Confessions of a Grieving Mother...

I am proud to announce the cover for the new book Confessions of a Grieving Mother is officially finished. It was exactly what I envisioned when I began this process. It is amazing to me that I allowed the cover designers to dream up the best cover and both times they came up with nearly the exact same cover we used as a mock up. I think the bright blue is amazing and will be eye catching.

This photo was taken at Huntington Beach April 20th, 2013.

The manuscript has also finally passed the legal portion of this journey. This has been a huge 2 week delay and unneeded stress for me. They had an issue with Chapter 30-A Victim of Vulnerability. In this chapter I describe in vivid detail the sexual stalking abuse I suffered at the hands of my birth father, Harry. They did not like me using his name or the relationship that we had. I worked and worked to rewrite this to their satisfaction. I had a few different options

 

1.      I could use a pen name and change every name in the book

2.      I could take out this part all together

3.      I could change the relationship

I felt it was very important to keep the abuse in the book. It is a way to show that when you are hurting and at your lowest point there are some scummy people that will prey on you and try to victimize you even more.  I refused to change the names so in the end all the details are there but this man has been changed to be a “friend” of the family.  Unless you know the story you would never guess who this is. There are details in the chapter that have not been revealed. So far the few I have allowed to read this feel this needed to be in the book and are disgusted by the actions of my birth father. If the book becomes a success then all bets are off as to if I will cover up his “sins” any longer.

The manuscript is currently in copy editing and this process could take 1-3 weeks to be completed. This is checking for spelling, punctuation and subject content. After I receive their edited copy and all final changes are made then the book production will begin. During this time we are working on the 151 photos that will be accompanying this book. My goal is still to have an April release date.  

Angel's Lullaby...

When a little girl becomes 5-years-old, 

the world stops to admire and stare. 

Every wonderful and special 5-year-old girl knows 

the cutest and coolest clothes to wear! 

Happy Birthday, Beautiful!!

Snookie and Momma February, 2009.

Five years ago a beautiful little baby girl was born. She was three weeks early and as tiny as she could be tipping the scale at 5 pounds, 7 ounces. Not every Mimi gets the privilege of bringing their first grandbaby home to live with them. This tiny little baby was to have a huge role in our family as she was our saving hope and joy to survive Heather’s death just a short 2 months and 10 days later. Violet Rayne, my precious Snookie, had an incredible task placed on her as she helped each member of our family heal. She did nothing but sleep, grow and become the biggest joy of my life.

Happy 1st Birthday, 2010.

 Midnight moonlight shining through the curtain lace
Paints a perfect picture on your perfect face
One sweet angel sleeping in my arms
You are the promise I knew God would keep
You are the gift that makes my world complete

Happy 5th Birthday Snookie, 2014.

A joy beyond words

And you'll never know how much I love you
But I'll keep on telling you my whole life through
Now I believe in miracles, and you're the reason why
So dream on while I sing you my angel's lullaby…

Super Bowl...

Who won the Super Bowl in 1988? I know that the Denver Broncos played in that game because we were living in Colorado Springs and were at a friend’s house for a party. Heather was just barely a month old. I did not remember what team they played I just remember that they lost of course. The Broncos lost to the Giants 20 to 39.

Who won the Super Bowl in 2009? I know that the Arizona Cardinals played with Kurt Warner as the quarterback. It was a very busy weekend at our house as Wendy’s baby shower was Saturday and then we hosted a huge Super Bowl party on Sunday afternoon. Again, I honestly do not remember what team the Cardinals played I just remember that they lost. The Cardinals lost to the Steelers 23 to 27 in the last few minutes of the game.

As this year’s Super Bowl came along I really did not care if I watched it or if I didn’t. I had a reason for both teams to win, Denver so that Manning could show the Colts they made a huge mistake by trading him, but then Seattle has never won a Super Bowl so that would be nice for them to win. I could watch the game or I could go to a movie just as well I really had no big affection to watch the game. But as today, Super Bowl Sunday, went on Wendy, Sunnie and Snookie wanted to hang out and watch the game. That was just fine with me. Now what to do for dinner, of course there has to be food.

I had mentioned one idea for food but that did not really sound good to me so I went with traditional football food, homemade chili. As I got my big stew pot out and began to brown the ground beef I was transported back to the sounds and smells of another Super Bowl when life was good. I made chili with cornbread for the big Super Bowl party we had here in 2009. It was the single’s group that Jenn and Heather were a part of and we ended up with about 35 people here. The snacks were gone and chili had been served up and the game was in full swing. People were everywhere but my kitchen duties were finished. It was the 4^th quarter and as I scanned the room to find Heather to make sure she was okay, I noticed she was nowhere to be found. I went upstairs and found her and Wendy in our room watching the game away from everyone downstairs.

The game was over, Cardinals lost, time moved forward and life as I knew it changed forever. What was interesting was that two different friends of mine that had been at the shower noticed that Heather looked sad with a distant longing in her expression. Like she knew her time was very short. I was not told this at the time. As I have looked back at photos the friends were right, there was a distance and sadness in her eyes.

Something as simple as a Super Bowl can bring back a flood of memories to me. The 1990 Super Bowl was just two weeks after the death of my Daddy, Jim. The Denver Broncos were again in the game and we had a few friends over to the house for a small party. I was pregnant with Wendy and was not feeling terrific. As the party broke up so everyone could go to Sunday evening church service I decided to stay home. I began to wonder then who would win the game and then thought to myself that my Daddy already knew who won or lost the game. I did not even remember that the Broncos played in this game and once again the Broncos lost to the 49ers 10 to 55.

There are so many people that get really upset and nasty over the Super Bowl. It is said to be one of the highest domestic violence days of the year. To me, honestly, it is a game and no one will remember who won or who lost in 2 years. It really is not something to get upset over. Our family likes the Denver Broncos, sorry but we were in Colorado Springs for 7 years, it was kind of a requirement to live in the state. Heather bought Bill a Bronco sweat jacket for Christmas her last year. Bill wears it all the time to feel close to Heather. Because of the events of the game today, Bill may have to put his jacket aside for a few weeks just not to be harassed. Not that he minds, but this is something special to him as the last gift from his daughter.

Jenn and Heather as babies would wear Denver Bronco tshirts. After church I would take their dresses off and leave their tights on. The ones with the ruffles on the butt. We would have lunch, watch the first quarter and then it was naptime. I have many fun memories of the girls wearing their Broncos shirts. So while the country is tearing apart the Broncos for playing so badly, to me the memories go much deeper than just one game. It is a family tradition that means a lot to us. Heather loved her Broncos for better or for worse. After all isn’t that what a true fan does? Loves and supports their team no matter win or loss?

Inanimate Objects...

Having a child die is not a one-time event or a happening. When a child dies it is a total change in life. Everything that was “normal” is no longer that way. An ordinary trip to the grocery store can trigger so many emotions, everything from seeing her favorite foods to hearing conversations between other parents and children. When a child dies the loss is physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. I am always wondering who I am not that my Heather is not here anymore. Grieving mothers stop and shut down to a certain extend because we do not know how to function in a “normal” world anymore. When we do reenter life it is never the same as before our child died. That part of my life has been ripped away from my world forever. Having a child die is the hardest, most painful life change event I will ever experience.

I do not see, hear or process things that way “normal” people do anymore. I see, hear and process in terms of Heather not being here in everything I do. This is not something that I have to think about, it just happens naturally. I plan events or trips based on what time of the year it is happening. I already know and plan for certain times of the year to be very emotional and depressing times for me. No I do not plan this time it hits me without me knowing it. I wake up one morning and depression is there and then I wake up after the date has passed and depression just disappeared. This part I have no control over.

Inanimate:

a :not endowed with life or spirit 

 ~an inanimate object.

I completely understand the definition of an inanimate object, but being a mom I learned that definition does not apply to everything. How many of us had favorite stuffies as a child that still brings a fondness to our hearts at the mention of it? I learned the hard way that stuffed animals are very real to an 18 month old little girl that cannot seem to keep her favorite Mr. Frizzy bear in the stroller. Suddenly Mr. Frizzy bear was the most important thing in the world and he had to be found or replaced as soon as possible. I know that all of my girls had something that they felt was real every though it was not.  Heather loved Edison Bear to the point of giving him a huge personality. I still to this day cannot hear the song “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problem” by Kenny Chesney without seeing Edison, with Heather’s help, swooping his head back and forth to the song.

I know that my Heather diamond is an inanimate object but for some reason I cannot call it an “IT.” I picked up my ring today from Farrar Jewelers and the ring looks beyond amazing. I was very relieved to get my diamond back in my possession. While I trust Rod completely, it is a point of some anxiety to have the diamond out of my control. I think that the 12 sapphires and the 8 diamonds really give a stunning crown look for my diamond. Funny but I realized today that the red diamond makes the 21^st diamond for the setting. How ironic. As I posted photos on FaceBook and people began to respond I found myself unable to say “I love IT.” I had to say I love having “HER” back. I feel like my diamond is so incredibly unique and special it cannot be called an “IT.”

Here she is--stunning

I know I am constantly saying I will never “get over it.” I am not sure if people even realize the words they are using and how they actually sound being spoken out loud. To say the words to a grieving mothers makes us feel like there is something wrong with us. We question if we are normal, are we okay and am I really doing that badly? When someone tells me to get over it or asks me am I over it yet they set me up to fail. They make me doubt that I am making progress which adds fear that maybe I am failing.

I began going through Heather’s things again for my once a year “let’s see if I can get rid of anything this year” event. I have kept things that most people would find very odd. I looked at her three wigs that she wore during her chemo. I cannot let go of these wigs. She had a long dark wig that looked like her real hair, a long blond curly one that she bought for her birthday and then a shorter “Carol Brady” sort of cut one. (The short pixie one was cremated with her) I smelled them to see if her scent was still on them, of course after nearly 5 years they smelled like the box they were in. I looked at them, placed them back in the silk bag and back into the box. Something so personal to Heather I cannot get rid of. I am making slow process as I get rid of a few things each time I sort through her things.

One of the first Minnie Mouse's ever drawn

Mostly these thing remind me that she really did live on this planet. I have days where it seems like Heather never existed, she never lived and was never a part of me. She seems so distant and I have not heard her voice in 58 months, 1,767 days, 42,408 hours or 2,544,480 minutes. I look at photos some days and she seems like she is just gone to school, and other times I see photos and it just isn’t her.

Confessions Of a Grieving Mother book is coming along very well. It has been edited to chapter 31 and all photos have been placed with captions up to that chapter. I have a total of 152 photos that will be going into this book. When I began to place photos I realized that during the first year we did not take many photos of anything. The shock and numbness was too overwhelming to think about anything other than getting up, getting dressed and remembering to breathe, doing anything else was just too hard to think about doing.

The back cover wording of the new book

Walking with me and following my blog is not easy. I thank each and every one of you that reads and follows my journey. I never thought that people would really read let alone be interested in following my simple ramblings. I just write my true feelings and try to describe this journey the best way I can.

I miss you a little since you've been gone
A few little memories keep hangin' on
I miss you a little, I guess you could say
A little too much, a little too often
A little more every day...

~John Michael Montgomery~