I realize that my blog is on
a public forum and anyone who searches can find it. The posts that I write are
my feelings and since this is MY blog I can write whatever I feel about
writing. If you don’t like what you read then please don’t come back and read
more.
There are many things that
happen in our lives that shape the way we are and mold our character. I have
had a very hurtful past and I am sorry, but just like the death of Heather, I
am not going to “get over” this part of my life either. It is part of me and
always will be.
Along the lines of checking
the mail and getting something that takes your breath away, so can social
media. Mother’s Day and my birthday are very difficult days for me personally.
The troubles began in my childhood and were just amplified by the death of
Heather. Vindictive people know this and try to hurt me more especially on
those days.
As my birthday rolls around
again I cannot help but think about my birth mother. I know I have blogged many
times about her, but for me, the day my girls were born was the most monumental
days of my existence. It was the day that the baby that had been kicking around
inside me was given life. I grew this baby for 9 months and we are attached.
I wrote a Mother’s Day blog
that my half-sisters did not like very much. Imagine my shock when I learned
that after all these years they still read my blog from time to time. Of course
they claim they want nothing to do with me. My question is then why do they
read my blog? Why do they keep tabs on me?
My half-sister, LeEllen,
decided that Mothers Day would be the best time to send me a private message
thru Facebook about my blog post. Several messages were exchanged between
LeEllen and Wendy, and they were not nice messages. I sent back a response to LeEllen,
who claims that I refuse to respond to her message. Well, Facebook showed me
that she read my message and then blocked me. Really classy. Then she enlisted
her twin sister, Karla, to send me a message and then block me before I could
respond. If you are going to begin a fight, then at least have the guts, or
balls, to stand and fight. It is very tacky to send a message and then block
and not allow a response. But then I never expected much from them in the first
place.
My half-sister, LeEllen, brought up a statement that I threw away my mother and family several years ago. It took me forever to realize what in the world she was talking about. SO, here is the story from my side; LeEllen asked me to be the “greeter” for her wedding and I said, yes, I would love to do that. As the date came closer things in my house, with my girls, began to fall apart. Jenn was struggling with jr. high and Heather was being physically threatened in her 5th grade class. When I called to back out it was because I was taking Jenn and Heather out of school to begin homeschooling them. I felt that I could not leave MY family at that time.
My half-sister, LeEllen, brought up a statement that I threw away my mother and family several years ago. It took me forever to realize what in the world she was talking about. SO, here is the story from my side; LeEllen asked me to be the “greeter” for her wedding and I said, yes, I would love to do that. As the date came closer things in my house, with my girls, began to fall apart. Jenn was struggling with jr. high and Heather was being physically threatened in her 5th grade class. When I called to back out it was because I was taking Jenn and Heather out of school to begin homeschooling them. I felt that I could not leave MY family at that time.
I had the plane tickets and
when I spoke to my mother I offered her and her husband the tickets to come out
and see me. I NEVER, EVER said, come out and see me INSTEAD of attending your
daughter’s wedding. I meant after the wedding and before it got hot here in
Phoenix, would you come visit since she had never been to visit me before. Somehow,
either my mother misunderstood or my half-sisters misunderstood what they were
told, but this NEVER was said. So to my half sisters they feel as if I tested
my mother for her love and she picked them over me. This was never the case!
Regardless of what happened
then, when Heather got cancer, was in ICU and then died, my mother was no where
to be found. I made the mistake of calling her when Heather first went into the
hospital to make sure that my half sisters were aware of the cancer. I did not
want them, as hateful as they are, to experience what I had. Trust me, anything
happens with cancer or a major illness that could be genetic I will not bother
to call and let them know. But I can say with certainty that anytime their
children get sick or have swollen lymph nodes they think about Heather and me.
They will never get what happened to Heather or me out of their minds.
As another birthday rolls
around I cannot help but think about my birth mother. I still have questions
and wonder why she is unable to love her first-born child. I did not just stub
my toe, my daughter, and her granddaughter, had cancer and died and the trivial
things she tried to do would have been better left undone. I do know now that
my birth mother while very ill did talk about me. (Thank you LeEllen for giving
me that bit of news. It answered what I wanted to know) It is odd to me that my
half sisters want nothing to do with me but still read my blog and I still get
under their skin. This truly shows that they are interested in my life and what
I do. Thank you for caring.
So on September 1st,
I know that Jane will be thinking about me. Regardless of how my birth mother
feels about me, or the hurts I have, for nearly 51 years, my birth mother has
thought and lamented her choices on that day. She will think about the baby
girl that she had and never saw. My beloved Heather is gone and I would give my
life to hold her again for a moment. My half-sisters sing Jane’s praises and
say she is the best mother and grandmother ever. I beg to differ, as the best
mother cannot throw one baby away, keep five others and be the best. I AM here
and she had the opportunity to have a relationship, but some things that happen
or don’t happen can be forgiven but not forgotten. There was a time I was a
nice person, but I had to say enough was enough.
This hurt is real and it
happened despite what my half-sisters would like to think and say. During most
of what happened they were not there and did not witness what happened. There
are three sides to these stories, my side, my birth mother’s side and the
truth. Since my birth mother has nothing, absolutely nothing to say about
theses events, it is my side only then. My near perfect photographic memory can
give you vivid details of what happened, when and where and what was said.
My half sisters do not get to
decide what hurt me and what didn’t. They also do not get to tell me to “get
over it” or that I lied. Regardless of
this blog, what happened is written in my books for everyone to read. Like I
have stated before it doesn’t matter what happened BEFORE, the day Heather died
everything and I mean everything changed for me.
One of the hardest things
that I do is grieve the death of a person who is still living. So why do I
still write about my birth mother, because it still hurts.
