Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granter just for me,
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you...
One More Day~Diamond Rio
Depression comes..out of the blue and with no warning. I know this guy very well. I don't need to see his ID. I can feel him creeping over me. Depression always asks if I am happy to see him? I tell him to go away, but he says I am sorry this is my job to hunt you down and find you once again. I don't want to let him in but he has a bully club so there is no stopping him from coming in and staying as long as he wants to. I am not happy to see him again. I thought I had put him behind me. But an event or date can send him back to me and have him cling to me for days. I tell him it is not fair that he keeps coming back. I have paid him well. I served my time. But he smiles and settles into my favorite chair, puts his feet on my table and lights a cigar, filling the place with an awful smell.
Depression came to visit me again late Sunday into Monday. I could not really figure out why. I had "THAT" feeling and I knew he was creeping up on me..waiting to overwhelm me again. It is a sadness and a feeling of loneliness, that grabs me by the back of the neck and holds on for days. I was dumbfounded. The middle of October? Why? Why now? This is not her birthday, or a holiday or even a milestone anniversary such as her death day or cancer diagnosis day. My brain and body knew what this week was suppose to be without me, the person, knowing why. This must have been stored in the part of my brain I don't use, but still stored there all the same.
This week, would have been Heather's last maintenance chemo treatment. She would have been all finished. Her 2-1/2 year ordeal of treatment would have been over. Her monthly IV vincristine and high dose steroids would be ending this week. Heather's life would have been returning to normal. She would have been graduated from PIMA and working her medical coding and billing job. More than likely she would have moved out and gotten herself a new car. There would have been a party of some sort to celebrate this HUGE ending. But instead, depression is taking over my day to day life for the moment.
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| Photo taken of Heather's last IV chemo treatment in March before she got sick |
We would be called back to the "chemo" room at Ironwood clinic. This is a large, cold room with lots of recliner chairs in it. These chairs are made of pleather...you know..leather look with the high quality of vinyl. That material makes them easy to be wiped down with Clorox to help this to be as germ free as possible. There are big round tables that have puzzles being done on them. The puzzles look like they have been there forever. They are about half way done. People walk by and try to fit a piece in and then walk away. There are snacks and drinks for the patients. A small microwave and fridge. Sometimes there would be candy or a special treat.
Heather would have her temperature and blood pressure taken. This is to make sure no fever before chemo treatment. Then she would find a seat in any of the chairs. We would wait for Patty to roll the drug cart to us to begin the IV. It was always a nerve wracking event to see if they would get it the first try. Patty was very good and got it most times on the first stick. The small, very old drug pole would be rolled over to hang the saline bag on. Tthe saline would be run to hydrate the area. Vincristine is a flesh and joint destroying drug. The ideal placement for the IV is in the middle of the arm. But we all know Heather, that would not be the way for her. The best place for Heather to get her IV was in the back of her hand. The tiny syringe of vincristine would be added to the saline and then more saline to make sure the drug didn't remain in her tissue.
During our visit in November, 2008 we got to see a special event. A girl a little older than Heather had finished her final chemo treatment. She was given a certificate and all the staff cheered. Patty asked us if we saw her shirt...it said F--K Cancer!! Heather and I both looked at it and thought wow..what a bold statement. At the time she and I were not sure we could actually wear a shirt like that out. Now after all I have lost to cancer I think I could wear that shirt to let everyone know just how I feel about cancer.
So, this week, there is no chemo, no steroids, no certificate, no celebration...and no Heather...
F-CK Cancer!!!
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