Today is the day before my birthday. For some reason I woke up at 5:15 am and began having my meltdown. This meltdown has lasted all day long. It does and does not have to do with Heather. It has a lot to do with my birth mother. Over the past year and a half I have received emails and letters telling me what an amazing mother I am. I do not feel that anything that I did for Heather or Jenn and Wendy is that amazing or special. I did what I had to do as their momy. I never thought twice about doing what I did. You fight for your babies, no matter how old they are. You never stop being their momy. I think that it is what any mother would do for her children. Well almost every mother....
My birth mother and I have a strained relationship. There are 2 sides to every story. But this is my blog, so you get to hear my side. I went into the relationship 16 years ago with the idea that birth mothers have to love their babies. I was WRONG. When Heather began her treatments I called my mother to alert her to Heather's cancer. No matter what the issues are I never want one of my half sisters to go through what I have gone through. I received an email from a half sister telling me to keep my mother in the loop and that she was very concerned about Heather. The email finished by telling me that my mother did not know if I wanted her to call me or not.
On April 29th, 2008 I called to talk to my mother on what I thought was the second worst day of my life. This was the day we thought Heather had a stroke. I thought maybe she cared about her granddaughter and/or her daughter. I left a message with her husband. He told me that he knew my mother would want to call and talk to me. He told me she was very concerned about Heather. I left my number and told him there was a 2 hour time difference and that I would be up for awhile. She could call anytime. As of today, 490 days later, I am still waiting for her to call. Once again I realized that I mean nothing to her. How can you not call your daughter??? HOW???
I called my aunt, my birth mother's sister, the first time we thought that Heather was not going to make it. She told me that she was keeping my mother informed on what was going on. I understand that we do not have a relationship. But I was not calling to tell her Heather stubbed her toe. Her granddaughter was dying. Her first born daughter was going through hell on earth. I heard nothing from her. My sisters and mother gave a donation to charity after she died. Then my mother sent me a generic sympathy card. She sent her daughter a generic sympathy card for the death of her daughter. Like patting me on the back with one hand and then slapping me in the face with the other. The generic card proves once again that I mean nothing to her.
As a mother, as a grieving mother, I cannot understand how a mother could treat a daughter this way. My birth mother has a total of 6 children. My 4 half sisters have told me that she is the best mother and grandmother that anyone could ever want. They watched how she treated me during this time so how can they say that she is the best mother and grandmother ever. How can a mother treat a daughter this way. I just do not understand.
So, as my birth-day arrives tomorrow, I wonder does she think about the day I was born? Does she care at all? How can she have 6 children and love 5 of the 6. There is NOTHING, NOTHING that my girls could ever do that would make me stop loving them. We have had our differences but I NEVER stopped loving any of them. I hate myself that I allowed her to get to me this way. I think there is a part of a child that always wants a parent to love them. I have to accept that fact that will never happen for me, not with a mother anyway.
Photos:
Sherry at 6 weeks old. 1 of only 3 photos taken during 4 months of being in foster care waiting to be adopted.
Jennifer with her Mommy, shortly after being born, March 13, 1986
Heather with her Momy, shortly after being born, December 10, 1987
Wendy with her Mama, shortly after being born on April 9, 1990
My birth mother and I have a strained relationship. There are 2 sides to every story. But this is my blog, so you get to hear my side. I went into the relationship 16 years ago with the idea that birth mothers have to love their babies. I was WRONG. When Heather began her treatments I called my mother to alert her to Heather's cancer. No matter what the issues are I never want one of my half sisters to go through what I have gone through. I received an email from a half sister telling me to keep my mother in the loop and that she was very concerned about Heather. The email finished by telling me that my mother did not know if I wanted her to call me or not.
On April 29th, 2008 I called to talk to my mother on what I thought was the second worst day of my life. This was the day we thought Heather had a stroke. I thought maybe she cared about her granddaughter and/or her daughter. I left a message with her husband. He told me that he knew my mother would want to call and talk to me. He told me she was very concerned about Heather. I left my number and told him there was a 2 hour time difference and that I would be up for awhile. She could call anytime. As of today, 490 days later, I am still waiting for her to call. Once again I realized that I mean nothing to her. How can you not call your daughter??? HOW???
I called my aunt, my birth mother's sister, the first time we thought that Heather was not going to make it. She told me that she was keeping my mother informed on what was going on. I understand that we do not have a relationship. But I was not calling to tell her Heather stubbed her toe. Her granddaughter was dying. Her first born daughter was going through hell on earth. I heard nothing from her. My sisters and mother gave a donation to charity after she died. Then my mother sent me a generic sympathy card. She sent her daughter a generic sympathy card for the death of her daughter. Like patting me on the back with one hand and then slapping me in the face with the other. The generic card proves once again that I mean nothing to her.
As a mother, as a grieving mother, I cannot understand how a mother could treat a daughter this way. My birth mother has a total of 6 children. My 4 half sisters have told me that she is the best mother and grandmother that anyone could ever want. They watched how she treated me during this time so how can they say that she is the best mother and grandmother ever. How can a mother treat a daughter this way. I just do not understand.So, as my birth-day arrives tomorrow, I wonder does she think about the day I was born? Does she care at all? How can she have 6 children and love 5 of the 6. There is NOTHING, NOTHING that my girls could ever do that would make me stop loving them. We have had our differences but I NEVER stopped loving any of them. I hate myself that I allowed her to get to me this way. I think there is a part of a child that always wants a parent to love them. I have to accept that fact that will never happen for me, not with a mother anyway.
Photos:
Sherry at 6 weeks old. 1 of only 3 photos taken during 4 months of being in foster care waiting to be adopted.
Jennifer with her Mommy, shortly after being born, March 13, 1986
Heather with her Momy, shortly after being born, December 10, 1987
Wendy with her Mama, shortly after being born on April 9, 1990
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