Heather died, all of my plans changed and her plans would remain unfinished forever. The calendar with days and events meant nothing and became irrelevant to me as I began the life altering event of grieving for the rest of my life.

The days after Heather died all the material things that she had, suddenly meant nothing to her; they were all left behind for me to figure out what to do with them. They were placed in my hands to care for or to give to others. Most of these items became priceless; all the childhood drawings and material things she touched, would be boxed up and placed away. Still, after 7 years, I will open a box, go thru it, touch all her things, and then simply put them back and place the box away till the next time.

The weeks after Heather died the words of my critics began to sting deeply. Most did not understand how this was not something I had moved on from. They wanted the old me to return and did not understand that I have been altered forever and would never be the same again. Their words was harsh and brutal, and simply did not apply to this situation. This is a death like no other. If you have a parent die, you could get a new one; a step parent. Not the same, but the title can be replaced. Also if you have a spouse die, you can find another one. (Please I am not saying that people, especially spouses, are replaceable) I know many people who, after the death of a spouse, have found a second chance at love. They once again can introduce a husband or a wife. For the death of a child there is no replacement. Yes, other children can be had, BUT the child that died will never be replaced.

In the months after Heather died I began to evolve into the new creation I had become. As the fog began to slowly move away, I now viewed my world in shades of gray and murky brown. My carefully crafted imagine no longer mattered to me as I began to speak my mind freely and not allow others to push me around. My sterling reputation I once struggled with was of little concern to me as I began a new life for myself. I had been reborn, but not by my choice.

In the years after Heather died I still fell the deep, great void that has been left in my life. I feel cheated and I was not ready for her to leave my world. A part of me died that day and I can never have that part back.  I have realized that time is priceless and I will do my best not to waste a second of time. I will not squander any moments dealing with people who have no compassion for me and my daughter; while they will never understand, my true friends will allow me to share Heather with them. They will realize the precious gift they get in hearing about my daughter.

I have come to realize that many things are beyond my control and they are not my concern. It is better for me to cut out the parts and people that have no heart to walk along side me. These people rob me of the joy that I have left. I won't waste so much daylight on people who bring darkness.

My daughter, Heather Nicole lived 7802 days, having a child die is NOT a gift, it can bring more meaning to life and it can inspire people including the grieving mother. This type of death is beyond most human understanding. Peers, outside the close immediate family, have no clue. The grieving mother can feel alienated by friends and family. Life moves on for the rest of the world but yet here I am stuck, not moving forward, battling to find a new normal. Fulfillment and purpose are not the flip side of learning to live with the death of a child.