Slight Delay....

Due to April 20th being a bit harder than I expected...

Photos of the Heather diamond will be put up today and the memorial photos will come in the following blogs.. I didn't want to put just any ole thing up here as you all have come to expect profound words from me.

A small teaser photo

Our Beautiful Heather...

Today is 24 months since Heather died. I think that in many ways it gets harder not easier as time goes on. This situation is permanent and nothing can change that. Check back as I did get my Heather diamond and I will share photos of this stunning ring later.

When you are in the hospital the way that Heather was, you form bonds with the nurses. You see them day in and day out, week in and week out. They become a family to you. They see you and your family at the best and worst times in your life. I am happy and saddened that I have found many kindred spirits among the nurses that Heather had. They truly loved her and me (I say me because I was the one mostly there all the time) and our family. Many of these cherished nurses are family to me. I love each and every one of them.

Being in ICU is much different than being on a regular floor in the hospital. The nurses interact with the family more if not all of the time. The patients in ICU are so critical that the family members are usually the only ones talking. As Heather's health declined we were given Kim as out night nurse. She was a God send. This lady is amazing. Kim met Heather on Thursday night. Heather was alert and able to talk with her. On Friday night Kim was the nurse that helped to vent her. Even though Kim only had a night and a half of getting to know Heather herself, over the next few weeks she got to know us. Kim pushed to have Racheal be our night nurse when Kim had days off. Again, Racheal never met Heather, but she loved her and took the best care of her. Kim knew that Racheal would be the best one for Heather when she was on nights off.

This is a email that was sent at 7:44 pm on April 20, 2008. I honestly do not remember reading this email, but did have the good sense to save it. I have no words to say other than I love you Kim and thank you for loving our family.

Heather has the easy part here.  When her time comes, she will be in the loving arms of Jesus.  It is your wonderful family that will miss her so.  In case you wonder, if Heather had survived she would have very likely had severe breathing problems and possibly even an enlarged heart that no longer functioned well.  I understand what you are saying about her brain function, I went through it with my father. It would make it so much easier. YOU DID EVERYTHING YOU COULD FOR HER.  Your devotion to your daughter has touched us all.  Thank you for allowing us to be there with you and I hope sometimes for you.  I talked to Racheal last night and today and we both spoke about how it felt to barely know Heather but love her so much anyway.  I can only imagine how it must be for people who really knew her.  I keep remembering how I would smooth her hair back from her forehead and talk to her and feel such tenderness.  I really can't explain it except that she must be very special and the apple really does not fall far from the tree.  

I love you both, Kim.

Relay For Life...

Celebrate

Remember

Fight Back

As the lights dims, the entire field of walkers are all gathered in one area. The track is lined with burning luminary bags the have been purchased in honor or memory of a cancer survivor.  Everyone waiting all hold cups that have lighted candles in them. The lone bagpipe begins to play as he slowly starts to walk around the track. The survivors lead this group of about 1000 people. The entire group walks around the track in complete darkness and total silence to remember all those that have lost their fight with cancer. The bleachers on the other side of the field has the word COPE spelled out in luminary bags. The emotion and symbolism of this event is one that can not really be described.

Different booths around the track as you walk around

Beginning to gather to begin the remembrance ceremony

As I sat in the bleachers on the other side of the field, I thought about how Heather had attended her first Relay for Life event in 2005. She had not done any fund raising, it was an event to go walk around the track all night. Little did she know that 3 short years later she would be in a fight for her very life.

COPE~close to 1000 walker in silence to remember those who died to cancer

 Our neighbors, The Brown Family, were and still are very involved with Relay for Life. Natalie Brown and Heather had gone to elementary school together. They were buddies since our families had moved into the neighborhood 17 years ago.  In early April, 2008, Natalie heard about Heather's possible cancer and had asked our family to join the Relay for Life walk; just come and be with the people. We said yes as we knew Heather more than likely had cancer and we wanted to be part of the event. Earlier in the week, Natalie had given us all shirts to wear. Survivors wear purple shirts and support wear white. Heather was admitted to Banner Baywood the Thursday before the Saturday walk, proudly wearing her purple survivor Relay for Life shirt.

 When Heather was finished with treatments and was in remission, Natalie had asked Heather if she would be a speaker for the Relay for Life 2009. Heather said yes. We were all planning on attending this event as proud survivors. For the 2nd year in a row, Heather would be in Banner Baywood Hospital in serious condition. We had hoped that she would be out in time to at least attend the event. This was not to be as Heather would be in ICU on a vent when the actual event took place. Natalie brought Heather her 2nd purple survivor t shirt for the event the day she was placed in ICU. We were all in shock as we were admitted to ICU. Natalie came right up and pulled her chair next to the bed and held Heather's hand. 

Candle table for walkers to get their candles

This next year Are U Pink? will have an official team be part of the Relay for Life event. This is not the best time of year as it falls so close to all the dates that changed our lives forever. However, I feel that this is so much more a part of Heather than the Light The Night event. I just cannot do that event for a while I want to focus my energy into Relay for Life. I am hoping that I can be used as a staff member or volunteer this next year. Heather would be and will be right next to me cheering me on every step of the way.

With Love...Heather....

What do I do now that you're gone

No back up plan, no second chance

And no one else to blame

All I can hear in the silence that remains

Are the words I couldn't say....

~Country Strong~

The 1st year is complete and total shock. No other words for it. You go through the motions but looking back only remember bits and pieces of what you did. Every day is the 1st day of that year without your child. You are still getting used to the idea that they are gone. You are physically and emotionally drained as you try to go day to day with your "new" life. Simple things require the biggest amount of effort..like getting dressed in the morning...

The 2nd year is coming to grips with the realization that this is PERMANENT!! My daughter is never coming back and I have to learn to live without her. It is also the year that the few people that have stuck beside me are really growing tired of listening to me talk about her. It is a year in which people forget more and expect you to be "normal" again. After all they gave us 2 years to grieve. That should be plenty. 

Each day as the 20th gets closer I find myself more and more tired. Sleep doesn't help this kind of tired. I have begun sleeping restlessly and the nightmares have begun. I say nightmares because they show me a living and happy Heather only to wake to find her dead again. I have still be going to the gym. I think this helps. I would be eating tons of cheesecake if it wasn't for the fact I am working so hard at the gym. I find myself wanting the comfort foods again. So far I have no given in.

TY Heather bunny~only one at the hallmark

Have you ever seen a butterfly fluttering around and thought..."it was sent here just for me"? That is what this week has been. Nearly everyday there has been something that is Heather sending her love from heaven. Monday was the straps form Heather's ball gown. Wednesday we received an envelope that had lots of little notes that Heather wrote as she was playing with her sisters. (not happy with they way it was sent, but glad I have them nevertheless) Thursday, Bill was at the Hallmark store at Chandler Fashion Mall and there was only one TY purple Heather bunny sitting on the shelf. Thursday as well, I was in the Disney store and happened across the limited edition Rapunzel Tower. Then today my bell from Ben's Bells arrived. I loved it so much I ordered another one and plan to to mark each year. Unfortunately within a few years I will have lots of beautiful bells chiming on my back porch. All of these little things are Heather saying I love you..I am still here...

 

 http://www.bensbells.org/

It will be interesting to see what this next week brings. Monday will always be the day. This year the 20th is Wednesday....All kinds of things can happen on those 3 days. I am hoping beyond all hope that my diamond arrives on the 20th. Not sure why it has been delayed the way it has been. It is with the jeweler and he is fixing it. But it has been there for over 2 weeks. I have asked that it be here on the 20th...What else would I expect...Heather has to make a grand entrance...

New limited Tangled Tower...

Suprise.....

Oh, how we cried the day you left us

And gathered round your grave to grieve

Wish I could see the angels' faces

When they hear your sweet voice sing

Go rest high on that mountain

'Cause your work on earth is done

Go to heaven a shoutin'

Love for the father and the son

Go Rest High On that Mountain~Vince Gill

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jXrmAKBBTU

"Go Rest High on That Mountain" is a country song written by Vince Gill. It was released as a single from his 1994 album When Love Finds You. It is a eulogic ballad Gill began writing the song following the death of country music superstar Keith Whitley, who died in 1989. Gill did not finish the song until a few years later following the death of his older brother Bob, in 1993, of a heart attack. Ricky Skaggs and Patty Loveless sang background vocals on the record.

As April 20th is approaching I decided to have a private remembrance gathering. Due to my LOVE of Tangled I have purchased LED balloons. I cannot send fire in the desert no matter how much I would love to. We will be writing messages on the balloons before releasing them. There is something so peaceful about releasing balloons and watching them.  I also have my luminaries that we will be placing in the yard. I am doing everything in the number of 24. The number of months she has been gone. It will be the first time since Heather died that I will be having some people in my home. I feel comfortable with sharing my photos and memories of Heather with the ones coming.

If you have known me for very long you know I go all the way. I never do anything part way. This is no different. I am planning some food and decided to go with some of the decorations I used at Heather's graduation party. I had a plastic box full of candles and candle holder in the top of my closet. When I got it down on Monday a small plastic bag fell off the top of the box. I looked at this bag trying to figured out what it was. To my complete surprise it was the sequined straps from Heather's ballgown. I remembered placing them there only after they fell to the floor. I had not remembered them till that moment. 

I took my breath away....

I believe this was a sign from Heather. No, I am not going creepy. I and other grieving mothers will agree that little things like this are a gift of love from our kids. My one regret is that I didn't have a piece of Heather's ball gown before she was cremated in it. I have the pictures and that should be enough, but after the fact I wished I had a piece of the actual gown. SO....here is my pieces of her gown. I couldn't think of a better small token of love from Heather on the day after the 10th. It was like her saying "here Momy..here is my ball gown just for you...with all my love and kisses".

As to the Heather diamond....it has been delayed at the jewelers. Due to the size of the stone he is taking extra time to make sure the prongs are holding the diamond secure. While I thought it was going to be early and arrive in March, Heather has managed to keep to her slow no hurry pace and I am hoping beyond all hope that I have it for the 20th.

April 10, 2009

April 10, 2008 began almost like any other day…except I woke up very early. Little did I know that today would be one of the longest days of my life. I knew in my mind what the afternoon held for Heather and me. It was our first visit to see Dr. Fastenberg. I was prepared for him to tell me that he didn’t know exactly what kind of cancer she had. There was more testing needed. Then give us a testing schedule for a bone marrow biopsy, remove a lymph node, CT scan, MRI and more blood work. I told everyone we would not really know much. Told Bill to go to work. There was no need for him to come with us. It does not happen that you can get a full diagnosis from a needle biopsy.

Taken April 9, 2008-Heather driving her car-last time for 6 months

 I honestly can’t remember all that we did, but I do know that Shyla, Heather, and I went to lunch at Subway. During lunch I received a call from a very close friend. We had been out of touch for a few years. She had just heard and called to see what was going on. Little did I realize just how important our friendship renewing would become. Heather, Shyla and I were antsy at home so we went to the mall to waste some time. I remember looking at nothing. Just walking and looking at my phone to see the time crawl by waiting for the 2:30 appointment. Heather and Shyla posed with the Chick Fil-a cow. This would be the last photo taken before our lives changed forever. Heather loved the grilled chicken caesar salad from Paradise Bakery so we got one on our way out.

Right before we left for The Appointment~Heather and Shyla

When I began driving to Ironwood Cancer center I realized that I never actually looked to find where it was. All I knew was it was behind Banner Baywood Hospital on Arbor Street. I began to panic when I had just about come to the end of the street and still had not found it. As I made the last curve there it was on the left hand side of the road. I pulled into the parking lot and found a spot. Heather finished her salad and brought it out to throw it away. There was no trashcan. I told her to put it by the tire and we would get it on the way out and throw it away. As we entered the waiting room we were the youngest ones there.

It was the usual fill out the paperwork, meet with financing and then sit and wait. We waited and waited and waited. Appointment was for 2:30, then 3 o’clock came, then 3:30. Heather sat there with her legs crossed shaking and flipping her foot the way she did when she was nervous. Finally a nurse called “Heather Coombe”. It was our turn. Shyla stayed in the waiting room. Heather and I entered the exam room. The same room we would be in every time we saw Dr. Fastenberg. Lorane took the vitals and told us he would be with us shortly. Heather and I neither one knew what was about to happen as he came in the door.

Dr. Fastenberg, hematology oncologist, came in and looked at the chart. He asked Heather to sit up on the exam table and did the basic exam. He felt her neck, shoulders, back and stomach feeling lymph nodes. He then asked Heather to sit next to me. He asked her lots of questions about her life, did she go to school, have a job, lots about her lifestyle. He had to ask if she did drugs, had sex and/or could be pregnant. He said he would ask mom to step outside if she needed to say anything I couldn’t hear. She laughed and said no, she knows everything.

Dr. Fastenberg looked right at Heather and me and told us that as of this moment she was in a fight for her life. She was no longer a student or worked a job; she had to check out of her life till treatments were over. He had the diagnosis of T-Cell Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoblastic Lymphoma. But he did state it could be Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. Either way treatment was the same. It is a very aggressive cancer and fast moving. 

Heather is in very serious condition and she needs massive chemo to begin as soon as possible. He asked me when could we check into the hospital. I told him maybe Monday would be good. This was Thursday and that would give us the weekend to get things in order. He looked right at me and told me it could not wait and she needed to be admitted tonight, right away. Heather was in shock and did not hear anything after he said aggressive and fast moving cancer. As I sat there I began to have tunnel vision and there was ringing in my ears. Did someone suck all the oxygen out of the room? Were the lights going out? Could I be passing out from shock? I could hear Dr. Fastenberg talking and I was trying to stay conscious and comprehend what he was staying..8 rounds, 4 cycles, spinal chemo, 6 months, blood transfusions, long hospital stays, blood levels, remission, bone marrow transplant, aggressive, maintenance for 2 yrs….and on and on with words and terms I had never dreamed of.

Dr. Fastenberg’s phone goes off and he explains he has to take the call and steps outside. Heather begins to cry the moment he leaves the room. I hug her and try, try to reassure her that everything is going to be ok. I get my phone out and call Bill. The only thing I can say is “it is bad, get home”. Bill at this point leaves work not knowing even where I am. he had no clue where the doctor's office was. Dr. Fastenberg comes back in and tells me that was City of Hope. He is looking at a stem cell transplant for Heather and seeing if they could get her in right away. I asked if Mayo Clinic would be a better place for Heather to be. He explained to me that this was a long difficult treatment road. Being close to home and having friends and family for support would be a huge help in the long run. He told me we could go to MD Anderson, but they would use the same treatment as he would. Did not know at the time that he helped develop the treatment plan.

We then went down to his office as he called the hospital to see if they had a room right now. They did not. He told them he had an admit for tonight to begin testing first thing in the morning and begin chemo that afternoon. Dr. Fastenberg told me we would know more after the testing came back. He wanted to see how big the tumor was in her chest and how many lymph nodes were involved. He began to talk about radiation as well. There ended up being no chest tumor..He told me that someone from Banner Baywood would call me and let me know when the room was ready sometime tonight. He would see us tomorrow.

I walked out and stopped at the desk. The 2 gals that were there were heartbroken and kept telling me everything would be ok. I sent Heather out to be with Shyla.  It was well after 5pm when we finally came out. One look at Heather’s face and Shyla knew it was bad. Heather mouthed the words "it's bad". It was all that Heather could say. I looked through the little rectangle window and saw them hugging and crying in the waiting room. I walked outside and told the girls to go by the xterra. I went to the side of the building and fell apart. I could not breath..my heart was pounding, tears were streaming down my face and someone had sucked all the air out of my world.  I pulled my self together and we left the parking lot. No, we did not get the trash..I feel really bad about that one. Just forgot all about it.

The rest of the evening is spent making phone calls and trying to figure out what Heather and I need for the hospital. I had no clue what to take. Heather and I agreed that she should cut her long hair before she went into the hospital. This would be the most emotional haircut anyone ever had. We even got the hair stylist crying. It was the beginning of many more tough things Heather and I would have to experience. We came home and waited to hear from Baywood.

The "full face" is all the swelling of lymph nodes~not fat

Heather trying to be thrilled about short hair....

About 9pm that night the call came. No we never ate dinner. Never dawned on us to eat. We arrived and went to 6 South, the oncology side. We did not check in right, we were suppose to check in through the ER. But we were taken to our room anyway. Room # 627. In the hallway, working on a computer was a nurse that smiled at Heather. She smiled back. Come to find out that was our nurse for the night. It was our Stacey. When she came in she talked to Heather for a long time. Told her it was not fair and that no one had the right to tell her it was. She also said her favorite thing to say was this whole thing sucks. Cancer sucks and everything about it sucks. Stacey said it gets the point across and it is not a swear word. Everyone gets the full meaning. It has been my favorite word since that day.

Three years ago tonight I was in Banner Baywood with my Dolly Girl Heather wishing we were at home and things could be normal.Two years ago I was in Banner Baywood with My Dolly Girl Heather wishing we were home and things could be normal. Last year I am at home without My Dolly Girl Heather wishing she was here and things will never be normal again. This year for the third year in a row and for the rest of my life...I am at home without My Dolly Girl Heather wishing she was here.............................

Happy 3 yr anniversary Stacey...we met you the first night. The connection between you and Heather was immediate. You were a God send for both me and Heather during the past 3 years. I hope and pray we didn't mess your life up too bad with things that happened.

Happy 3 yr anniversary Gayle (tomorrow)....You were a rock for Heather. You stood by her and showed her that you can stand up to doctors, they don't have to have their way all the time. Your support and love of Heather is truly a blessing. Love ya lots

Of all the bad stuff that happened, I am thankful for the wonderful people (mostly nurses) we met along the way. To my A-TEAM....I love you all the mostest and wish we had all met at the grocery store instead. But if I had to go through all this I am glad I had all of you with me.

I Want Candy.....

I know a girl who's tough but sweet

She's so fine, she can't be beat

She's got everything that I desire

Sets the summer sun on fire...

I want candy

I want candy

I want candy

I want candy...

I Want Candy~ Aaron Carter

The Easter Bunny or Easter Hare (sometimes Spring Bunny in the U.S.) is a character depicted as a rabbit bringing Easter eggs, who sometimes is depicted with clothes. In legend, the creature brings baskets filled with colored eggs, candy and sometimes also toys to the homes of children on the night before Easter. The Easter Bunny will either put the baskets in a designated place or hide them somewhere in the house or garden for the children to find when they wake up in the morning.

As we raised our children we never had them believe in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. While they were little they only knew about Jesus' birth and death as the meanings for the holidays. As they grew older and could understand we "played" about Santa and The Easter Bunny. 

BUT...the girls always had Easter dresses and Easter baskets. Yes, they had eggs, candy and usually a stuffed bunny rabbit. Heather was almost 4 months old for her 1st Easter. I made matching dresses for all three of us girls. Heather got her very 1st bunny. I am not sure if this began her love of bunnies, or if she was just born with it. The little white bunny named SNUGGLETTE was a favorite for many years. It managed to get on the hot stove and I had to sew "bandaids" on the boo boos. The white bunny has turned grey due to love and the years it has seen. It was still one every now and then I could catch Heather sleeping with even as a big girl.

Heather's 1st Easter 1988-4 months

Heather, Momy, Jenny and dog Champion-1988

Dady, Heather and Champion-1988

 Once Heather was old enough to understand the candy part of Easter, her favorites were PEEPS and Jelly Beans. As candies improved over the years she loved the fruit flavored tootsie rolls.(Every parents knows those are from Peter Piper Pizza-5 for a ticket) Then came the bunny mallows...you know marshmallows only in the shape of bunnies. Heather never met an Easter candy she didn't like. When she was doing chemo she always took a huge bag of candy to the hospital with her. It helped the taste of the chemo in her mouth.

 Heather also never met a bunny she didn't have to have. She loved Easter with all the bunnies. Clearance  Easter 1988 found me getting a huge white soft bunny. I saved it for her birthday. "Big Giant Bunny" was a huge hit. She could be seen laying and dragging "Big Giant Bunny" all over the house for years. I know on many occasions this bunny could be seen in a pink tutu as well.  Easter 1993 or 1994 we were shopping at Kmart. They had a bunny that was multicolored and had jelly beans on the feet. Heather begged and begged for "jelly bean bunny" for weeks. Her face was one of sheer delight when "jelly bean bunny" was in the basket for Easter.

Heather and Jelly Bean Bunny-2 cool cats

When Heather was little she had a big girl friend named Shawnee. For Heather's 2nd birthday she gave her a pink floppy bunny. Heather named it Shawnee bunny. This was not a new bunny as Shawnee had it for years before she gave it to Heather. It was a gift from the heart. It had dresses and all kinds of clothes. It is very loved and prized. Another special bunny came from Diane. After Awana events all us girls (Diane, Jenn, Heather, Wendy and me) would go to Glendale to have lunch and go shopping. On one such trip, Heather found "Snickelfritz". She was probably 13 or 14 years old. She loved that bunny to death. "Snickelfritz" was so dirty and loved that we called him "Armie Pits".

Jenny and Heather~Easter 1989

Bill, Heather and Jenny~Easter 1989

Heather went shopping at the mall right before Easter 2008. She walked by the Easter Bunny photo area and there was no one there. They asked if she wanted a free picture with the Easter Bunny~business appeared to be very slow that day. She said she felt like she looked good and said what the heck. She came home with 2 photos. She looked stunning for just an impromptu photo. I loved the photo so much...

Easter 2008~BC~before cancer

 The very first time I let to girls be part of Trick or Treating for Halloween, Heather was a bunny. It was a very last minute idea and she had all the parts to be a bunny. Which is so her to have a set of bunny ears just laying around. What else would a bunny lover be for Halloween but a bunny rabbit.

Halloween Bunny??

The last photo that us 4 girls took before our world enter the nightmare called cancer was Easter 2008 in the backyard. It was the last time that things would be "normal". We knew the biopsy was coming in a few days, but still the whole world of cancer and chemo had not officially entered our world. In a few short days my entire universe would be turned upside down and inside out. Who knew???

Sherry, Wendy, Heather and Jenn~Easter 2008

The new movie HOP would have been a Heather favorite. Is it an award winning movie, probably not. But it has very cute bunnies and lots of candy. The son of the Easter Bunny named EB is not sure he wants to be the Easter Bunny. He runs away to Hollywood and nearly gets run over by Fred O'Hare. The 2 form a bond and Fred realizes that he was born to be The Easter Bunny. There are cute girl bunnies called the pink berets that come to Hollywood to find EB. These are no little break a nail pink girl bunnies...they are tough. The 2nd in command at the candy factory-a fuzzy, yellow chick named Carlos, decided he will take over and be the Easter Chick. Fred and EB save the day and become co Easter Bunnies together. It is a very sweet movie. I highly recommend this movie. I have seen it 3 times in a week. Thanks Stacey for seeing a kiddo movie with me for on one of our late night movies. I love you. Also took Pea to see it and she loved it. She loves EB and sings I want candy and plays the drums like EB.

Jenn, Wendy and Heather~Easter 1992

 

 

 

 

Wendy, Heather and Jenn~Easter 1995 ~Trinity Baptist