If I Had Only Known...

If I had only known
It was the last walk in the rain
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm
I would hold your hand
Like a life line to my heart
Underneath the thunder we'd be warm
If I had only known
It was our last walk in the rain...

Happy Birthday To You...
Happy Birthday To You..
Happy Birthday dear Heather...
Happy Birthday To You...

The day a child is born is usually one of the happiest days in the parent's life. The mom and dad have planned and worried over their baby growing inside. Now finally they meet for the first time. Back when my girls were born we were told not to even ask what the sex of the baby was. Now it is routine to tell every parent what they are having. The moment the baby is born and cries the parent's joy and work begins. For the mother especially it is a day that she will remember and mark for the rest of her life. It is the day her body gave birth to the child she had been growing for 9 months. There is a bond that can almost never be broken. No one will ever love you more than your mother...EVER!!!

The first big milestone for December 10th was in 1987 when Heather was born. She barely made it on the 10th as she as born at 11:52pm. This was meant to be her birthday for her entire lifetime. I was hoping that she would come early and not have her birthday so close to Christmas. Regardless, December birthdays are always associated with Christmas. Heather always received birthday gifts wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper. It really didn't seem to bother her. I always tried to make sure that her birthday was celebrated before the holidays festivities began.

If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again
I'd memorize each thing you ever said
And on those lonely nights
I could think of them once more
Keep your words alive inside my head
If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again...

Happy 21st Birthday with Minnie and Mickey-2008

Heather, like any other kid, looked forward to her birthday with great anticipation. Her parties included several Minnie Mouse ones, Beauty and the Beast ones and a few at McDonald's. As she got older I tried to do different more big girl things such as painting pottery or going to ZooLights. These "big girl" parties usually included one or two close friends. When Heather was 16 we had a formal tea party with 3 friends. It was a very lovely time and Heather really enjoyed the pomp and circumstance of having a tea party.

For Heather's 21st birthday the family came to Disneyland. It was a grand celebration as we flew in and stayed at the Disneyland Hotel. We had never done that before but with 2008's events we thought a little bit more celebrating for 21 seemed to be in order. We did lots of things for the first time like eating beignets, riding the Lilly Belle and having lunch with all the princesses. It was a birthday to remember in many ways, but never ever did I dream that 4 months and 10 days later Heather would die. Making that her last birthday ever.

You were the treasure in my hand
You were the one who always stood beside me
So unaware I foolishly believed
That you would always be there
But then there came a day
And I turned my head and you slipped away..
For 21 years I had planned parties and thought about gifts that would make Heather happy. I bought balloon, party favors and made or bought her birthday cake. I usually didn't wait too long to get Heather's birthday gifts with the holiday rush on. I remember one birthday when we bought her the red light up Minnie Mouse. To say that she was thrilled didn't begin to explain her excitement for that Minnie Mouse. (A Minnie Mouse which I still have today). The day would be spent decorating and making sure all the last few details were attended to. Suddenly and with no warning December 10th abruptly ended. To the world it wasn't Heather's birthday anymore. The day became like any other day....

No more gifts to buy, no parties to plan or cakes to make. Balloons don't need to be inflated, nor decorations put up. December 10th is just an ordinary day to the rest of the world. But to me it is the day I gave birth to a baby girl whose name was Heather. This year I have a place to go to honor Heather on her special day. So Saturday I took the metal cupcake with the single candle and three metal balloons out to the cemetery. I placed them with her Christmas stuff. I do not get to sing Happy Birthday. I do not get to take her to dinner. I do not get to give her a hug and tell her I love her. Instead I get to think to myself, today is a huge day in my life as the rest of the world simply runs its course.

I decided to be selfish this year and return back to Disneyland for December 10th like in 2008. Only this time there is no Disneyland Hotel, no lunch with princesses and no ride on the Lilly Belle. Instead I wanted to get away to be at a place where maybe my memories and thoughts wouldn't hurt my heart so much. Maybe I can get lost in the business of Disneyland and just let it be an okay day. No my heart nor my mind will forget what December 10th is.

Happy 25th Birthday-2012

If I had only known
It was my last night by your side
I'd pray a miracle would stop the dawn
And when you'd smile at me
I would look into your eyes
And make sure you know my love
For you goes on and on
If I had only known
If I had only known
The love I would've shown
If I had only known
~REBA~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eeKv_qc_aOo

Merry Christmas, Darling...

Holidays are joyful
There's always something new
But every day's a holiday
When I'm near to you
The lights on my tree
I wish you could see
I wish it every day
Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say…

What is love? How long does it last? For the 1^st grader seeing his teacher and feeling she is the most beautiful woman in the world it lasts as few days. For the teenager with a broken heart it seems to last for weeks. But for the young couple that fell in love over 50+ years their love cannot even be separated by death.

I recently heard the most beautiful love story that I felt I had to share. It touched me deeply. I only hope I can give the emotions that I felt while the story was told to me last week.

Dale and Ruth Davis had been married for over 50+ years and built a loving strong family full of love and support. The devoted example of these two was an inspiration not only to their 5 children and many grandchildren but to everyone who knew them. One of my last conversations with Ruth was in August 2011. She never met Heather but was so kind to listen to me talk about Heather and express her heartfelt pain for me. Ruth had been having a few health issues and I was asking about how she was feeling. She very matter-a-factly told me she decided she was not going to die first. She had to take care of Dale for he would be lost without her and she didn’t want his heart to be broken at the loss of her. She told me she could go on without Dale, it would be hard but she was stronger than Dale was. This was the most beautiful declaration of love I think I have ever heard. She wasn’t about her and her illness but about her love for Dale.

Ruth’s favorite time of year was Christmas. All the family looked forward to Christmas Eve and Day at the Davis’ house. Ruth would decorate the house, the tree, and make all kinds of Christmas goodies with tender loving care for her family and friends. One of her traditions was Ruth loved to make snowmen out of soda bottles. She gave them as gifts to family, friends or anyone that was kind to her. Several years ago Ruth had very sweetly shared with Dale that while she appreciated his help that maybe decorating the tree with her crystal ornaments should be her job. She also had lovely pink and white lights to adorn her tree with the sparkly ornaments.

With much sadness Ruth died in early January this year. As with most families Mom is the glue that holds that family together. This was the same with the Davis family as well. As the holidays were approaching everyone was concerned about Dale and what he would do for Christmas. Early last week Dale put up his Christmas tree. (Dale and Ruth Davis are the parents of Derek Davis, Bill’s longtime high school classmate.) While I was up visiting with Derek and his wife last week, Derek was talking about his Dad’s tree and what a good job he had done with it. For some reason I felt moved and really wanted to go see this for myself. I asked Derek if he would take me by to visit with his Dad and see his Christmas tree.

Last Friday I had the privilege and honor to go see this amazing Christmas tree. The tree was beyond breathtaking and I would have never imagined that Dale had decorated this by himself. The pink and white lights were placed with loving care around the tree and all the crystal ornaments were very gently placed on the branches. The lights, the beautiful crystal ornaments and the love that stood behind all that was shining in the living room window where it has always been placed was an amazing sight to behold. When asked how he decorated the tree, Dale gets a big grin and said he had help. He told me that Ruth helped him decorate his tree. I told him how much I loved the pink lights and then he shared a story with me.

Several years ago Ruth had told Dale that her strings of pink lights had seen their last Christmas season. They were beyond repair. Ruth had found strings of pink lights at the store but she had not purchased them. Dale asked her why. She told him the pink light were on white wires not green wires. Dale lovingly told her come on and let’s go look. They looked and looked but only could find pink lights on white wires. But Dale had an idea. He bought 4 sets of 100 pink lights and 4 sets of 100 lights on green wires. Once they were home Dale lovingly sat for hours and hours and exchanged all the pink bulbs into the green wires for Ruth’s tree. With anticipation of what she would say when they were all finished and on the tree Dale called Ruth to come in and see her pink lights. A big smile came over her face and she cried…for the pink lights had white bases placed in green wires. She gave him and big hug and said thank you. The pink lights with white bases in green holders were on the tree that I saw last week.

While many of you that have not had a loss of great significance will not understand and think me to be crazy, but I believe with everything in me that Ruth came and visited her loving husband and helped him decorate THEIR tree for Christmas. Just as Heather sat at the end of my bed on the hope chest and told me “it’s okay mom…I am fine”. These are not dreams but actual visits.

Dale will be turning 80 years old on December 9. His whole family will be gathering to help celebrate this milestone birthday. But the love of Dale’s life will be missing, or will she?

Merry Christmas darling
We're apart that's true
But I can dream and in my dreams
I'm Christmas-ing with you..

~The Carpenters~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YR1ujXx2p-I

It Won't Be The Same this Year...

What did you do the day after thanksgiving? Go Shopping? Visit family? Eat leftovers? Sleep after last night shopping? My day after Thanksgiving was spent in the cemetery decorating Heather’s grave for Christmas. I have been planning and preparing for what specific decorations were going out there. I have ideas in my head but when I see them actually turn out the way I planned it makes me smile.

Buying supplies for Heather's tree

This is the first Christmas to have a grave for Heather. I am not sure what is normal or right but I have to do what I feel deep in my heart to be the right thing. I knew she had to have a Christmas tree with solar lights and decorations. She also had to have a stocking. Unfortunately there are people out there that think it funny to take decorations at Christmas from the cemetery. So everything I place I have to be prepared that it might get stolen.

Ashley's decorations

I wanted poinsettias as flowers, lots of red and for it to look very festive, or as festive as it can be for a cemetery. I also needed to get some Christmas things for Ashley’s grave as well. People are beginning to notice the two girls markers are decorated similarly. I had a very nice lady come ask us to tell her the story of the two girls. She was deeply moved by the story of the two little girls in 1^st grade and how after all these years they are so close together. She also thought it was quite special that I was willing to make sure Ashley had new flowers and decorations as well. I have to say I was a bit sad that I couldn’t really see getting two trees with lights and decorations this year. It was kind of spendy. But Bill reminded me it was ok that Heather has something special or different on her grave that Ashley doesn’t have.

Heather's tree and stocking

Heather's spot all decorated

I finished decorating and felt very satisfied with what I had done for both Heather and Ashley. We went back later that night and crawled over the fence to see the tree lit at night. It was really something to see the snowflake changing colors and the tree with all the lights glowing in the dark. What was even more amazing was that the solar lights had not been charged enough. They only lasted long enough for us to see it and then it went out. Of course now they have plenty of charge to last the night. It was blessings to have the lights allow us to see it that night.

First look at night

There are more Christmas decorations going up around the cemetery. Each time I go out I walk around to see all the new things. It is very important for loved ones to decorate out there at Christmas. It is very impressive to see. The cemetery has a candle lighting remembrance ceremony on Friday. I can’t wait to see what it is all about. I used to drive by and see the signs for events like that and wondered how people can go to something like that. Now I “get it”! Bill and I went and decorated an ornament and placed on the tree in the lobby. We get to take it home on Friday. I am not sure I will go every year, but for now, this feels like the right thing to do.

Christmas ornament for the candle lighting ceremony

Her favor time of year was always Christmas,

We’ll reminisce about the days gone by,

Oh how I wish that she was still here with us,

My memories with her will never die.

When that stocking are hung,

Silent night has been sung

And Christmas is finally here,

It won’t be the same this year…

~Vince Gill~

This song was written by Vince Gill after the sudden death of his brother Bob Gill in 1993 from a heart attack. Bob was Vince’s big brother.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22hABeVNDcc

Thankfulness? Really?

When a loved one dies many things happen all at once. The family you knew is gone forever. The future you envisioned is changed permanently. The way you view the world and all past and future relationships are different. Nothing is the same.

Thanksgiving is a time of remembering all the things you are thankful for. I am sorry I have not found much to be thankful for the last 4 years. In 2008 I was thankful that Heather was in remission and was finished with the hard chemo. We were getting on with our lives. I will not ever say I am thankful Heather died. Many people tell me I should be thankful she is in a better place. Well, let me tell you, I am not. I want her here. The pain and sorrow are too much to bear. I just want the hurt and broken heart to go away. And it never will. I can be thankful that Heather isn't suffering or in pain, thankful she was my daughter and that I had her for 21 yrs, 4 mths and 10 days.

Families are fractured forever. There are basically two directions for the family to go. The death can pull the family apart and they drift away or it can draw the family together and make them close. I think at different times during the grieving process both directions can and will happen to the family. I think for our family Heather’s death has fractured us apart. There is everything from hurt feelings, to everyone’s own grief, to the unreal expectations of how the others should be grieving and then just flat out not being able to understand or comprehend the devastation loss of Heather. This is a death that passes all understanding. I have experienced many deaths in my lifetime of very important people. I also thought “I got it” about the death of a child. But as I have shared so many times before, till the moment Heather died, I didn’t know jack squat about the feelings and emotions and unimaginable loss of MY CHILD.

*There are a number of forms of guilt that can be part of the grieving parent process; some include:

Believing you have failed as a parent

Survivor guilt

Guilt about feeling happy or feeling hope again

Guilt about events from the past, present and future

Guilt because of unfinished business

Guilt because of something that happened regarding the circumstances of the death.

It appears to be that recently our family is beginning to make strides at mending and they seem to be becoming ok with the fact that I talk about Heather all the time. I have to. It is my only way to show that she lived and was here. They say “time heals all wounds” this is true for many but some wounds time changes but it never gets any easier. I am sorry to say that losing a child changes and becomes different but it never heals.

*Shattered beliefs:

The death of a child can turn a parent’s prospective about life and the world upside down. You may find yourself struggling to make sense of your existence, future, domestic life, identity and worldview in the aftermath of your loss. Suddenly your life feels entirely out of your control and it can feel like you are no longer the same person. “My world fell apart that day. Everything I knew to be my life ended. There were no rules that applied anymore.” You may find yourself feeling lost.

The holidays are filled with so many mixed emotions that all of them cannot begin to be described. The longing for happier holidays, the wanting to make and celebrate the holidays with remaining family and then the idea that forevermore one is missing from your holiday table.. An empty seat where that loved one sat and ate, enjoyed and laughed for so many holidays before. Most of the time I can fool myself into thinking Heather is at work or school. But when it comes to the holidays where there is no work or school, it hits home that she is gone. The old traditions have to be changed or removed all together. For the first time in 4 years I am not terribly horribly depressed. I am trying to convince myself that this year I will have the holiday spirit and I will not allow myself to get down. I hope this lasts as Heather’s birthday is rapidly approaching.

*Holidays:

Holidays remind parents of how things have changed and that things will never be what they once were when the child was still living, which can magnify the sense of loss. The idea of facing holidays without the child can be painful and difficult.

Plan ahead

Only do the things you want to do

Keep things as simple as possible

Skip holiday gathering and traditions if you want to

Make sure to take time to be alone if you need it

Ignore or change old traditions as feels right

Eliminate unnecessary stress

*When Your Child Dies By Avril Nagel & Randie Clark

If you bring up my daughter’s name I might cry. If you don’t bring up her name it will break my heart.

Synchronized Diving: A Relationship...

This part was written by Jenn about how her relationship with Paz began. I figured I can't write it any better so I stole, borrowed without permission or gleeped her words from FaceBook.

Height difference is NOT an optical illusion

No, this isn’t necessarily about the Olympics, although the synchronized diving is a good metaphor for my life right now. God has been doing an amazing work the past couple weeks (make that the past few years), and I’m still in awe of all that he has done, in his good timing.

Back in January, my family and I were going through a hard time. I had set up a meeting with my pastor Jason to talk about it, and our discussion eventually led to my struggles with singleness. He encouraged me to take the next six months and pray boldly for a husband. Not that we should put timelines on God, but sometimes it’s helpful to have a focused amount of time and believe that God can work, if he chooses. So I spent the next six months praying harder than I ever had before that God would interrupt my life with the possibility of a relationship.

The second week of July, a friend posted a picture of her handsome brother on Facebook. He was a mutual friend of mine that I hadn’t talked to in a few years. I flipped over to his Facebook page, saw that he was going to seminary in Dallas, and just felt God pressing on my heart to pray for him. I spent the rest of the day doing just that, and at the end of the day, felt like I needed to message him to encourage him. God kept pressing it on my heart, so I plucked up the courage and sent him a brief message of encouragement. I knew this would have been something I would have done for any guy friend in my life, so I didn’t feel like it was too out-of-the-ordinary for me.

The next day I received a response, telling me that he was having a terrible day and my message greatly encouraged him. We messaged back and forth, and eventually moved to texting, and continued talking through the weekend and into the next week. I found out that not only did he want to be a pastor, but he wanted to be a church-planting pastor. God had already been building in my heart the desire for church-planting months before, and this commonality could not be ignored in my mind. He asked me if I’d be willing to have a Skype date, and I agreed. I wasn’t sure what this would bring, but I knew that God was doing something, and I couldn’t ignore the fact that I liked this guy after our many conversations thus far. The biggest thing that struck me was our shared passion for God and his word; it felt like iron-sharpening-iron every time we interacted, and it was becoming a greater and greater blessing to talk to this godly guy.

On Tuesday, 17 July 2012, after a 5 hour Skype conversation, Paz Galusha-Luna asked me to begin pursuing a relationship with him, and I said yes. I didn’t realize until a week later that not only was it about six months from when I started praying, but it was precisely down to the day; I looked back in my journal, and in clear letters read “17 January 2012” for when I started praying for God to bring me someone in the next six months. I’m still in awe of how God did this. For some reason, God has chosen to move quickly in bringing Paz and me together and in the progression of our dating relationship. It is only by the hand of God that he has brought us together, nearly four years after we met at a group lunch at Joe’s Farm Grill after church in October 2008, and he continues to lead our steps as we seek him in prayer.

As I watched the synchronized diving competition in the Olympics, I realized that it’s similar to how I feel about this new relationship. Paz and I are individual people who have stepped up to the diving board. We are walking in synch, and now we’ve taken that big dive off the edge. Together. There are still a lot of unknowns. It feels like I am still in midair, but I know that if I look to my side, there is Paz, who has taken the leap with me, and that is a good feeling indeed.

Paz moved back to Arizona the first of September to be close to Jenn. There was a medical bump in the road that he and Jenn would need to endure first. This was something that could make or break their relationship. I feel that they are much stronger as a couple having gone thru this together. Paz is on the road to recovery and has made huge strides towards his health. This is something that Jenn assailed at and became just like her mother in the caregiver role of things. Wonder if somehow wheat we endured with Heather was to give her the strength to take on her new role as caregiver.

Newly engaged

This is to announce that Paz finally got down on one knee and asked Jenn to marry him on Friday November 2, 2012. The wedding will be February 9, 2013. We are very pleased to have made huge strides int he planning area of the wedding. 

Please join me in congratulating Jenn and Paz on their engagement...

Their smiles say it all...