Inanimate Objects...

Having a child die is not a one-time event or a happening. When a child dies it is a total change in life. Everything that was “normal” is no longer that way. An ordinary trip to the grocery store can trigger so many emotions, everything from seeing her favorite foods to hearing conversations between other parents and children. When a child dies the loss is physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. I am always wondering who I am not that my Heather is not here anymore. Grieving mothers stop and shut down to a certain extend because we do not know how to function in a “normal” world anymore. When we do reenter life it is never the same as before our child died. That part of my life has been ripped away from my world forever. Having a child die is the hardest, most painful life change event I will ever experience.

I do not see, hear or process things that way “normal” people do anymore. I see, hear and process in terms of Heather not being here in everything I do. This is not something that I have to think about, it just happens naturally. I plan events or trips based on what time of the year it is happening. I already know and plan for certain times of the year to be very emotional and depressing times for me. No I do not plan this time it hits me without me knowing it. I wake up one morning and depression is there and then I wake up after the date has passed and depression just disappeared. This part I have no control over.

Inanimate:

a :not endowed with life or spirit 

 ~an inanimate object.

I completely understand the definition of an inanimate object, but being a mom I learned that definition does not apply to everything. How many of us had favorite stuffies as a child that still brings a fondness to our hearts at the mention of it? I learned the hard way that stuffed animals are very real to an 18 month old little girl that cannot seem to keep her favorite Mr. Frizzy bear in the stroller. Suddenly Mr. Frizzy bear was the most important thing in the world and he had to be found or replaced as soon as possible. I know that all of my girls had something that they felt was real every though it was not.  Heather loved Edison Bear to the point of giving him a huge personality. I still to this day cannot hear the song “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problem” by Kenny Chesney without seeing Edison, with Heather’s help, swooping his head back and forth to the song.

I know that my Heather diamond is an inanimate object but for some reason I cannot call it an “IT.” I picked up my ring today from Farrar Jewelers and the ring looks beyond amazing. I was very relieved to get my diamond back in my possession. While I trust Rod completely, it is a point of some anxiety to have the diamond out of my control. I think that the 12 sapphires and the 8 diamonds really give a stunning crown look for my diamond. Funny but I realized today that the red diamond makes the 21^st diamond for the setting. How ironic. As I posted photos on FaceBook and people began to respond I found myself unable to say “I love IT.” I had to say I love having “HER” back. I feel like my diamond is so incredibly unique and special it cannot be called an “IT.”

Here she is--stunning

I know I am constantly saying I will never “get over it.” I am not sure if people even realize the words they are using and how they actually sound being spoken out loud. To say the words to a grieving mothers makes us feel like there is something wrong with us. We question if we are normal, are we okay and am I really doing that badly? When someone tells me to get over it or asks me am I over it yet they set me up to fail. They make me doubt that I am making progress which adds fear that maybe I am failing.

I began going through Heather’s things again for my once a year “let’s see if I can get rid of anything this year” event. I have kept things that most people would find very odd. I looked at her three wigs that she wore during her chemo. I cannot let go of these wigs. She had a long dark wig that looked like her real hair, a long blond curly one that she bought for her birthday and then a shorter “Carol Brady” sort of cut one. (The short pixie one was cremated with her) I smelled them to see if her scent was still on them, of course after nearly 5 years they smelled like the box they were in. I looked at them, placed them back in the silk bag and back into the box. Something so personal to Heather I cannot get rid of. I am making slow process as I get rid of a few things each time I sort through her things.

One of the first Minnie Mouse's ever drawn

Mostly these thing remind me that she really did live on this planet. I have days where it seems like Heather never existed, she never lived and was never a part of me. She seems so distant and I have not heard her voice in 58 months, 1,767 days, 42,408 hours or 2,544,480 minutes. I look at photos some days and she seems like she is just gone to school, and other times I see photos and it just isn’t her.

Confessions Of a Grieving Mother book is coming along very well. It has been edited to chapter 31 and all photos have been placed with captions up to that chapter. I have a total of 152 photos that will be going into this book. When I began to place photos I realized that during the first year we did not take many photos of anything. The shock and numbness was too overwhelming to think about anything other than getting up, getting dressed and remembering to breathe, doing anything else was just too hard to think about doing.

The back cover wording of the new book

Walking with me and following my blog is not easy. I thank each and every one of you that reads and follows my journey. I never thought that people would really read let alone be interested in following my simple ramblings. I just write my true feelings and try to describe this journey the best way I can.

I miss you a little since you've been gone
A few little memories keep hangin' on
I miss you a little, I guess you could say
A little too much, a little too often
A little more every day...

~John Michael Montgomery~