Closing Doors...

When is it time to let go? Everyone is different and the timing is very different for each person. Some mothers choose to keep their child’s room just like they left it, while others throw out the things right away. I chose to pack up Heather’s room and leave her things in boxes till a time that I could think clearly and make decisions that I would not regret later. Even after doing this I have one thing that I really regret. She had a bucket with her stained glass items in it and a project that she had been working on. I have no idea why I kept everything else but I pitched this. Maybe it was because I was so mad at her at that moment and it felt like the best way to get back at her.

Waiting for Jenn's birthday March, 1992

Over the years I have taken different times to go through different things that she left. I have no rhyme or reason as to when or why, the mood just hits sometimes and then I go look at some boxes. Sometimes I look, cry and place everything back and walk away for more months to pass. Other times I am able to make progress and throw some things away or give things to other people. Of course I have kept things that most would tell me to throw away, like her unopened contacts. She loved them so much and for now they stay in the box.

Handmade cards form Lauren and Julie for Heather's Birthday

For me this year seems to be weird already and I am not sure why. The last part of last year was filled with lots of changes and I think that after a big change I have a time where I feel numb and emotionless. The holidays came and went with not much fan fair as Bill and I spend Christmas Eve alone. That is very different from years past. It certainly is not what I had envisioned years ago when I dreamed about what the future would look like. Working was something very different for me as well and it kept me very busy during the holiday season and I had very little time to think about what time if year it was.

Since I am currently only seasonal at The Disney Store, hours right now have come to a halt and I have not been working for the last two weeks. This gives me too much time to think about wonder around the house. I am still waiting to hear if I am going to continue working at The Disney Store. This is slow torture and driving me insane as I have no idea what to do with myself right now. It also is the time of year when I am not sure where Harry is right now. I have learned that he has closed the store. I am sure he has stuck to his plan for vacation and is currently headed this way. This make me nervous and make me edgy and looking over my shoulder every time I leave the house.

Photos taken in 2005, Harry and Lola-now destroyed like it should be

This week I decided to remove Heather’s Caringbridge page. I had not been to it in almost a year and honestly doubt that anyone else does either. The page served it time and purpose for when I needed it but now it feels like it is just out there hanging around. I did have a book made for the site with all my entries, guest book and tributes. So I have a copy of the original events that happened in 2008-2009. I also feel that My Porcelain Doll needs to stand for the living tribute to Heather and tell her story that way. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be to actually hit the delete button. So close that door.

this is what you see when you go to the CaringBridge site now

I also went through her makeup and cleared everything out. There are a few things I kept but for the most part it is all gone. I threw away the mascara as it had dried out. I also threw away the lip gloss and lip stick. I know that they can have bacteria on them and I just decided it was time to throw away the 12 tubes of Clinique Raspberry Glaze. Most of her eye shadow was unused and I am giving most of it to Wendy and I kept a few. Honestly I don’t wear makeup a lot so it will last forever. She loved her Chanel makeup and the special designer items that were limited editions. I kept her Dior Love Letter blush for several years ago. She looked all over till she found it and then never used it. So I closed this door as well.

Heather's makeup-eye shadow on top and lips on the bottom

Sometime this year we will be redoing the carpeting in our master bedroom and in Heather’s room. I am trying to go through things so that I don’t have to move them twice. I have not taken down the red Christmas tree in my room yet that has most all of Heather’s ornaments on it. I will take some time soon to go through those buckets as well and trim down anything else I can.

I had a different blog written to update with and my computer died-literally died, dead. Of course I had not save the document I was working on and lost that too. My computer is not that old and something happened to the disk drive which is really weird. So I will rewrite that blog which is an update from last year to get everyone up to date on what has been going on. But this blog seemed to come first. Please bear with me as I may go back and forth but I will try to let you know when I go backwards.