Confessions of a Grieving Mother: For My Broken Heart...

Clock still tickin’, life goes on, radio still plays a song

As I try to put my scattered thoughts in place

And it takes all the strength I’ve got to stumble to the coffee pot

The first of many lonely mornings I’ve had to face…

The world didn’t stop; the earth didn’t stop spinning on its axis and crash into the sun. Nor did people stop working, playing or going about their normal everyday lives. People got married and babies were born. Birthday parties were given as well as holidays come and go. The sun still rises every morning and sets every evening. The stars come out, rain falls and the wind blows. Everything in nature is still moving forward.

BUT…for me my world is off its axis wobbling around as I try to keep my feet balanced on this world I now walk on. I feel that any minute I could go tumbling down the rabbit hole like Alice into an unknown and very strange world. But mine is not wonderland. It is minutes, hours, days, weeks and months filled with an extreme roller coaster of ups and downs.

2011-2 year rememberance

There are times, and dates that come around that just are what they are. They are not good days and not bad days, just blah days. These days would be like Sundays and Mondays. Sunday was the day we were told there was no hope and Monday was the day Heather died. Then there are days that are just bad sucky days. These days are April 10 cancer diagnosis, November 8 which is the ball, and many other dates that mark significant things that happened. Sometimes it is just a season such as October to December it seems and March thru the end of April. This time is up and down and my body and heart know more than my mind does. I just feel down and have no real good reason as to why other than my daughter died and that is the end of it. Finally there are the really bad/good/sad/happy/horrible/awful days like December 10 her birthday and April 20 her death day. These days and the days around them are indescribable.

2011-2 year rememberance nighttime

I can’t change anything about the moods or tears that come any day or any time. I cannot predict what will or won’t set me off. It has no rhyme or reason or understanding. I can be having the best day ever and suddenly I am overcome with a black cloud that I cannot shake. It creeps up my back and I can feel it coming on the back of my neck. The dark cloud covers and suffocates me to the point I feel like I can’t breathe. This happens less than it did at first but the feeling comes and I am helpless to do anything about it except cry and cry and cry. Once I begin crying I cannot stop. This is crying like I have never experienced before. It is a cry that I cannot utter a word if someone speaks to me. I have been known to burst out into tears in the car so hard that I nearly have to pull over.

2011-lighted balloons that we released

As time goes by, things change and I see things differently. People around me are tired after 3 ½ years of listening to me say the same things and the same stories. Some may call it dwelling. I call it I have to talk about the traumatic event that happened in my life to help me heal. Marking birthdays and death anniversaries is becoming difficult to want to be around people. Heather’s birthday the past 2 years has been marked with a birthday blood drive. I am saddened to announce that this will for now no longer be taken place. I still believe that blood and blood donations are vital to cancer patients, I just don’t have the heart’s desire to drive this event any more. This is not to say that several years I may begin again. But for now, it has been canceled. Bill and I will be going away to Disneyland during that time. Back to celebrate Heather’s birthday the way we did her last year, at Disneyland. I have no idea how I will feel to be there on that day at that place. But I am going to find out. Also April 20 will be spent at Disneyland as well. For some reason right now, this feels right for me to do. So understand or don’t I have to follow my heart. I want these days to be focused on Heather and her life and her death. I plan to buy a Disney balloon and release it to heaven on Dec 10 and April 20. When I return home the luminaries will be put out and possibly more balloons will be sent off to heaven.

2012-3 year rememberance

Where once we counted birthdays to mark her time here on earth, we now start over and mark her death days to mark her time not here anymore. Both days are just as important.

Sally Angel that I made in 2009 has taken quite the weather beating being out from before Thanksgiving to April 21. The rain and extreme sun has chipped her paint and made her quite shabby looking. This weekend the refurbishing of Sally Angel began. She has been scraped and sanded, puttied and sanded again. I have the new paint and am ready to get started on putting her character back into this piece of wood. Most look at her as a cutout of plywood and some lights. To me she is much more. She is a symbol of Heather. Everything about Sally from her curly blond hair to her pink dress, her pale skin and her sweet tender giving heart is Heather. It makes my heart feel better to see Sally Angel on the mound above her blue light cloud. I hope that Sally Angel can last a few more years before I have to create a new one altogether.

The day after-empty 2012

The world didn’t stop, babies keep being born, wedding are taking place. Teens still get their license, graduate and move on to college. Heather’s friends are moving on, getting married and having babies. While this is the normal and natural order of life it still hurts to see what I will never get to experience with Heather. It really hit me when my BFF Sandy sent me a text announcing that her daughter found out the baby is going to be a boy. It hit me that I will never send her back a text that says Heather is having a… It may sound simple that well duh, we all know that fact. While you know it, but I live it. My future with Heather is gone. No wedding, no babies no happily ever after here on earth. It is tough to realize the world is moving forward while I feel like I am stuck in neutral spinning my wheels trying to move forward.