Holiday Grieving Bill of Rights...

by Bruce Conley
Author, Handling the Holidays

1. You have the right to say, “TIME OUT!”, anytime you need to. This may mean stepping away from the holidays and giving yourself an opportunity to blow off some steam and start over. This year I only put up a one tree and Heather's nativity set. No stockings or anything else. Because of so many different things changing all at this time of the season, this was all I managed to do and I am fine with it. In 28 years of marriage I have never had such a small amount of decorations. I am good with it for this year.

Sleeping Beauty Castle

2. You have the right to TELL IT LIKE IT IS. When people ask, “How are you….?” You have the right to tell them how you really feel. If you want to tell them you are “fine” because you don’t think they will understand, that is okay too. Some people I share Heather with and other people it is just screw on my smile and act as if everything is just fine. People seem to need to hear that I am ok and fine and doing just great. So that is the answer I give them. I share my true feelings with very few close peeps.

Our Tree and me

3. You have the right to some “BAH HUMBUG” days. If you don’t feel like singing Christmas carols, that is okay.The biggest thing I have heard over the past few weeks is that I need to change and move on. Well, I cannot move on. I am sorry. Imagine yourself spending your holidays without a child forever. Not because they moved away or at the in-laws house this time. But never ever will your holiday be complete again this side of heaven. I am not fine with spending the holidays without Heather...

Entrance to Disneyland with train station

4. You have the right to DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY. You can change some of your traditions. You can have the holiday meal at someone else’s house. You can choose not to decorate at all. Christmas was celebrated on Tuesday night the 20th. This was the only night before we left that the whole family could be together. We went to Chipotle for dinner and there was no dessert, no eggnog or candy. We did gifts at Wendy and Steven's new apartment. And it was wonderful.

Snookie enjoys her princess castle form Mimi and Papa

5. You have the right to BE WHERE YOU WANT TO BE. You do not have to stay home. You can have the holidays anywhere you want.This year we will be going to Williams Arizona to ride The Polar Express for Christmas Eve. We will be staying at a hotel meaning I am not cooking dinner. I really wanted to do something completely different and away for the holidays this year. I needed to change for the sake of change and not doing the normal things again.

It's A Small World

6. You have a right to SOME FUN! It is okay to laugh and have fun. Don’t worry what others will think if they see you having a good time. Laughter is just as important and healing as tears.Bill and I just returned from Disneyland. We laughed and had a good time. there were a few moments of bittersweet as we went to our spot and then saw the castle all lit up. But it was a good time away right before the Christmas holiday. We were able to relax and have some fun. We also met up with some good friends that just happened to be there at the same time as us. They had never really been to Disneyland and it was great fun to see Disney thru a newbies eyes.

KaSaundra and Holden Davis

7. You have the right to CHANGE DIRECTION IN MID-STREAM. Grief is UNPREDICTABLE. You never know when the wave may hit you especially during the holiday season. If you are having a bad day and feel overwhelmed, it is okay to change your plans.In the middle of all the holiday doings, I remodeled my kitchen. All new appliances and countertops. this was a huge undertaking so close to the holiday season. But it looks wonderful and feels good to have something new. But I don't really suggest a remodel at Christmas time.

Main Street Square Christmas Tree

8. You have a right to DO THINGS AT DIFFERENT TIMES. Go to church at a different time. Eat at a different time. Open presents at a different time. I don't even begin to know what the plan is for Christmas Eve and Day. I do know that we will be stopping at the Outlet shops in Anthem to just kick around and window shop for a while on the way up. No idea where or what we will eat.

Looking up at the tree

9. You have the right to REST, PEACE and SOLITUDE. You don’t have to be busy all the time. Take time to rest, meditate or pray.Coming home will be downtime to go to the gym and movies before the new year begins. My dad will be coming and school beginning in January and then time will be all scheduled for me till May. Also thinking of taking a small trip to Disneyland with the entire family in January to rest as well and just have more fun. yes, Disneyland is my favorite place in the whole world. It will be our 5th trip this year.

Heather's Spot at night

10. You have the right TO DO IT ALL DIFFERENT AGAIN NEXT YEAR. You can keep the changes you make in your holidays or you may decide you want to try something different.I have no idea what 2012 will bring. I do know that with each passing holiday that keeps coming, Heather gets further away from when she was here. 

The most beautiful Christmas lights ever

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL...