Right now all I can taste are bitter tears
And right now all I can see are clouds of sorrow
From the other side of all this pain
Is that you I hear?
Laughing loud and calling out to me?
Saying see, it's everything you said that it would be
And even better that you would believe
And I'm counting down the days until you're here with me
And finally you'll see
SEE~Steven Curtis Chapman
(written for his daughter that died)
I have a story to tell....In 1998, I remember listening to the way that Jennifer S talked about her Mimi (her grandma). There was such love in her words and the way she talked about her. I had never heard of a Mimi till then. I thought how special and wonderful to have a Mimi in your life. Her Mimi seemed to make everything better. I decided that day and told the girls that I wanted to be called Mimi. It took me 11 years to become a Mimi...but I feel that Pea and her Mimi have a very special relationship...one day I hope that Pea and the other grandchildren will talk about me the way that Jennifer talked about her Mimi.....With that being said, there are no Mimi cards or mugs or anything else with Mimi on it. Today, I received a very, very special gift for my birthday. It is the gift as much as the giver. I received a pin that says "My Mimi". The pin was originally purchased for Jennifer's Mimi by Jennifer's mom-Diane. I had the honor of visiting with the original Mimi several times. She was an amazing lady. The original Mimi died 2 yrs ago tomorrow. In going through things, Diane took the "My Mimi" pin back as a keepsake. Today, for my birthday, I was given the "My Mimi" pin. I cannot begin to express how much I love the giver, the pin, all the history and thought that goes with it. I feel very honored to have this pin, will wear it proudly and always remember Mimi.....
I hate the fact that my birthday brings up thoughts of my female gestational unit. I really dislike that she enters my mind at all. I guess it is only natural that the woman that gave birth to you would come to your mind on the day of your birth. It has been another year and I am no closer to understanding how a mother can give birth to 6 babies and only love 5 out of 6. I have no concept how a grandmother can have at least 12 grandchildren and love and care for all but 3 of them. Nor do I have any idea how a great grandmother could not give 2 cents about her first and only great grand child. I still find her the biggest coward and chicken in the entire world. She never once has talked to me to confront me as to how I feel. I think this is because she knows I am telling the truth. As a mother...I love my daughters and granddaughter more than my life. As the mother of a child that has died...I would give anything...including my life to spend one more second with Heather. I hate myself for allowing that woman to occupy one second of my time.
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| Heather's shirts...her blue dotted swiss in front |
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| 2 dresses on left I made for Heather...center dress she wore everyday |
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| Jeans, pink head scarf and princess tank top |
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| All made by mom-Pink dress on right was Easter the year Wendy was born |
I finished going through all of Heather's boxes. I finished cutting all the squares for the memory quilts. Some of her clothes were hard to cut. The memories that were associated with the clothes hit me hard. Heather's blue dotted swiss shirt that she wore Easter 2008 and then to match Miss Sally when she came to visit was very hard to cut. She looked so good in that shirt. I loved that shirt. I also cut a few of the matching dresses that I made the girls when they were little. Those made me go right back to when they were little and running around. Again, I have been told that this is very healing for me to do. The hardest part was throwing the remaining parts into the trash.
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| Cutting sleep shirt-8inch squares |
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| All the squares cut...now the sewing |
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| My quilt laid out |
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| All Heather's cross stitch kits |
In going through Heather's things I found all the cross stitch kits that she bought. Hint #1~never buy lots of crafty kits while on high dose steroids. Heather went to Micheal's and found the clearance aisle. She had a whole basket full of kits that she was determined to do. Most of them are still sealed kits that were placed in a box. I have a couple of things that she nearly finished that I am keeping to finish. The rest are going. Another story...many years ago I found a cow checker board cross stitch that I wanted to do for my BFF Sandy. I gave Heather the pattern. I didn't know that she had begun this as a gift for Sandy. Sandy does cross stitch so I am sending this to her so she can finish it.
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| Projects she began and never finished |
I have been told that I am making progress and moving with the healing process. Most of the time I don't feel that way. I feel like I am going through the motions. Just when I feel nothing can shock or surprise me something comes my way to take my breathe away. The other day Bill and I were having lunch at Subway. As I looked out the window...I saw a car that looked just like Heather's drive by. As it turned into the parking space I saw the front and knew it was her car. The kid that bought it in December just wanted to fix it to sell it. I watched the lady get out of it...with kids... and then went to talk to her about the car. I told her that Heather loved her car and drove it everywhere. The lady told me she loved the car and it was always on the go with 2 boys. They asked to see a photo Heather. They seemed moved by my story. For me, not everyday you see your daughter's car drive by and for them not everyday you hear about a girl who owned your car and she died....
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| Heather's car-Zippy |
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| It still looks good..wish she was driving... |
SEPTEMBER IS PEDIATRIC CANCER (GOLD) AWARENESS and LEUKEMIA (ORANGE) AND LYMPHOMA (LIME GREEN) AWARENESS.....did you know that???? Tie ribbons or wear something to get people's attention...
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