BLOWN AWAY....

There’s not enough rain in Oklahoma
To wash the sins out of that house
There’s not enough wind in Oklahoma
To rip the nails out of the past

Shatter every window till it’s all blown away,
Every brick, every board, every slamming door flown away
Till there’s nothing left standing,
Nothing left to yesterday
Every tear-soaked whiskey memory blown away,
Blown away

~Blown Away-Carrie Underwood~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJgoHgpsb9I

I have been hearing this song on the radio and I could not figure out why it spoke to me. I listened to the words and it made no sense. I could not put a connection between Heather and this song like what usually happens. Then it dawned on me on August 1st…August 1^st..exactly one month till my birthday and I knew deep in my gut what this song was about to me.

I called Harry for the very 1^st time on my 39^th birthday. That was the day I spoke to my birth father for the very first time. I thought that maybe this was the beginning of a father/daughter relationship that would bring some understanding to my life. Why am I that way I am? Why do I do thing the way I do..etc. It is very difficult to explain to look at family photos and never see yourself in your parents. You don’t look like anyone. When you look in the mirror you see you, no mother, father or siblings looking back.

My adopted parents were only children, so I had no aunts, uncles or cousins. I had no brothers or sisters. Everyone who knew me as a child is dead or just were not a part of my life. I have no one to ask when I walked or what I did on vacations. What about the cars we owned. I have no details about my childhood except for the memories I think I have in my head. The only person I have known for a long time is my BFF Sandy. We met at the end of 1^st grade when I was allowed to attend JoBeth’s class for the last week of school. We have been friends for 41 years. She is the only one living on the planet that knew me as a child. But she was a child herself and lived so far from my house that she doesn’t have details like family would have. I have no one that knows me, knows my past, or knows anything that happened to me growing up. It is a very lonely feeling.

I went to visit Harry for the first time on my 40^th birthday. This was the day I made the first trip to Iowa to visit Harry. I thought that maybe this was the beginning of a loving relationship that I could cherish for as long as I was able to enjoy this relationship. It was a few days of receiving a birthday card every day,  having Harry buy me lots of things at Knotts Camp Snoopy, and giving me a large Kohl’s gift card to spend. He took great pride in “showing” me off to everyone. Like a proud father or so I thought. In my mind this was one of the best birthdays ever to be with my actual birth parent and to feel special. In Harry’s mind this was the first time he saw me get into his car in a denim short skirt and he decided he wanted to have sex with me. Not exactly the same feelings and emotions for the day.

This song is speaking about ripped down a house filled with sin. Ripping it down to the very foundation it stands on. It is symbolic to me because Harry is a very sick sick sexual pervert that has victimized women his whole life. While it is not my place to pass judgment on him for his life, I really would like some kind of justice to come to a man who has no conscience about having sex with his own flesh and blood. There are not enough words to begin to describe how sick he is and how much he hurt me. I try not to let him creep into my mind, but especially on a birthday you would like to feel that one of your birth parents would be glad you were born.

My birthdays have never been much of anything special. Jo Beth told me when I was 5 years old that I was too old to have birthday parties anymore. For my Sweet 16 birthday Norma just flat out did not even acknowledge it was my birthday or any other day different or special. My daddy, Jim, had to sneak me a card with $60 in it. The same continued for my 17^th and 18^th birthdays. I did have quite the party for my 18^th birthday-it was my bridal shower. That was held on my 18^th birthday.

This is not to say that every single one of my birthdays has been horrible. I have had some wonderful birthdays with my family and special days with friends. I have had many memorable birthdays throughout the years. The ones I have spent with MY family have been the best ones ever.

In the short 7 months since all this has happened I feel I have moved on pretty well. This is not to say that I am still not victimized by what he did to me. Because I am.! I try not to dwell on it. However, Bill is not able to sneak up on me, he is not able to wake me in the morning from my side of the bed, he doesn’t wake me to kiss me good bye for fear I will think it is Harry coming at me again. I appreciate his tenderness towards me. I still have issues with noises in the house that wake me when I am alone and sleeping. I also have begun to panic a bit when I think that in January he will be traveling to California to visit Lola’s sister. For about 3 weeks I will have no idea where he actually is. This scares me a bit because I just don’t know what he is thinking or capable of doing.

I have gotten rid of everything I can that he has given to me and to Heather. One thing that I trouble with is a pair of earrings he bought for Heather. I had bought Heather the choker blue topaz necklace for her ball. When Harry came for the ball and he wanted to get her something special . I went to Helzberg Jewelers to show him a pair of earrings that sort of matched her necklace. He bought them. On our cruise I am wearing the choker necklace I gave Heather with my navy dress. I just could not bring myself to wear those earrings. I know they were Heather’s and she loved them. She wore them the night of her ball. I just cannot get over the fact that Harry bought them. I cannot wear them. I love them because Heather did but I hate them for the man who bought them. I want them but then I want to throw them away at the same time.

I have been looking in jewelry stores for months trying to find some new real blue topaz earrings in white gold. But I have found nothing, nothing that would begin to match her necklace. Then today, I found a find. I found the earrings that should have been with this necklace. They are the PERFECT match. So I bought them. I feel very good about these earrings. Now what should I do with the other earrings. Well… I have two earrings and I have two daughters. I decided to take each earring and have it placed in a ring setting special for Jenn and Wendy and give them a ring that has the stone in them. The earrings are special to them because they belonged to Heather. It is also her birth stone. I think this is a win win situation for me and those earrings.

Blown Away the song by Carrie Underwood talks about a house filled with sin in which there is no wind or rain to wash or rip the sin out of the house. The memories of what happened will always be there. Harry has never been faithful to any woman. He has so many woman he has messed with I am not sure he even knows how many. His “house” has so much sin that a twister could not tear it out and blow it away. Harry also was a huge alcoholic. Kind of goes with the pattern of being a womanizing prick. I am sorry and ashamed that I ever allowed this evil man to be a part of my life and especially my family. He never deserved to meet us or be part of our family.

I am sorry I keep saying I am not going to write about him again. I try, but I feel that the trauma he caused me is not going to go away in 7 months. It may never go completely away. He did not actually physically rape me, but he raped me mentally and I think that is worse. I still have a difficult time with older men talking to me and trying to be friendly. Part of the reason why I have invested in a personal protection piece that I will be soon carrying with me at all times. I am going to learn how to be very good at using it. I will not be victimized again. I was molested as a child by a man for 2 years, and then I was raped when I was 9 and victimized again in January. He is no different than the other two men that abused me. I think this is why this time it is affecting me so much is because it has opened old wounds and I actually fought for myself and kicked him out of my life and tried to press charges. Something I was not able to do with the 2 other men. Again Thank you for listening to me…