Upset, Angry, Mad and Down Right Pissed Off...

Every morning I wake up with the same thought...in that moment right before you fully wake up...I think that life is still good and as it was...as I fully awake I remember that Heather is gone and life will never be the same. I am not sure if I am sad, mad, angry, upset, bitter or just down right pissed off that things have turned out this way. It really is okay that I say I am mad or sad or whatever emotions I am feeling. It is my right. If you had been robbed you would be scared, hurt, mad, angry and so many other feelings. People would listen as you share your thoughts. But lose a child and the world, family and friends, run and hide in the other direction. Scare and unwilling to listen to me share my heartache. They either cannot comprehend my loss or it is flat out too difficult for them. Well, just imagine if it is that difficult for you to hear and what you are feeling over the death of Heather, imagine the utter brokenness of my heart and life.

So, I thought I would share some reasons that I am upset, angry, mad, bitter and down right pissed off about:

I am mad that I lost a child

I am angry that I find that 90% of CaringBridge kids are in Heaven

I am pissed that so many parents have lost a child and more will lose children today

I am upset that parents have to form foundations in memory of their children for awareness

I am angry that childhood cancer is still underfunded and less attention and research goes to it

I am pissed that childhood cancer exist and that after all this time there is no cure

I am bitter that blood cancer is devouring our nation and no one cares

I am mad because I felt like I was alone most of the time, not many fully get it

I am bitter because family and friends don't come around

I am angry because people wanted something out of me that I couldn't give-to be the way I was

I am pissed because I don't see other family members cry often or at all after we buried Heather

I am bitter that Heather was erased the day she died...to our family-she never existed 

I am upset because I was unable to share my tears with family and friends-because they can't deal with it

I am angry that the holidays are coming again and I don't feel like celebrating

I am bitter at people that did or said anything, in my eyes, wrong towards Heather

I am pissed because I can't forgive those people that did those things and they don't even realize it

I am mad because Heather died so young that most of her friends will move on and forget about her

I am pissed that I don't have enough memories of Heather or stories in the 21 shorts years she lived

I am upset when her friends get married and have babies and know that she is not here

I am mad that Heather didn't get to graduate from PIMA Medical and begin her life

I am bitter because the rest of our vacations, memories and lives will be without Heather in them

I am pissed because Heather is not here to listen to me and talk with me

I am angry that Pea will not know her Aunt Missy

I am bitter that I will never attend Heather's wedding or hold her babies

I am pissed that Heather will forever be 21

I am mad because most days I can't talk to God when I need to talk to Him the most. I am hurt and betrayed and wonder how God could allow this to happen to us. After all we had been through. I understand it was His plan, but I still don't get it. Some days are better than others. But after all the healing and growing I have done, one small event can send me right back to feeling like I am at the beginning of the grieving process all over again. However, I am finding that I am normal...I am a normal grieving mother. I read it everyday from other mothers just like me that are grieving the loss of their babies. So, to the world I may seem weird, odd or just plain crazy, but to other grieving mothers I am right where I am suppose to be for what I am going through on this day at this time. Tomorrow will be a different day and different feelings. I have to find the new me in my new life, with my new family that lives in the new world that has become my reality.

To my inner circle-thank you for walking this journey with me. For loving me, laughing with me, hugging me and allowing me to cry and just be myself. You have no idea how good it feels not to "put on" a happy face to be with friends and family. To feel like I can be the real me, the one that I am now without any fake emotions or put on masks. To those that would like to join me and help me I say this to you:

"Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend" ~Albert Camus~