Tis the Season to be Jolly...

Clinical depression is an illness characterized by clear diagnostic criteria – sad mood or anhedonia for two weeks or longer and then 5 or more symptoms ranging from loss of appetite to sleep disturbance to feelings of worthlessness.

Sadly, we still view this as something that a person can "control" – and they often get feedback like "Get over it,” “Cheer up," "Toughen up," or "Man up." A person with depression often already feels ineffectual; hearing this can often just push them deeper into the shadows and less willing or able to seek help.

Can you imagine if someone just got a diagnosis of cancer, or MS, or diabetes and were told to "Get over it”?

The research is clear that untreated depression can lead to significant worsening of symptoms, greater occupational and social impairment, and poorer treatment outcomes. Depression is a very real condition; it is not just about getting over it, but often taking medications, engaging in the work of therapy, and being prepared for future symptomatology.

TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY, JOYOUS AND JUBILANT: 

Holidays are celebration days. But for many they mean another day of loneliness, pain, fear, etc. I wonder why I can't feel joy as I have in previous years.  A major sign grief resolution is when I will be able to once again feel good about feeling good.

I must remember that grief has no season. It is always the season to feel sad. In the US there are approximately 2 million deaths a year. 10 people are affected by the death of that 1 person-therefore 20 million people will not be as jolly for the holidays as before.

The expectation is that I should be jolly...the reality is I am not. Good grief work requires one to realize I am altered forever.

HOLIDAY MUSIC: 

"We Wish You a Merry Christmas," “Joy to The World," "I'll Be Home For Christmas," etc., all remind us of the feelings for holidays. Music brings me back to memories. Memories remind me of what was...and what can never be again. Music moves me; it disarms me just when I feel the walls have been safely built around me to protect me from the invasion of memories.

During the holidays, music is everywhere...on the radio, in the kitchen, in the car, television specials sing out the oldies, retail stores play it over the loudspeaker, telephones repeat it while on hold. Religious services repeat them over and over again. I am almost unable to escape the "memory music that moves the bereaved beast".

RELIGIOUS CELEBRATIONS: 

Since most are Holy Days reflect a religious and spiritual message.  These messages and the rituals and ceremonies in which they are carriedare often not easily accepted by us if we are angry with our God during this time of loss and grief. We may feel unloved and punished by our God and often find ourselves unable to engage in religious ceremonies.

Those fellow believers who continue to be supportive often ask us to "BE STRONG" for the holidays and they may suggest to us that "true believers don't cry nor are we to feel unloved by God". Even worse we, at this time, may feel we are suffering another major loss...the loss of faith. Thus, contrary to widely held belief, religious belief systems may add to the woe at holiday time.

EXPECTATIONS OF THE "OLD ME":  

Grief work is the job of re-identifying the new self. Holidays are often the time where we relate to the old self.

Celebrations, customs, rituals, and certain people that once met the needs of the old me, no longer seem to meet these "new me" needs. Statements like, "I should be putting up the tree but this year I will decorate this windows instead. I should have all the old friends for the traditional get-together but I'm just inviting my three best friends this year to share the holiday meal". The "shoulds" suggest the old part of the old me and the new decisions represent the “new" reidentified self.

Feeling guilty because you can't meet both the old needs and the new needs at the same time creates stress during the holiday season.