Glass...

 Trying to live and love,
With a heart that can't be broken,
Is like trying to see the light with eyes that can't be opened.
Yeah, we both carry baggage,
We picked up on our way, so if you love me do it gently,
And I will do the same...

What did you wish for as a child? What did you imagine your life would be when you grow up? I dreamed of being a teacher, but the only thing I really ever wanted in the whole entire would was to be a Mom. I wanted to have babies so I could belong to someone. Being an adopted child I think this is a normal feeling. I wanted someone to look like me and have my same mannerisms. The wishes of a young child are faded into the past and so much has changed.

marker placed-7/17/12-saw it at night for 1st time

 What did you dream for the day you got married? What did you picture for your new life and family? I dreamed of having four kids boy or girls didn’t really play into the count. I just wanted four. The place we lived did not seem to matter to me just as long as it wasn’t Phoenix where we started. It was too hot. Funny how life brings you full circle. The dreams of a young bride have long faded into the past and so much has changed,

such a lovely sight to see ...

What did you hope for when your child was born? What wishes and dreams did you see as you looked into your new babies face and held them close? I wanted each one of my girls to be safe, healthy and happy. Not to say that bumps and bruises would not come along the way. Life is hard and I knew I could not protect them against everything. But I wanted girls who loved the Lord and could be anything they wanted to be. The hopes of a new mother have long faded into the past and so much has changed.

Red beauty!!!...

What did I pray for the day I heard the words “Your daughter has cancer”? What did I beg God as I held my daughter who was in shock? I wanted to be the one that had cancer. I wanted to scoop her up and run and hide and make it all go away. I wanted this to be someone else and not her. I needed to be her strength and protector but how could I do that when I was falling apart. The prayers of a scared mother have long faded into the past and so much has changed.

I'll let you look inside me, through the stains and through the cracks,
And in the darkness of this moment,
You see the good and bad.
But try not to judge me, 'cause we've walked down different paths,
But it brought us here together, so I won't take that back.

What did I think as I heard the words there is NO HOPE? What did I feel deep inside my heart? I wanted to die in that moment. Life for me was over. My child, my flesh and blood that I grew and carried was going to die. While I was happy I knew she was going to heaven, I am very very selfish and I wanted her here with me. One last time I begged God for strength as I lay next to Heather and let her go home. The feelings of a broken hearted mother have not faded but so much has changed…

Sinks in when you see it in stone!!!

What did I feel as I stood in the dark looking at the newly placed marker on my daughter’s grave? What did I think as I saw her name written in stone for the first time? IT IS FINAL….AND IT IS NEVER GOING TO GO AWAY OR STOP HURTING!! EVER!!! Despite what the world thinks three years is not a long time. I ran my fingers over her name and photo and cried. It is the most beautiful marker I have ever seen, and at the same time it is the most horrible thing I have ever seen. No mother should ever see her child’s name written in stone in a cemetery. The feelings of a grieving mother have not faded but so much has changed.

It is finally final...

 I have to be me and I have to remember Heather the only way I know how. I can’t change who I am for anyone and I won’t. That isn’t fair to me or Heather. Heather was part of my world for over 22 years counting the 9 months I grew her. I cannot live without her with me every day of my life left here on earth. I am sorry if I come across weird with my cemetery talk, photos of decorated graves and ever changing moods. It is all I have left to make sure she remembered. I was reminded of this as I read a message I received for someone who has stared cancer in the face and seen her own death.

"People have their own perspective on situations and unfortunately they don't always think about how you must be feeling. I love the things you do to keep Heathers memory alive, the care and thought that goes into everything. You know, one of my biggest fears when I was first diagnosed was that if I died , my family would forget about me. Not that I wouldn't want them to move forward, I just didn't want to be forgotten. I love you tons Sherry".

First decorations-horribly beautiful awful and pretty

We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
Cause we are glass.

~Glass~Thompson Square

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPd1GIwjRFM