CHANGE...

It seems that I can go weeks with not much to write about and then there are weeks when I could write everyday about something different happening in my life. I am behind in keeping up with all the events that have happened in our family since Thanksgiving. I think I will take some time to write about all the different things going on in my life and mind right now.

CHANGE:

1. The act, process, or result of altering or modifying: a change in facial expression.

2. The replacing of one thing for another; substitution: a change of atmosphere; a change of ownership.

3. A transformation or transition from one state, condition, or phase to another: the change of seasons.

4. Something different; variety: ate early for a change.

5. A different or fresh set of clothing.

Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the Phoenix

~Christina Baldwin~

Good parents give their children roots and wings. Roots to know where home is, wings to fly away and exercise what’s been taught them.

~Jonas Salk~

As parents we raise our children with the hope of them someday leaving home and beginning their lives and families. You hope that you trained and taught them enough to be successful adults. You hope that you have instilled your wisdom, values and faith in them to be taught to the next generation.

I have never felt that I really wanted my children to leave. I enjoy having my grown children around and doing things with them. I like the fact that I can see my children every day. Especially when Heather died it was a huge comfort to have my remaining children at home. When a momma bear loses one of her cubs she pulls the other kids closer and will fight to the death to keep them safe.

Wendy's room empty

But with all things changes happen. Wendy and Pea aka Snookie aka Violet, moved into their own apartment with Steven. While these are the wings I have always tried to give to Wendy. It is just hard to see them “fly” away. The most difficult part was not to see my Snookie every morning and night. I am very attached to my Snookie. She is such a joy to my world. Not many Mimi’s get to spend nearly every day of their granddaughter’s life together. I got to enjoy feeding, bathing, seeing her changing, rocking, playing, putting her to bed, getting up with in the night and loving her to death. I got to see her changing every day. It was a true blessing for me.

The stairs to Snookie's New House

All ready for Christmas..Pea by the stockings

Snookie is doing very well in her “new” house. She loves it but still seems to be a bit confused about Mimi and Papa and GiGi not living with her. She still comes into our house and says she will go to her room. Our house will always feel like home to her. She will be very comfortable coming and staying with us when she gets older.

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself

~Andy Warhol~

"Guest" room

Shelf covered with Mouse stuff

The guest room is the room that Wendy lived in for over 17 years. Basically the only room and house she remembers. She moved into her room when she was nearly 4 years old. It has changed several times over the year and the cat mural I painted years ago is covered over by several coats of paint. There are now two twin beds and more Disney stuff in the room. It is weird to call it the guest room; it will be Wendy’s room for as long as we live in this house.

A view of my "office"

My “office” is the room that Heather lived in for 14 years and Snookie lived in for nearly 3 years. It is very difficult to call it my office. I am not sure what to call the room actually. The bunny mural that Heather hated for me to paint over has a couple different coats of pink paint covering it. Pink was one of Heather’s signature colors for sure. I put many of her things back in the room. It is close to the way it was when she died. When I first put everything in the room I was brought to tears as it should be that Heather would walk into her room at any time. I thought I was going to have to take her things down and change the room completely. But with time I have gotten very comfortable with the way it looks. Is it a shrine? I am not sure. In a year it may change again. And I can do that too and move on but for now it is nice to have Heather’s things out so I can see them.

Out with the old and on with the new

What a mess

All the changes over the years

The bathroom that Heather shared with Jenn and Wendy needed to be redone a couple years ago to be honest. When Wendy moved it gave me the opportunity to paint and change the bathroom. The last time I painted the bathroom was in May 2005 for Heather’s graduation. It was bittersweet to peel the wallpaper off the wall and to think about the pink polka dots going away. This proved to be a very long process as I had to steam and scrap the old wallpaper border off the walls. It took me over a month to finish this task that could have been completed in a week. I think it just took me time to say goodbye to the bathroom that Heather used and loved. This was a huge step forward for change.

Still have polka dot...

Feels very good to be a solid color

The final stage of change for the holiday season was to remodel the kitchen. I am not sure why I needed to have a new kitchen. I need new carpeting and several other things probably more but for some reason I needed to do the kitchen. Here again it was saying goodbye to the kitchen where Heather had been. To the kitchen she had cooked in and the kitchen that was here when she was here. To change the rooms, bathroom and kitchen was to move forward without Heather. I purchased all new appliances, got new counter tops and then changed the color from blue to red and added Mickey Mouse accents to it now. I love love love the counter tops. They are laminate but look like granite. Of course I managed to pick the most expensive, top of the line materials. I picked decorative edges to give it a modern feel. I also got a new breakfast nook table and chairs in black and brown. I love the new feel of things in the house now.

Old Kitchen-17 years old

New kitchen

Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me

~Carol Burnett~

Things are moving forward and changing and I cannot do anything to stop it. I can either move with it or I can stay in the past and become a weirdo. It is very difficult to explain how moving forward and making changes are very difficult to do for a grieving mother. All the things that I changed were things that were in the house when Heather was living. To change or get rid of them is to loss a memory of her.  While no one can take my memories away it is moving forward without her. I know that Heather would be thrilled and love all the changes that I have made. She would not want me to get stuck in the past. Hanging onto memories with one hand and then hanging onto Heather with the other hand is beginning to stretch me to the point that I have to begin to let go of something. They both are pulling in the opposite direction and slipping from my fingers. Which is…fine actually…

Becca: Does it ever go away?
Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't - has gone on for eleven years. 

But it changes though.
Becca: How?
Nat: I don't know... the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be aweful - not all the time. It's kinda...
[deep breath]
Nat: not that you'd like it exactly, but it's what you've got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And uh... it doesn't go away. Which is...
Becca: Which is what?
Nat: Fine, actually.

~Rabbit Hole~