The Cord...

The Cord

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

Changed for the month of June

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

Clear butterfly is a solar light-new butterfly wind chime..

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away! 

~ Author unknown ~

Turn up the volume-wind chimes and birds

Memorial Day...

Becca: Do you think they are real?

Jason: Parallel universes?…..I think its basic science.

If space is infinite then anything is possible!!

Becca: So, somewhere out there I am what just making pancakes?

Or I am at a water park?

Jason: Yeah sure, both whatever…

There are tons of you’s out there and tons of me’s out there…

Becca: And so this is just the sad version of us...

Jason: Yeah I guess

Becca: But there are other versions and in those versions

everything goes our way?

Jason: Assuming you believe in science

Becca: I like that thought, it’s nice,

Somewhere out there I’m having a good time…

~Rabbit Hole~

The quote above is from the movie Rabbit Hole. I love and hate this movie. It is such a good look at how things feels and look after your child dies. I know not everyone can watch this movie, but there isn’t a huge portion dwelling on the actual death but more showing how you try to live again. I still believe that everyone should watch this movie. I love the statement “somewhere out there I’m having a good time…” I would love to think that somewhere in another world or time I am happy and all is right with the world. It is nice to dream or imagine a place like that. Where Heather is alive and living her life, married and cancer-free.

The Window..this does not capture its beauty

This past week many schools have ended for the year and most high schools have had their graduation ceremonies. I don’t think back to Heather’s graduation as much as I think back to when she had cancer. We were in La Banner Spa for our week long treatment and it was pouring rain which so rarely happens here. Our neighbor had been kind enough to keep her eye on the mail and get the packages delivered to her house for us. Karen came running up, wet and in a hurry as her son was graduating that evening from Red Mountain. I remember thinking how sad that all the people had come into town to see the graduations and because of the rain they would be moving inside which meant only 2 people per family could attend. I remember standing at Heather’s room window and looking out at the dark clouds and all the heavy rain thinking how sad for all those families and graduates that had worked so hard. Funny at that moment I wasn’t thinking poor me at having to be in the hospital.

The breath taking irises...

I have stated several times that I would give anything to have Heather back going thru treatments again. I am very selfish in this thinking but at least I could hold her close, hear her voice and tell her “I Love You” one more time. As horrible as chemo was I would not trade one minute of taking care of Heather for anything in the world. She slept in my bed because I was afraid I would not hear her. Most night we fell asleep holding hands in the center of the bed. Most nights in the hospital I fell asleep lying in her hospital bed and then moved during the night to my bed. I shaved her head, made a midnight run to Whataburger, went to the cafeteria at 1am and left the property to get a DQ blizzard. It was a lot of work and there were many horrible-bad times, but for some odd reason I remember the good-bad times.

Sun coming thru the magnolias..

This week getting my nails done I listened into a mother/daughter conversation as they were getting their toes done. The daughter was 15 and had received good grades for her freshman year and this was her mom’s reward for her hard work. I again sat and thought about all the pedicures Heather had during treatments. We have a neighbor who runs a nail place and we went there. She gave Heather her pedis at no charge. It was one moment of pampering that Heather could have done and she loved it so much. I was thinking about all the different times the girls and I had been to the nail place over the years. I wanted to tell the mom to cherish each moment because they could change in the blink of an eye. But figured I would keep my opinions to myself. Most people don’t want to listen unless I tell them where I am coming from and I didn’t feel like sharing my story. I recently found a new nail place. They have no idea anything about me and for right now I like it that way.

There are moments in history that change the world forever. Time is suspended when an event occurs that is so shocking, so unexpected, so inexplicable from that moment forward nothing can ever be the same.

~The Kennedy Detail~

Reflections...

These words are meant to describe the assignation of President Kennedy and how this event changed the world. While Heather was not as important her death changed my world forever and nothing can ever be the same. She never will be known around the world for some earth shattering movie role or finding a cure for something. But to me, to my world it was so shocking and devastating that life as I knew it is gone forever. It is easier for me to accept meeting new people now because they didn’t know the old me. The Sherry I used to be. They only know the new sadder me that is changed forever. Sometimes when I see people I know I act like I don’t see them so I don’t have to speak to them. They in return either don’t recognize me or do the same. It is just easier not to have to paint on my smile and act like everything is ok. Everyone in the world needs to know that I have survived and I am ok, that I am done with that grieving thing.

Looking from the outside of the house..

My amazing stained glass was finished this week. We hung it in the front window by Heather’s piano. It is absolutely beyond words. The photos are ok but they do not begin to capture the real beauty of the glass. Many of the pieces have glitter in them. I have not been able to get this captured in a photo yet. Heather would be THRILLED with this window. I am so glad I found that pattern and was able to have it made. This was her final project. In the end it wasn’t okay that I pitched out her stained glass, but it all worked out and I have her dream of a window that she wanted to finish. The window is yet another “painting” of sorts that hangs in vivid reminder of Heather. Only this one she had a huge part of since she picked the pattern to begin with.

On Memorial Day the flag is raised briskly to the top of the staff and then solemnly lowered to the half-staff position, where it remains only until noon. It is then raised to full-staff for the remainder of the day.

An amazing site to see

The half-staff position remembers the more than one million men and women who gave their lives in service of their country. At noon their memory is raised by the living, who resolve not to let their sacrifice be in vain, but to rise up in their stead and continue the fight for liberty and justice for all.

Flags line the roadways

Memorial Day is today and it is supposed to be a time when we stop to honor our fallen veterans’ for their service to our country. But I have come to realize that it is more about what are we eating? Are we going to the lake? And what big huge sale are we going to shop? When I went to the cemetery on Saturday they had put out all the flags on the veteran’s graves and also lined the roadways with huge flags. If you really want to get a sense of what Memorial Day is all about go visit a cemetery and pay your respects to some of the fallen men and women out there. I also found a patriotic Mickey Mouse painted plywood cutout for the front yard. Bill bought a solar light and two flags to place beside it. I plan to put this out for Memorial Day and then again at the 4^th of July to honor the red white and blue. I guess maybe I have morphed into an old person recently as I find it important to decorate a grave with every holiday and do the same with the yard. At least for now I do not have any gnomes for the yard. I do however have one for Heather’s spot…

Flags by Heather's spot and her flowers

I am actually shocked and saddened by my lack of knowledge of this holiday. I have thought nearly all my life it was for all veterans in our armed services living and dead. I had no clue as to the history of the holiday or how the South celebrated on a different day from the North. I remember the red poppies that were always being handed out by veterans in front of the post office but never knew these were and are still hand crafted by disabled veterans to help them meets their financial needs. I am saddened and disappointed in myself that I really don’t know about this holiday. I encourage everyone who reads my blog to take just a few minutes from FaceBook or games to look up something about Memorial Day. If you do, post something in the comments that you found out. I am interested to see who will…

Mickey knows the meaning of Memorial Day...

One of the longest-standing traditions is the running of the Indianapolis 500, an auto race which has been held in conjunction with Memorial Day since 1911. It runs on the Sunday preceding the Memorial Day holiday. The Coca-Cola 600 stock car race has been held later the same day since 1961.

Cemetery Caretaker of Sorts...

“The fence around a cemetery is foolish,

for those inside can’t get out and those outside don’t want in”…

~Arthur Brisbane~

Brandon died when he was 3 ½ months old, today is his birthday and he would have been 11 years old today. His mother moved and lives in downtown Phoenix and hopes that she can make it to visit him on his birthday and his death day. She had to count off the graves in this open area because he has no marker. She has never had enough money to be able to get a marker for her son. So in this open area today, there is a whirl-a-gig, some flowers and a stuffed puppy. I never knew there was anyone buried there. But I met his mom and now I will watch over Brandon and make sure that he is not just an empty spot in the cemetery. I really have never wished for lots of money, but today, I wish I had extra money to have been able to take her to the office and pick out a marker right then and there. My heart broke for this mother who summed up today that she should have been planning his 11^th birthday and not sitting in a cemetery with an unmarked grave.

It is amazing to me how much time I spend walking thru the cemetery nowadays. I know that to many it may seem very odd to say I spend time walking and looking at the markers in the cemetery. I also pick up flowers and set them back in vases and clean up any debris that is in the area. I have found many interesting stories out there. Many people have very “busy” markers, but it gives me an idea of who their loved one was. There are three that stand out very much in my mind.

One is a young woman that is in the wall of vaults. She had cancer and was pregnant. Shortly after giving birth she lost her fight. I was moved to see her photo of her ravaged body with almost no hair holding her newborn daughter. The ultimate sacrifice a mother can make…to give her life for the life of her child. I was saddened that the precious baby girl would not know the mother who loved her so much and gave her life so she could live. I felt sad that all her holidays will be with her mother in the cemetery.

There are two young men that died young. One appears to have had cancer. He had a very busy life with hunting and fishing and he loved motorcycles. He had many close friends and family that loved him very much. He was very close to the same age as Wendy. He has all kinds of bells, mementos and photos left to describe his life.The other young man I have no idea what happened to him, an accident or cancer. He is very close to the same age as Heather. There are lots of memorials and photos at his marker as well.

“There’s no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery,

 you can’t do any business from there”…

~Col. Sanders~

As I discovered that all cemeteries are not taken care of the same way, not all cemeteries allow treasures to be placed on the marker. I was reminded of this when I received a message about a new petition about a cemetery that had taken all the treasures out of the Babyland area. (For those who don’t know, most cemeteries have a Babyland-plots given for no cost to bury newborn babies that have died.) I was even more shocked to learn that this cemetery was in my home town of Farmington New Mexico and the very cemetery that Jo Beth is buried at. I immediately signed the petition and begged all of my FaceBook friends to do the same. I also learned that a longtime friend of mine, Sheila, buried her newborn son there as well. I am beyond appalled at the actions of the cemetery to remove the solar “nightlights” left so their babies won’t be in the dark at night, the toys and treasures that these grieving mothers have placed to remember their children. Oddly enough, Memory Gardens placed a letter to the editor and apologized for their actions. This is too little and way too late to erase the damage done.

BabyLand-a solace place for mothers to grieve

BabyLand is never touched-they use a portable weed cutter

I am getting to know all the “people” in Heather’s spot. I know when new flowers have been placed and when something is moved. I also go to “visit” the new people that arrive to see their age and name. It may seem very odd and weird but for some reason it feels right to me right now. Ashley’s tree has a wind chime in it. Bill untangled it and I check it every time I go out. I also ring it so I can hear it chime. Ashley’s flowers have not been changed in a long time. They are very faded and ratty looking. Tonight I took new flowers out and placed them at her grave. I know we are getting close to the 17 year mark of when she died. It was the last week of school and school used to go till first week of June. Really odd that Mrs. Lowry usually goes to the school for the end of year award ceremony. This year is was not able to be contacted. I am not sure what may have happened to her, but I will make sure Ashley’s grave has nice flowers for as long as I am out there. I am going to visit every day for a few weeks to see if Ashley’s mom comes to visit. I left her a note in the flowers so hopefully she will get it soon. Ashley’s marker only has the years and not the dates she was born and died.

Ashley's new flowers

Happy Memorial Day Baby!!

JoAnn’s Craft Store had flowers for 50% off this week so I went crazy and bought all kinds of beautiful flowers. I also bought some more metal stakes for the cemetery as well. I am trying to change out the things every month. Hopefully I can use these things for many years to come. The flowers with all the heat, sun and water during the summer will really take a beating. I also bought a garden shepherd’s hook to place out there so I can hang things like wind chimes and different wreaths. I also picked up rocks during my recent trip to St. Johns. I stopped at Hilltop Homestead-bill’s brother Steve’s house-and picked up rocks from their property. I showed Derek and Lara the rocks and Derek said I could take some from their place too. I am sharing the rock with Bill and the girls. All of us are free to do whatever we want to them. I am planning to paint mine, but others can just place them out there if they want to. Just nice to know that the rocks have a special meaning from the places they were taken from.

 Listen to the birds and all the sounds...so peaceful!!

“Running a cemetery is just like being President: 

you got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening”…

~Bill Clinton~