..........."IT"

For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
 My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be. 

~Psalm 139:13-15~

From the moment I knew that I was pregnant I called the unborn child a baby, my baby, or the baby. I never ever called my babies an "IT". I have never felt like the unborn baby I was carrying was an "IT". The baby had life from the moment of conception, therefore the baby was never an "IT". The baby although being grown inside me was a person..not a thing. Of course once the baby is born no one would ever dream of calling the baby a thing or "IT". How rude that would be to the new parents. As children grow they are never called a thing or an "IT". They are kids, boys, girls, young people, brats or trouble makers, you can take your pick...but never an "IT". An "IT" to me is an inanimate object like a table, chair, dish, brush, yard rocks or many, many more things in my world. "IT" has no feelings or emotions. "IT" does not live, go to work or school or grow older. "IT" is just that...an "IT".

Heather-23 days old

Imagine how it feels to have people come ask you "is "IT" getting easier?  Is what getting easier? The state of the economy? The war in Iraq? The fight against cancer? What? Is what getting easier? I know what the "IT" is..."IT" is-the death and terrible loss of Heather that ripped our world apart. They want to know if  "IT" is getting easier. When people loss a spouse or a parent most people ask the question with the person's name in it or the position that the person had. Example; Is life getting easier for you since Bob died? Are things getting back to normal since your mom passed? Heather was not, is still not nor will she ever be an "IT". You have my permission to use her name. It really is okay with me to use her name. I like her name. I like to hear people use her name as well. This past week I was overwhelmed by this question by well meaning people. After the 4th time I was asked is "IT" getting easier? I felt like crying uncle already. I give...enough. Don't ask me unless you can use her name. Heather Nicole Coombe had a name from the moment she was born. It is on her birth certificate and her death certificate. They do not say that "IT" was born and "IT" died. Please stop to think before you ask this question. A nicer way to ask the same thing is....Is it getting easier since Heather died? This puts the "IT" to mean life or routine. This does not call Heather the "IT". So for the rest of my life...it will be "IT". I have an answer to this question. You may not wish to hear the answer. I am going to be honest. AWWW hell no!!!! This is not getting any f---ing easier.

Heather-3 years old

The holidays are focused on families, all the great times and food. It is only a huge slap in the face at every commercial that I will never ever have my entire family together again this side of heaven. Last year I was in a fog and I just barely made it through. So the 2nd year..only the 2nd year without Heather and it seems impossible again. Imagine that for a minute; all the Norman Rockwell holidays will never exist for me. I look at photos of other families; having all the grown kids with spouses and grandbabies home for the holidays. The fun of decorating everything from the tree to sugar cookies, playing in the snow, movies, food  and the final blow of opening the gifts. I said before that I am looking on the outside window of the toy story, longing for the things I cannot have.

Heather-16 years old

I know everyone will have a list of things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. I have a small list starting with Pea, Bill, Jenn and Wendy. But then I get to the part about my daughter residing in Heaven. I know most would say I should be thankful for my beliefs and thankful that I know Heaven exists. I will not say I am thankful to have a daughter in Heaven this Thanksgiving or any other Thanksgiving to come. IT does not add comfort for people to tell me Heather is in heaven. I know where she is..and it is not any easier. I can't say that childhood cancer was a blessing to our family or life. It added nothing to my life. I am not thankful that I watched my daughter get toxic chemicals pumped into her body 8 different times for days on end, all the steroids, placing her on a vent, sticking her with nasty chest tubes, all the IVs, tears and sticks, watching as they bagged her for over 45 minutes and laying next to her for 2 hrs as she left this earth. I am not thankful for any of that in any way, shape or form. I can't say that I am thankful that Heather is no longer fighting cancer, because if she was fighting cancer, that would mean she was still here. And for that, I would be ever so thankful.

Heather-18 years old

I I had heard that the 2nd year after a child has died would be worse than the 1st year. My thought was how is that possible. The 1st year is such a fog, a blur, with extreme sorrow and loss that it is a very hard get up each day. How could anything be worse than that. Well, the 2nd year has everyone moving on with their lives while I stay in 1st gear. Heather's friends are getting married or having babies. Things that Heather will never do. The people that stood by us now are growing tired of us still grieving. Why can't we "just get over "IT" already. What exactly is the "IT" that I need to get over? I need to get over Heather's life, her memories, her death?? 

Heather-20 years old

No, this is not my mood all the time. Most of the time I don't think people expect us to be doing so well. Most of the time no one would ever know that I lost a daughter. I don't wear a sign around my neck that says I lost a daughter. I have always said I would be honest and open with my feelings during this life change process. These are my honest feelings as to the "IT" question. I am sorry if I offended anyone. But, if someone going through the process doesn't share the thoughts and feelings how would you know what to say?