Sisters..the Forgotten Mourners...

“But you went away

How dare you?

I miss you

They say I’ll be ok

But I’m not going to ever get over you…”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OeHS6CLUoV0

Miranda Lambert has never met her brother-in-law Richie Shelton. That’s because her husband Blake Sheldon’s older brother was killed in a car accident in 1990, when Blake was just 14. The fact that Richie has been dead for over 20 years does not stop Lambert from being affected by his death. Lambert says that her husband’s pain is her pain. The late, great Richie Shelton also inspired the song ‘Over You’ from Lambert’s ‘Four the Record.’ Turns out, the couple wrote the song together.

“Blake’s brother was killed instantly in a car accident at 24, when Blake was 14,” Lambert revealed. “And one day he just opened up and was talking to me about it. And then he was playing this pretty little melody and we started adding words. I said, ‘You went away,’ and Blake said, ‘How dare you,’ and we both started crying.”

That was a first for Lambert, who admitted that she has never cried when penning a tune before. But it was her relationship with Shelton that made her so emotional. “Now that I’m so close to him, it’s my pain, too,” she said.

Shelton suggested that Lambert record the song instead of him, because it was just too hard for him. “He said, ‘I think it’s better if you record it. Honestly, I don’t think I can get through singing it every night onstage, so what’s the point?’” Lambert revealed. “I love that song, and I feel like it’s time for me to show I have that side of me that’s vulnerable and hurting for someone else. It’s one of our favorite songs.”*

 “Living alone here in this place
I think of you, and I’m not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
Cause you sing along
With every song
I know you didn’t mean to give them to me…”

“SISTERS” was a television drama which aired on NBC for six seasons from 1991 to 1996. “SISTERS” focused on four sisters living in Winnetka, Ill. Having always wanted sons, their father had called the girls by the male version of their full names. (Alexandria, Alex; Theodora, Teddy; Georgiana, Georgie; and Francesca, Frankie)

In one of the first episodes the adult sisters are fighting and the mother steps in and breaks them up. She is outraged that her girls could possibly act that way towards each other. During this moment the mother says the most profound statement that I have ever heard. I used to repeat it to my three girls all the time. It is so very true and makes very good sense. It goes:

“Parents will die, husbands and lovers will leave you, but your sister is the only one who knows and loves you from cradle to grave.”

I realize that this is supposed to be a blog about a grieving mother, but there are other wounded parties when a child dies. It is the siblings that are left behind. The “forgotten mourners.” They are told to be strong for their parents. They have to live with the new parents they are left with as they remember the old parents. They have a hole in their family and their heart that can never be filled again by anyone. For my girls Heather was in the middle, the peanut butter with the two slices of bread. She held the sister together. She could act older and mature like Jenn, but then could get Jenn to loosen up and show her silly side. Heather could turn around and be a cut up and act silly with Wendy, but then get her to be serious and settle down. Heather was Jenn’s little sister, the one she called “dapper-boopers”, and tried to be the big sister even though Heather almost always stood taller than Jenn from about 2 year of age on. Heather was Wendy’s big sister, the one Wendy followed and wanted to be with even though Heather wanted to give Wendy away. They eventually grew to love each other. 

Jenn and Wendy have to fight with each other for attention but now they have a ghost they have to contend with as well. In everyone eyes, both parent’s and sister’s, Heather is now perfect. No one can live up to the ideal person we all now have to remember in our hearts. It isn’t that I tried to put Heather up so high, it just happens. If Jenn and Wendy were honest they would admit that Heather is now the perfect sister and now the other remaining sister will never live up to the memory of Heather. We all did not plan to do this, but it just happens. If I think long and hard I can come up with some issues that Heather and I had, it just isn’t the first thought in my mind. I am sure all the sisterly quarrels are far removed from their minds as well.

I was allowed to grieve for Heather and take my time as I still mourn for her. Siblings are required to take a minimal amount of time and then return to their normal lives. They were told to be strong for your mom, she needs you right now.  Just like I have to answer how many kids do I have, they have to answer how many siblings do you have? To some they may share about their loss and then to others it is just easier to answer and let it drop. It is a fine line of holding onto Heather and learning to let go without your sister beside you to share in all the moments that are supposed to be shared. We all are heading towards the 3 year mark. The years keep coming and I can do nothing to stop them. For me and I am sure for them it is not any easier today than it was April 20, 2009.

"It's odd ... Being this proud but at the same time wishing it never had to be written," he wrote. "I still miss my brother every day. Every single day."…Tweet by Blake Sheldon on “Over You” and his brother. It has been 21 years and it isn’t any easier for him either.* 

If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child.  ~Linda Sunshine

*(Taste of Country, RTTNews, KILT Radio interviews with Miranda Lambert and Blake Sheldon)