The Polar Express...

All aboard! All aboard!

Tickets please, tickets
Well, you coming?


It’s a magic carpet on a rail
Never takes a rest
Flying through the mountains and the snow
Ride for free and join the fun
(You can ride for free)
If you just say yes!
Cause that’s the way things happen
On the Polar Express
You bet!...

~Polar Express Theme Song~

Heather was in Mrs. Berglund’s class for 2^nd grade and during Christmas time Mrs. Berglund read her favorite Christmas story to the class…The Polar Express. It instantly became Heather’s favorite Christmas story book. I actually had never heard of it nor had she really mentioned it till the book was going to become a Hollywood movie. It was our family Thanksgiving movie in 2004. I happen to love Tom Hanks and we all fell in love with the movie.

I managed to find Polar Express things to get Heather for several of her birthdays after the movie came out. Her prized gift was the bell in the box like the one at the end of the movie…The First Gift of Christmas. Another favorite was the big huge hot chocolate mug and plate. Heather actually wanted an entire set of them but I was not able to find enough on sale after Christmas. With each piece being $10 it was a bit hard to want to get her a set of 16 cups and saucers.

Heather's prized Polar Express treasures

Since Heather died holidays have been a huge struggle for me. I would love to cancel every single holiday and birthday. Each one of these days is another slap in the face reminder that Heather is not here. Not like I don’t realize it every single day. But the days when it is supposed to be family is when it hits really, really hard. Other families have no idea how difficult it is for me to look at their happy photos of Christmas morning with all the family and gifts and smiles and laughter. That used to be me, but forever my happy ending is gone. I have wanted to go away for Christmas and ride The Polar Express for Christmas Eve just like the book. So in June last year I made ticket reservations for the whole family to go to Williams and ride the train.

Grand Canyon Railway lit for Christmas Eve

As we were leaving on Christmas Eve, Wendy asked me if I was bringing some of Heather’s ashes to spread up there. I honestly had not really thought about it, but then decided it was a perfect place and time to do so. As we packed up, I placed 2 spoonfuls of ashes in a plastic bag and put it in my purse. I am so glad that Wendy reminded me that Heather was the reason why we were going and doing this and it was in honor of her in a way.

We stopped at Anthem at the Outlet Shoppes to stretch and just look around. It was very mild out and felt good to walk around. They have a huge, huge live tree up there that we managed to get a few photos of. Actually not much was bought there. I was saving my shopping for The Polar Express store. Then we headed back on the road again. The roads were clear and dry. We could have been in snow or canceled all together because of the weather.

Snookie at Anthem with giant tree

Mimi and snookie self portrait

We checked into our hotel in which it looked like we were the only ones ever there. It was a Best Western at the edge of town. It was a very nice hotel and the rooms were excellent. We decided to head into the big ole town of William’s to find a place to eat our family Christmas Eve dinner. We found a Route 66 old gas station that has been turned into a restaurant to have our dinner. Just being in the small lazy town with all the decorations was very refreshing.

Old Route 66 Cafe

Wide view of cafe

We headed to the train station and waited to get on board The Polar Express. I knew from looking at the website and listening to others that Santa boards the train and gives each child a bell-the First Gift of Christmas. Because of what the story meant to us I was hoping that all of us would be able to receive a bell. I spoke with the cooks on board and was told that everyone would be receiving a bell and other special gifts because it was Christmas Eve. I was delighted to say the least that we all would be receiving a bell.

Getting tickets

Not ever train can be The Polar Express Train

The train pulls out of the station and the fun begins. The story of The Polar Express is read as hot large snicker doodle cookies are handed out along with hot chocolate. The hot chocolate is the right temperature, not too hot and not too cold. As we come into “Christmas Town” our attention is focused on the lights and all the buildings outside the window. Finally we see Santa and his sleigh packed down with gifts ready to fly away. We make a brief stop so we can head back the other way as Santa boards the train. He then gave all the kids the bell and his helpers gave all us adult kids our gift. It was a special Polar Express bell with a Christmas Eve ribbon on it attached to a Polar Express keychain that looks like the Conductors pocket watch. We all received Polar Express hot chocolate mugs as well. All too soon we were back at the station and it was time to go.

Large Snicker Doodle cookie

Gigi and Snookie look at their gifts from Santa

Special Christmas Eve bell and keychain

We just went back to the hotel room, everyone ended up in our room and just talked and relaxed. We planned to meet up for breakfast and then head back to the Valley. The hotel had a very good hot continental breakfast. Christmas morning breakfast was very special especially with a snookie in her princess sleeper. We packed up and decided to go back to the train station to spread Heather’s ashes.

Christmas Morning

Snookie at Christmas Day breakfast

When we arrived it wasn’t very hard to find the perfect spot; the “C” in Grand Canyon Railway, which stands for Coombe and Christmas Day. Bill dug a small little hole under and I got my baggie out and placed her ashes in the hole, pulled the dirt back over it and put the rocks on top of that. It was a very quiet moving moment. Then it was time for photos. Not like we will forget where the ashes are, just always get photos of our special places. I didn’t cry, it was just a very sober moment as we had just done something that Heather had always wanted to do and I felt sad that she never did the train ride. It felt good because there is a spot closer where we can go and remember her. It is different not to have a grave site for her. But I still do not want to have a marker in a cemetery somewhere. I will keep her with me until the last of the ashes have been placed. But it is very special to visit her special spots.

The special "C"

The whole sign

The rest of Christmas Day was very quiet once we returned home. Jenn, Bill and I had leftovers and watched a few movies. It felt very strange not to have cooked a big dinner and had all the smells and feelings of Christmas. I am not sure what is the right or wrong, good or bad for Christmas. Not that I want to forget, what I really want I can’t have, I want Heather back. I look at all the facebook photos of all the families enjoying their day and I am sad and jealous. That used to be me and my family. Now like I have said before I am looking thru the glass window into families and wishing I could have that too.

Many people do not like the idea of Santa and The Polar Express. We were that way once when the girls were really little. We never celebrated Santa, but in looking thru old photos I did manage to find several photos of the girls being little with Santa or the Easter Bunny. I guess it wasn't that big of a deal to me then either. The older I am getting the more I don’t really see the harm if you teach your children both; the true meaning of Christmas is Christ and what He did, but there also once was a St. Nickolas and he was a giving man.  I am not sure what it really hurts to allow kids to believe in princesses and power rangers but not in Santa and the Easter Bunny. It is all in the way you present and make the true focus in your household. Like I said, I am older and my views have changed on many, many things since our kids were little. Losing a child has a way of changing your views and ideas of life and things. Life is full of bad, horrible, evil, wicked things and I guess to allow a child to have fun and keep some innocence…I just don’t see the harm anymore. Olivia and Elisabeth knew the horrible side of life; living with cancer and transplants, and death at ages 8 and 12 respectively…having a ride on the Polar Express would not have hurt anything for them.  It may have given them a chance to forget about all the horrible things they were going thru. Snookie knows about Santa and the Easter Bunny and honestly I don’t see anything wrong with it. She says her prayers and she knows about God and Jesus. Harder than the Easter Bunny or Santa is trying to explain to a 3 year old why she can’t go see her Aunt Missy? Why doesn’t Aunt Missy come to visit? Why does Aunt Missy live in heaven with Jesus? She sees the photos of her and we talk about her all the time. That is so much harder to explain.

I would love to have some childlike wonder and magic back to look forward to the holidays and birthdays again. Like in the song Believe by Josh Groban that was used for The Polar Express. All too soon kids grow up and things change. I would give anything to be back in the days when the girls were younger and life was so much simpler. At the time it seemed very hard with 3 little ones, but I would give anything and everything to go back in time again.

Children, sleeping.
Snow is softly falling.
Dreams are calling,
Like bells in the distance.
We were dreamers,
Not so long ago.
But one by one, we
All had to grow up.

When it seems the magic slipped away...
We find it all again on Christmas Day.

Believe in what your heart is saying,
Hear the melody that's playing.
There's no time to waste,
There so much to celebrate.
Believe in what you feel inside,
Give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need, if you just believe.

Trains move quickly
To their journey's end.
Destinations...
Are where we begin again.
Ships go sailing,
Far across the sea.
Trusting starlight,
To get where they need to be.

When it seems that we have lost our way...
We find ourselves again on Christmas Day.

Believe in what your heart is saying,
Hear the melody that's playing
There's no time to waste,
There so much to celebrate.
Believe in what you feel inside,
And give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need, if you just Believe.

If you just believe.
If you just believe.
If you just believe...just believe...just believe.

Does the bell still ring for you?
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWHPMFOPss0&feature=related