Shame on you...

I have so many emotions and feelings that it is hard to describe exactly what has happened the past few months. Let me go back to August. I hosted Jenn's baby shower at my house and we had a few relatives come in from out of town. There was a big dinner over at Bill's sister house with some of the family. (Because of the house being small my girls and their families were not invited which hurt them) I had a strange feeling about going and felt that something wasn't right. So I stayed away that night. The next afternoon was the baby shower and when some relatives arrived I felt a "cold" shoulder from them. This was very odd and not like them at all. Shortly after the baby shower I found out just what was going on.

Bills brother in no words but in actions let it be known that if he was in Bill's shoes he would not be trying to work out a marriage of 30 years. It was my choice to make him leave and he would have left. Well, SHAME ON YOU! My bible says that marriage is for keeps and that we try to work our differences out. There were no other people involved it simply had to do with the fact that our marriage, family and household had been dealt many devastating blows and neither Bill nor I were the same person we had been before February, 2008. We needed time and space to think and become acquainted with the new people we have become. I just hope that this man's wife knows how he feels if she ever was to need some time and space. He would basically throw it all away. We did not need judgment, we needed love and understanding, not a firing squad. Throwing away a marriage is not what was intended but we had no support from family that we should continue. Bill did not share this with me till something even bigger happened a few days later.

I have always said if you don't like what I post or say on my FaceBook then delete me. However, I did not think this applied to my so called family. I was deleted by three members of Bill's family and of course I questioned why. So when Bill esquires he was told they didn't like me bashing my husband and talking about him badly. Let me state clear as crystal-I HAVE NEVER POSTED ANYTHING BAD ABOUT MY HUSBAND! If you took it to mean something about him then SHAME ON YOU for jumping to conclusions. Last time I checked this was not counted as a form of exercise. Instead of getting support I was criticized and deleted from their "perfect butterflies and unicorn" world. Of course this actually hurt and I am kicking myself because I should not have let them get to me. I just thought that after being “part of the family” for over 30 years I actually meant something to them. I was stupid and SHAME ON ME!

Then it really came to a boiling point when Bill’s youngest sister blamed her life and the trials she had on me and had not even been able to go to work for a week because I was bashing the family and being so mean. WOW, I never knew I had that kind of superpower to totally wreck her life. Last time I looked I was not a part of her life except when she needed me to drive her to the hospital for a recent surgery. To say that I made her a total mess to where she could not work is just wrong and SHAME ON HER! I am NOT to blame for whatever issue she has going on in her life and world. So then Bill’s older sister began to tell him that I had no filter anymore and that I felt like I could say anything that I wanted to and had no one to answer to. Well, I am here to say YES she is absolutely right. I don’t have a filter and I can say what I like and no I have not nor will I ever answer to her for anything I say or do. She is not my judge. But, she had to keep going and told Bill that Heather would be so upset at to how I was acting. WHAT THE….. HOW THE HELL would you know? You didn’t know Heather at all. She was my biggest supporter and she would be right beside me saying “look at my momy go!” She would be proud of me and all that I have accomplished since her death. SHAME ON YOU for being my judge when you don’t even know who I am.

So where are we currently, Bill did not throw me away like his family expressed he do, instead we are together and happy and working towards what will hopefully be the best years of our lives. Bill is DONE with his family, finished and wants nothing more to do with them. If you can't have a relationship with my wife then you can't have one with him. Honestly, I have been done with them for many years. I foolishly thought over the summer that things had changed and we could be friends again and maybe even family one day. But judgment and the fact that they can’t deal with Heather’s death will always be between us.

I was still attempting to be FaceBook friends with two members of family and of course that blew up. She tried to tell me we are family and we will always be family and blah, blah, blah. I am here to tell you that yes there can come a point when sorry isn’t enough and blood doesn’t mean anything anymore. You can only treat people badly for so long and then they get to the point they just don’t give a damn anymore cuz my give a damn is busted. She went on to delete me and then the girls, so much for her words about we will always be family, or until you piss me off enough to delete you.

This is nothing new for me as I have no family, never have and never will except for my immediate family. I am good with that for now and I have the most amazing friends that are more family to me than anyone else could be. It also seems that for each member taken away I am given a replacement of higher value. I say SHAME ON YOU family for not being able to see us for the amazing family that we are. I just want to ask you that when you look at my life and how I am living just tell me this one thing….WHICH ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE DELETED? Which one would you like to never see, or hug or hear from again? Maybe the first one? The baby of the family? The only one you have? How would you survive? Before you judge me walk in my shoes for 10 steps and you will scream and run away.

I was chatting with another grieving mother and I have come to realize that we are a special group of women that the rest of the world will never understand. We do have friends that come along side and try the best they can to “climb the brick wall” and walk side by side with us with no judgment and criticism. As a grieving mother I struggle to get up and get dressed each day. I don’t need anyone in my life that wants me to change for them. I have to change for me because of me. I have the right to say what I want to and be who I am and be the best I can be. Maybe I have a rough patch now and then but I think I am allowed to have that without the worry of judgment or being deleted. SO to all those that have deleted me or made me feel I had to delete you, SHAME ON YOU for being so judgmental and I hope no one treats you the way you have treated me.