Why My Daughter?...

You don’t get over IT, you get through IT…

You don't get by IT, because you can't get around IT.

IT doesn’t get better, IT gets different…

Every day, Just like me,

Grief puts on a new face…

~Wendy Feireisen~

What can I say, life is not fair. I have known that for a very long time, but it still hits me in the face sometimes. When Heather was diagnosed with cancer we asked all our friends and followers of the CaringBridge to pray that Heather would breeze thru treatments and go into remission quickly. Our prayers seemed to be answered quickly in that while the cancer was aggressive, stage 4, it was not as bad as her doctor thought it to be. For some strange reason her body was actually still producing bone marrow, which is unheard of. This was a true gift from God and answered prayers. We did not go thru treatments without our share of issues and problems, but they seemed minor, except for the blood clot to her brain. She had no infections or other hospital stays besides the normal ones for chemo. I believe this to be because of all the prayer warriors we had during this time all over the world.

When Heather went into the hospital for the last time, we again asked for prayer and miracles. We begged, and pleaded with God for fast quick healing and that Heather would be cured and back to herself. That didn’t happen. She kept getting worse and worse till she died. So why didn’t God heal her? Why my daughter? Why did God decided not to heal Heather and allow other people to live? I honestly don’t have an answer for this one other than it was God’s plan. I don’t understand it and I certainly don’t like it at all. My faith allows me to understand God’s will and plan is not mine. I also understand that Heather is in a better place, healed and with her Maker and I need to let go. But don’t ever tell me that. I don’t want to hear it. PERIOD!!...It doesn’t help me. Also saying that God needed another angel is a statement that might get you slapped. I still stand by Nicole Kidman’s statement in Rabbit Hole, “Why didn’t He make another one? He is God after all!”

Grief is NOT a disorder,

A disease or sign of weakness.

It is an emotional, physical and spiritual NECESSITY,

the price you pay for LOVE.

The only cure for GRIEF is to GRIEVE.

~Earl Grollman~

So what am I bothered by, a friend posted that a young man needed prayer, he was in extremely critical condition in ICU, possibly not going to make it. This friend posted again and said that in 48 hours God had been bombarded with prayers and must be sick of it because this young man has made a remarkable turnaround. This just hit me the wrong way. I know nothing was meant by it, but it made me feel that my prayers and prayers of my friends were not heard. Did God turn a deaf ear to our prayers? If someone recovers are they closer to God? I know, I know, I know, none of this is true. I am happy for this young man’s family. I truly am.

It really isn’t any different for me when I hear someone survives cancer. Again, I AM THRILLED…BUT…I wanted Heather to be a success story. I wanted Heather to survive. She breezed through chemo with no problems, how could this happen. Why did God allow her to go through all her treatments just to have her die in the end? Why did my child suffer so much? Here it is four years and I still have the same questions as I did when she first died. I want to know why! I want to know why my daughter! Again, do not tell me God has a plan…I KNOW all that and it doesn’t make it one bit easier.

 Sunday May 5th 2013 is International Bereaved Mother’s Day. It is held every year the Sunday before Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day (and Father’s Day) is a huge slap and reminder that the child you carried is not here anymore. It was created by women that had a baby die before they were able to hold them alive in their arms. We seem to forget the pain of women who cannot get pregnant, or carry a baby to full term. No, I was fortunate in the fact that all my pregnancy’s had healthy babies. But Mother’s Day on May 12, 2013 is the reminder of the missing card, the missing gift and missing child. I do remember that I have two alive, happy, healthy daughters and a granddaughter. But like the Good Shepherd, 99 sheep were safe but he went after to one that was lost. I am thankful for my three girls and my new boys. I have more than abundant love in my life. But I still want the one I can’t have.

God put me on this earth to be a Mother,

I just wish it wasn't to be a Grieving Mother.

~B.J.Karrer~