There’s not enough rain in Oklahoma
To wash the sins out of that house
There’s not enough wind in Oklahoma
To rip the nails out of the past
To wash the sins out of that house
There’s not enough wind in Oklahoma
To rip the nails out of the past
Shatter every window till it’s all blown away,
Every brick, every board, every slamming door flown away
Till there’s nothing left standing,
Nothing left to yesterday
Every tear-soaked whiskey memory blown away,
Blown away
Every brick, every board, every slamming door flown away
Till there’s nothing left standing,
Nothing left to yesterday
Every tear-soaked whiskey memory blown away,
Blown away
~Blown Away-Carrie Underwood~
I have been hearing this song on the radio and I could not
figure out why it spoke to me. I listened to the words and it made no sense. I
could not put a connection between Heather and this song like what usually
happens. Then it dawned on me on August 1st…August 1st..exactly one
month till my birthday and I knew deep in my gut what this song was about to
me.
I called Harry for the very 1st time on my 39th
birthday. That was the day I spoke to my birth father for the very first time. I
thought that maybe this was the beginning of a father/daughter relationship
that would bring some understanding to my life. Why am I that way I am? Why do
I do thing the way I do..etc. It is very difficult to explain to look at family
photos and never see yourself in your parents. You don’t look like anyone. When
you look in the mirror you see you, no mother, father or siblings looking back.
My adopted parents were only children, so I had no aunts,
uncles or cousins. I had no brothers or sisters. Everyone who knew me as a
child is dead or just were not a part of my life. I have no one to ask when I
walked or what I did on vacations. What about the cars we owned. I have no
details about my childhood except for the memories I think I have in my head.
The only person I have known for a long time is my BFF Sandy. We met at the end
of 1st grade when I was allowed to attend JoBeth’s class for the
last week of school. We have been friends for 41 years. She is the only one
living on the planet that knew me as a child. But she was a child herself and
lived so far from my house that she doesn’t have details like family would
have. I have no one that knows me, knows my past, or knows anything that
happened to me growing up. It is a very lonely feeling.
I went to visit Harry for the first time on my 40th
birthday. This was the day I made the first trip to Iowa to visit Harry. I
thought that maybe this was the beginning of a loving relationship that I could
cherish for as long as I was able to enjoy this relationship. It was a few days
of receiving a birthday card every day,
having Harry buy me lots of things at Knotts Camp Snoopy, and giving me
a large Kohl’s gift card to spend. He took great pride in “showing” me off to
everyone. Like a proud father or so I thought. In my mind this was one of the
best birthdays ever to be with my actual birth parent and to feel special. In
Harry’s mind this was the first time he saw me get into his car in a denim
short skirt and he decided he wanted to have sex with me. Not exactly the same
feelings and emotions for the day.
This song is speaking about ripped down a house filled with
sin. Ripping it down to the very foundation it stands on. It is symbolic to me
because Harry is a very sick sick sexual pervert that has victimized women his
whole life. While it is not my place to pass judgment on him for his life, I
really would like some kind of justice to come to a man who has no conscience
about having sex with his own flesh and blood. There are not enough words to
begin to describe how sick he is and how much he hurt me. I try not to let him
creep into my mind, but especially on a birthday you would like to feel that
one of your birth parents would be glad you were born.
My birthdays have never been much of anything special. Jo
Beth told me when I was 5 years old that I was too old to have birthday parties
anymore. For my Sweet 16 birthday Norma just flat out did not even acknowledge
it was my birthday or any other day different or special. My daddy, Jim, had to
sneak me a card with $60 in it. The same continued for my 17th and
18th birthdays. I did have quite the party for my 18th
birthday-it was my bridal shower. That was held on my 18th birthday.
This is not to say that every single one of my birthdays has
been horrible. I have had some wonderful birthdays with my family and special
days with friends. I have had many memorable birthdays throughout the years.
The ones I have spent with MY family have been the best ones ever.
In the short 7 months since all this has happened I feel I
have moved on pretty well. This is not to say that I am still not victimized by
what he did to me. Because I am.! I try not to dwell on it. However, Bill is
not able to sneak up on me, he is not able to wake me in the morning from my
side of the bed, he doesn’t wake me to kiss me good bye for fear I will think
it is Harry coming at me again. I appreciate his tenderness towards me. I still
have issues with noises in the house that wake me when I am alone and sleeping.
I also have begun to panic a bit when I think that in January he will be
traveling to California to visit Lola’s sister. For about 3 weeks I will have
no idea where he actually is. This scares me a bit because I just don’t know
what he is thinking or capable of doing.
I have gotten rid of everything I can that he has given to me
and to Heather. One thing that I trouble with is a pair of earrings he bought
for Heather. I had bought Heather the choker blue topaz necklace for her ball.
When Harry came for the ball and he wanted to get her something special . I
went to Helzberg Jewelers to show him a pair of earrings that sort of matched
her necklace. He bought them. On our cruise I am wearing the choker necklace I
gave Heather with my navy dress. I just could not bring myself to wear those
earrings. I know they were Heather’s and she loved them. She wore them the
night of her ball. I just cannot get over the fact that Harry bought them. I
cannot wear them. I love them because Heather did but I hate them for the man
who bought them. I want them but then I want to throw them away at the same
time.
.JPG)
I have been looking in jewelry stores for months trying to
find some new real blue topaz earrings in white gold. But I have found nothing,
nothing that would begin to match her necklace. Then today, I found a find. I
found the earrings that should have been with this necklace. They are the
PERFECT match. So I bought them. I feel very good about these earrings. Now
what should I do with the other earrings. Well… I have two earrings and I have
two daughters. I decided to take each earring and have it placed in a ring
setting special for Jenn and Wendy and give them a ring that has the stone in
them. The earrings are special to them because they belonged to Heather. It is
also her birth stone. I think this is a win win situation for me and those
earrings.
.JPG)
Blown Away the song by Carrie Underwood talks about a house
filled with sin in which there is no wind or rain to wash or rip the sin out of
the house. The memories of what happened will always be there. Harry has never
been faithful to any woman. He has so many woman he has messed with I am not
sure he even knows how many. His “house” has so much sin that a twister could
not tear it out and blow it away. Harry also was a huge alcoholic. Kind of goes
with the pattern of being a womanizing prick. I am sorry and ashamed that I
ever allowed this evil man to be a part of my life and especially my family. He
never deserved to meet us or be part of our family.
I am sorry I keep saying I am not going to write about him
again. I try, but I feel that the trauma he caused me is not going to go away
in 7 months. It may never go completely away. He did not actually physically rape
me, but he raped me mentally and I think that is worse. I still have a
difficult time with older men talking to me and trying to be friendly. Part of
the reason why I have invested in a personal protection piece that I will be
soon carrying with me at all times. I am going to learn how to be very good at
using it. I will not be victimized again. I was molested as a child by a man
for 2 years, and then I was raped when I was 9 and victimized again in January.
He is no different than the other two men that abused me. I think this is why
this time it is affecting me so much is because it has opened old wounds and I
actually fought for myself and kicked him out of my life and tried to press
charges. Something I was not able to do with the 2 other men. Again Thank you
for listening to me…
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
