Let It Go....Let It Go...

It was acceptable when heather first died that people allowed me some time to grieve and be sad. But very shortly people wanted and needed to see that I was okay. That everything had returned to normal and I was moving on with life happy and content. When Queen Elsa looks from her window before the coronation and says:

Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, put on a show
Make one wrong move and everyone will know…

This is exactly how I feel most days. Most days I have to “put” on a happy face and act like everything is right with the world. After all it has almost been 5 years I must be “over it” by now. I cannot be grieving still. I have to be the good girl everyone expects to see. They don’t want to see the real me. I have to conceal my feelings that I want to cry and scream still. This has not gotten any easier and while the pain has lessened some, the memories are as vivid as they were in 2009.

When the truth is revealed about Elsa she runs and turns the fjords into an icy cold winter. Elsa can finally be herself but she has to hide herself from the rest of the world. I have days where I just want to stay in and not talk to anyone. I don’t feel like getting dressed or doing anything.
…A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I’m the Queen
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I’ve tried
Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on, the cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free...

Just when I think I have my emotions and everything under control something happens, like a family event or a date comes around that get the memories and emotions going. Elsa after Anna leaves the ice palace is talking to herself saying “don’t feel!” Don’t feel!” “get it under control-conceal don’t feel!” I feel that sometimes when I have to go somewhere or be around people that I have to tell myself those words, “Don’t Feel!” If you have never had to do this to yourself be thankful. It really is horrible to have to go and pretend you are someone or something you are not. Elsa has to pretend she doesn’t feel while she accepts the coronation of being queen. She wants to run and hide from the world. When her true powers are revealed the world thinks her to be a monster. If I was to break down and cry at a wedding or a baby shower people would think me insane. That is why most of the time I avoid weddings and baby and bridal showers. It is just too tough for me. Funerals are the same way.

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry
Here I stand
And here I stay
Let the storm rage on…

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past…

Let it go, let it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand in the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway…

So in the nearly five years since Heather died I have collected Disney things, made lots of trips to Disneyland, I avoid crowds and certain group events, I have gotten two tattoos and have written two books. Most people thing me insane and some kind of weirdo, but basically I am trying to find the new me, trying to figure out how I live and where I fit into the world. I cannot do things the normal way and my mind processes things, movies and songs differently now than I did before. To me the song "Let It Go" has a whole different meaning to me. I love the scene in FROZEN where she builds the ice palace and feels free for the first time in forever. I am tried of being a grieving mother! I hate pretending to be someone I am not and putting on a happy face. But i have to keep up the game for the rest of my life.  I just keep “conceal, don't feel, put on a show—make one wrong move and everyone will know…”