When I Saw You Leaving...

Every day I watched her before my eyes get weaker and weaker. It seemed like every day more and more lymph nodes on her neck popped up. I watched my daughter getting worse every day and I was helpless. I was at the mercy of doctors, tests and insurance procedure. By the time we got to the point of having the needle biopsy I had many people telling me they would pray it was nothing. I begged them not to pray that way. This HAD to be something and if the needle biopsy came back negative I had no earthy idea where to go or what to do. As much as I asked that people pray we would have answers to the questions, I really was not prepared for the answer I would be given. Deep down I knew something was wrong but it was easier to get busy and just keep moving forward toward diagnosis than it was to sit and think about it and all that cancer would mean. On Thursday, April 10, I heard words that changed my life, world and future forever. It is something you can tell yourself is not happening till you hear the words from the doctor himself.

Ain’t it funny how, in a minute, your whole life’s looking fine
And a short few words later it all just comes untied?
You can’t believe you’re looking at what was always someone else
Now it’s staring right there at you, yesterday you couldn’t tell
So shock and dissolution, helpless and confused
Not knowing how and what to say, not accepting that it’s true.
You can’t help but see the worst to come a thousand different ways
The same time trying to hold on to strong in optimistic games…

During the first doctor appointment I was tested and pushed to the very limit of what I was physically able to process and still be standing. I can remember seeing Dr. Fastenberg’s mouth moving and hearing his words but I wasn’t getting it. My ears were ringing and I felt like I had tunnel vision. All I knew for sure is that the “adult” sitting next to me (Heather) was sobbing and not hearing a word. She had checked out. I had to keep myself in the here and now and try to comprehend the words Dr. F was throwing at me at a rapid pace. All I can remember is “this is life-threatening, very serious, in hospital chemo, blood transfusions, rounds of something, possible bone marrow transplant and we need to get started TODAY-not tomorrow!”

When I saw you leaving, when I saw you leaving
When I saw you leaving in my mind…

I kept it together with Heather, just like to the very end she never saw me scared or heard me cry. I was strong for her and had to be the mom, the adult and the one she would lean on during this horrible time in which her world had just stopped spinning.  As I made it to the counter to pay my bill I told Heather to go into the waiting room with Shyla. As I watched Heather, thru the window in the door, walk towards her friend, there were no words, just tears and hugs. As we finally made our way to the parking lot, I felt like I could no longer breathe. I asked the girls to go by the car and wait for me as I went to side of the building and lost it. I fell to the ground and had my arms up. I still could not get any air into my lungs. I couldn’t see, feel or breathe. For about 2 minutes I allowed myself to fall apart. Then I collected myself and drove the girls home to get ready for the next stage of my life.

And the angry starts to surface, looking up, asking why
And you realize he probably wants the best, the same as I
Days just go by quickly, nights just never end
As time gets so more precious, every sunrise an old friend
Trying to be a post to lean on, a part you learn is hard to play
Asking God to let you take her place or just take it all away.
Hope you’ll wake up in the morning, was all just been a dream
You never take for granted every second that you breathe...

My memories are mixed at this time of year between leading up to the cancer diagnosis and the events of the last 6 weeks of Heather’s life. My thoughts at times are so focused on the cancer diagnosis that the ICU days seem to fade for a few moments. That doesn’t last long and all the events leading up to the last hospital stay come flooding back and consuming me right now. Imaging the worst thing that has ever happened to you, do you think about it? Do you remember every detail like it was yesterday? If you haven’t had an event like this count yourself very lucky and I hope and pray it stays that way for you. The events from March 2008 till April 2009 haunt my thoughts with very accurate detail. I thought maybe 4-5 years would make some of the images go away, but no, just as clear as the day they happened. I have heard from other grieving parents that these details stay clear and with you forever. Of course my photographic memory really is a curse at this point and not a help.

And the seconds turn to minutes
And minutes wouldn’t last
And the hours, days and weeks and months
Seem endless and too fast
And the lessons just pour from Heaven
Like the rain on that first spring
Since that moment I first saw you
You might not always be with me…

In times when you don’t know what to say, DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL!!! I am still amazed at some of the stupid things that get said to me. Most common stupid things to say:

She is in a better place!!

She isn’t hurting anymore!!

Well you had her for 21 years!!

She is in heaven with her King!!

I actually know all those things and they do not add a bit of comfort. If you have said these things in the past please learn and don’t say them in the future. In recent days I have had my losing a child compared to having a bad job or kids that don’t mind. WOW!! I really wish this was as simple as a bad job. I could go find a new one and have some happiness and relief. I can’t get another daughter. Humans are not replaceable. People often wonder if I go to church. The answer is no I do not. I do not wish to face well-meaning people with their stupid sayings. I am sorry. Trying to find a new church just has no appeal to me at all. If I do decide to go to church I want to sneak in, sit on the back row and then disappear before anyone can talk to me. For the most part in this journey I have found that Christians, especially the Baptist ones, are quite fake in their sympathy and I just can’t deal with their “perfect life in Christ” attitude. Sorry if this offends anyone but take a look at how you treat people who have lost someone. Most all our “friends” that are Christians have nothing to do with us now. Nice way to show God’s love. My biggest support has come from “other” religions and people.

Me and God have a very different relationship now. It is the strongest it has ever been and I have no doubt that Heather is in heaven and I will be reunited with her one day. BUT…I prayed, I trusted with all my heart, soul, mind and body that God would heal Heather on Easter 2009. Of course that didn’t happen. As a matter of fact she collapsed a lung and we spent the holiday not knowing if she would survive. But for me, I kept telling everyone wait till Sunday. Easter is coming. My thoughts now are, God I trusted You to take care of this and heal Heather the way I wanted. (key word being what I wanted) But if God, in my eyes failed me with that, why should I trust Him again? Remember even Jesus on the cross asked why has thou forsaken me? He felt God had left Him. If it is an acceptable feeling for Jesus, I think I am allowed to feel this way too. Ask any grieving parent that believes in God and they will tell you almost the same thing.

Ain’t it funny how, in a minute, your whole life’s looking fine
And a short few words later it all just comes untied?...

~When I Saw You Leaving~Alan Jackson-

Songwriter and country artist Alan Jackson wrote these heartfelt and difficult words to describe how he felt when he heard the new that his wife for more than 30 years, Denise, had cancer. He says to date this is one of the most difficult songs he has ever written.