Celebrations...

How do you celebrate anything? Where do you go? For our family it has been for the last decade to go to Disneyland. This had been our go to place for lots of many different things. None more special than Heather’s 21st birthday celebration with the whole family in December, 2008. I had no way of knowing that would be Heather’s last birthday and I might have changed a few things. I think we would have stayed in the Grand Californian hotel instead of the Disneyland Hotel and we would have done it all. Not that anything was missing from the trip, Heather wasn’t feeling terrific and Wendy was 8 months pregnant. It is a trip that I will remember for my lifetime.


We were on a trip to Disneyland with Jenn, Paz and Snooks when I received a phone call from my Sandy telling me that further testing revealed that a biopsy would be needed to rule out breast cancer. As I heard her say those words I felt once again my world begin to fall apart, Cancer has taken so much from me and now it might be taking my best friend in the whole world. I excused myself from the table at lunch and went to the bathroom and cried. I was in shock for the rest of the afternoon. Later that night when we returned to the hotel room I told Bill that one way or another I was bringing Sandy to Disneyland. I was bringing my best friend on a girls weekend either to celebrate life and no cancer or to push her in a wheelchair while she endured treatments. I told Sandy and she was blown away. We have never done anything like this but it seemed to be the perfect vacation for us to share.

matching perfume bottle painting

The biopsy was done and after an agonizing wait the results came back that there was no cancer. The dates were set for the end of May and all plans had been made. We arrived at the Orange County airport at about the same time. Sandy waited for me just outside the terminal and then we headed to the shuttle to the hotel. Once our things were dropped off we headed to Disneyland and our first stop was on Main Street to the Silhouette Shoppe. I have learned that this is the first place to stop if I want to get one of these. The lady was awesome and it looks just like us. So wonderful to have a cut-out with me and Sandy together. Next was to the castle to see our favorite spot.

our silhouette-Sandy in back, Sherry in front

My goal was to document our trip with selfies as kind of a different way to look at Disneyland. Many awesome photos were taken and it was a trip of amazing memories. Of course I took Sandy to the perfume shoppe. She was unaware of what my plans were here. I had her pick out her favorite fragrance and I picked mine and then I had her pick a design to be hand painted on the bottles. Pam, the artist, was not there and Mary would take them to Pam and then mail them to me once they were finished. Sandy was delighted. We had a special dinner at Steakhouse 55 at the Disneyland Hotel. The food and service is second to none in my books. It is very 1950’s style classic restaurant. We ended out meal with the special Mickey Mousse dessert.

in front of the Walt and Mickey statue

Steakhouse 55 Mickey Mousse

We shopped, rode rides, ate sugar cookies and had the best time ever. Beignets were for breakfast each day. Sandy loved Tower of Terror and Screaming California and the feel of the newly renovated California Adventure. The classic Small World, Peter Pan and Pirates were a must do in Disneyland. We also saw a bit of the parades and fireworks as well. Our last night there were ended up eating dinner at Naples Restaurant. I felt this was very fitting as we were eating in Naples when I got the call from Sandy and now here we were eating and enjoying life at the same place. I am hoping that Sandy and I can make a regular time to go back to Disneyland together. It is just amazing to spend time with your best friend at the Happiest Place on Earth.

we ended our trip with our favorite Mouses

Bill and I also went to Disneyland to celebrate our 31st anniversary. We have enjoyed going over this time because all the kids are back in school and the parks are not quite so crowded. The weather is just about perfect as well. The only downfall is that the parks don’t stay open as late but a small price to pay. This trip was documented in selfies as well. We rode the rides, ate beignets for breakfast, ate “Frozen” sugar cookies and went to our favorite spot at the castle.

Frozen sugar cookies-chocolate mouse?

CORNDOG!!!

Several amazing things happened on our trip, beginning with celebrating our anniversary  at Steakhouse 55 and of course the Mickey Mousse dessert. I also found a brand new Dior perfume that was an exclusive to Disneyland to have painted while we were there. I just love my bottles of perfume. We had our first ever corndog at Disneyland and boy was it delicious. Finally, I received a call from The Disney Store asking me for more information so I could move onto the next step of the hiring process. This seemed to be a sign since we were standing in line to have a picture taken with Mickey and Minnie.

Two long lasting couples

Steakhouse 55 Happy Anniversary Mousse

Of course the whole family will be heading to WDW and a Disney Cruise to celebrate Sunnie and Heather’s birthday and make some memories. Is Disney the only place to go for celebrations? No, but it means something very special and personal to me and this is how I find comfort and peace.

Closing Doors...

When is it time to let go? Everyone is different and the timing is very different for each person. Some mothers choose to keep their child’s room just like they left it, while others throw out the things right away. I chose to pack up Heather’s room and leave her things in boxes till a time that I could think clearly and make decisions that I would not regret later. Even after doing this I have one thing that I really regret. She had a bucket with her stained glass items in it and a project that she had been working on. I have no idea why I kept everything else but I pitched this. Maybe it was because I was so mad at her at that moment and it felt like the best way to get back at her.

Waiting for Jenn's birthday March, 1992

Over the years I have taken different times to go through different things that she left. I have no rhyme or reason as to when or why, the mood just hits sometimes and then I go look at some boxes. Sometimes I look, cry and place everything back and walk away for more months to pass. Other times I am able to make progress and throw some things away or give things to other people. Of course I have kept things that most would tell me to throw away, like her unopened contacts. She loved them so much and for now they stay in the box.

Handmade cards form Lauren and Julie for Heather's Birthday

For me this year seems to be weird already and I am not sure why. The last part of last year was filled with lots of changes and I think that after a big change I have a time where I feel numb and emotionless. The holidays came and went with not much fan fair as Bill and I spend Christmas Eve alone. That is very different from years past. It certainly is not what I had envisioned years ago when I dreamed about what the future would look like. Working was something very different for me as well and it kept me very busy during the holiday season and I had very little time to think about what time if year it was.

Since I am currently only seasonal at The Disney Store, hours right now have come to a halt and I have not been working for the last two weeks. This gives me too much time to think about wonder around the house. I am still waiting to hear if I am going to continue working at The Disney Store. This is slow torture and driving me insane as I have no idea what to do with myself right now. It also is the time of year when I am not sure where Harry is right now. I have learned that he has closed the store. I am sure he has stuck to his plan for vacation and is currently headed this way. This make me nervous and make me edgy and looking over my shoulder every time I leave the house.

Photos taken in 2005, Harry and Lola-now destroyed like it should be

This week I decided to remove Heather’s Caringbridge page. I had not been to it in almost a year and honestly doubt that anyone else does either. The page served it time and purpose for when I needed it but now it feels like it is just out there hanging around. I did have a book made for the site with all my entries, guest book and tributes. So I have a copy of the original events that happened in 2008-2009. I also feel that My Porcelain Doll needs to stand for the living tribute to Heather and tell her story that way. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be to actually hit the delete button. So close that door.

this is what you see when you go to the CaringBridge site now

I also went through her makeup and cleared everything out. There are a few things I kept but for the most part it is all gone. I threw away the mascara as it had dried out. I also threw away the lip gloss and lip stick. I know that they can have bacteria on them and I just decided it was time to throw away the 12 tubes of Clinique Raspberry Glaze. Most of her eye shadow was unused and I am giving most of it to Wendy and I kept a few. Honestly I don’t wear makeup a lot so it will last forever. She loved her Chanel makeup and the special designer items that were limited editions. I kept her Dior Love Letter blush for several years ago. She looked all over till she found it and then never used it. So I closed this door as well.

Heather's makeup-eye shadow on top and lips on the bottom

Sometime this year we will be redoing the carpeting in our master bedroom and in Heather’s room. I am trying to go through things so that I don’t have to move them twice. I have not taken down the red Christmas tree in my room yet that has most all of Heather’s ornaments on it. I will take some time soon to go through those buckets as well and trim down anything else I can.

I had a different blog written to update with and my computer died-literally died, dead. Of course I had not save the document I was working on and lost that too. My computer is not that old and something happened to the disk drive which is really weird. So I will rewrite that blog which is an update from last year to get everyone up to date on what has been going on. But this blog seemed to come first. Please bear with me as I may go back and forth but I will try to let you know when I go backwards.

Shame on you...

I have so many emotions and feelings that it is hard to describe exactly what has happened the past few months. Let me go back to August. I hosted Jenn's baby shower at my house and we had a few relatives come in from out of town. There was a big dinner over at Bill's sister house with some of the family. (Because of the house being small my girls and their families were not invited which hurt them) I had a strange feeling about going and felt that something wasn't right. So I stayed away that night. The next afternoon was the baby shower and when some relatives arrived I felt a "cold" shoulder from them. This was very odd and not like them at all. Shortly after the baby shower I found out just what was going on.

Bills brother in no words but in actions let it be known that if he was in Bill's shoes he would not be trying to work out a marriage of 30 years. It was my choice to make him leave and he would have left. Well, SHAME ON YOU! My bible says that marriage is for keeps and that we try to work our differences out. There were no other people involved it simply had to do with the fact that our marriage, family and household had been dealt many devastating blows and neither Bill nor I were the same person we had been before February, 2008. We needed time and space to think and become acquainted with the new people we have become. I just hope that this man's wife knows how he feels if she ever was to need some time and space. He would basically throw it all away. We did not need judgment, we needed love and understanding, not a firing squad. Throwing away a marriage is not what was intended but we had no support from family that we should continue. Bill did not share this with me till something even bigger happened a few days later.

I have always said if you don't like what I post or say on my FaceBook then delete me. However, I did not think this applied to my so called family. I was deleted by three members of Bill's family and of course I questioned why. So when Bill esquires he was told they didn't like me bashing my husband and talking about him badly. Let me state clear as crystal-I HAVE NEVER POSTED ANYTHING BAD ABOUT MY HUSBAND! If you took it to mean something about him then SHAME ON YOU for jumping to conclusions. Last time I checked this was not counted as a form of exercise. Instead of getting support I was criticized and deleted from their "perfect butterflies and unicorn" world. Of course this actually hurt and I am kicking myself because I should not have let them get to me. I just thought that after being “part of the family” for over 30 years I actually meant something to them. I was stupid and SHAME ON ME!

Then it really came to a boiling point when Bill’s youngest sister blamed her life and the trials she had on me and had not even been able to go to work for a week because I was bashing the family and being so mean. WOW, I never knew I had that kind of superpower to totally wreck her life. Last time I looked I was not a part of her life except when she needed me to drive her to the hospital for a recent surgery. To say that I made her a total mess to where she could not work is just wrong and SHAME ON HER! I am NOT to blame for whatever issue she has going on in her life and world. So then Bill’s older sister began to tell him that I had no filter anymore and that I felt like I could say anything that I wanted to and had no one to answer to. Well, I am here to say YES she is absolutely right. I don’t have a filter and I can say what I like and no I have not nor will I ever answer to her for anything I say or do. She is not my judge. But, she had to keep going and told Bill that Heather would be so upset at to how I was acting. WHAT THE….. HOW THE HELL would you know? You didn’t know Heather at all. She was my biggest supporter and she would be right beside me saying “look at my momy go!” She would be proud of me and all that I have accomplished since her death. SHAME ON YOU for being my judge when you don’t even know who I am.

So where are we currently, Bill did not throw me away like his family expressed he do, instead we are together and happy and working towards what will hopefully be the best years of our lives. Bill is DONE with his family, finished and wants nothing more to do with them. If you can't have a relationship with my wife then you can't have one with him. Honestly, I have been done with them for many years. I foolishly thought over the summer that things had changed and we could be friends again and maybe even family one day. But judgment and the fact that they can’t deal with Heather’s death will always be between us.

I was still attempting to be FaceBook friends with two members of family and of course that blew up. She tried to tell me we are family and we will always be family and blah, blah, blah. I am here to tell you that yes there can come a point when sorry isn’t enough and blood doesn’t mean anything anymore. You can only treat people badly for so long and then they get to the point they just don’t give a damn anymore cuz my give a damn is busted. She went on to delete me and then the girls, so much for her words about we will always be family, or until you piss me off enough to delete you.

This is nothing new for me as I have no family, never have and never will except for my immediate family. I am good with that for now and I have the most amazing friends that are more family to me than anyone else could be. It also seems that for each member taken away I am given a replacement of higher value. I say SHAME ON YOU family for not being able to see us for the amazing family that we are. I just want to ask you that when you look at my life and how I am living just tell me this one thing….WHICH ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE DELETED? Which one would you like to never see, or hug or hear from again? Maybe the first one? The baby of the family? The only one you have? How would you survive? Before you judge me walk in my shoes for 10 steps and you will scream and run away.

I was chatting with another grieving mother and I have come to realize that we are a special group of women that the rest of the world will never understand. We do have friends that come along side and try the best they can to “climb the brick wall” and walk side by side with us with no judgment and criticism. As a grieving mother I struggle to get up and get dressed each day. I don’t need anyone in my life that wants me to change for them. I have to change for me because of me. I have the right to say what I want to and be who I am and be the best I can be. Maybe I have a rough patch now and then but I think I am allowed to have that without the worry of judgment or being deleted. SO to all those that have deleted me or made me feel I had to delete you, SHAME ON YOU for being so judgmental and I hope no one treats you the way you have treated me.