Another Angel Gets Her Wings...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky

I'll be your shoulder when you cry

I'll hear you voices when you call me

I am your angel

And when all hope is gone, I'm here

No matter how l far you are, I'm near

I'm your angel

Celine Dion~I'm Your Angel

Over the course of my journey I have found several other families that have leukemia on CaringBridge that I have begun to follow. One that touched me greatly was Olivia Culpepper. She was 3 years old when she was diagnosed with Leukemia. She went into remission, to relapse and go through a bone marrow transplant. This was not enough for this little girl to endure. God had more testing for this sweet angel.

Olivia with BFF Stuffy Bear just checked into MD Anderson~2009

In 2009, Olivia came out of remission for the 2nd time. With her momma  and BFF Stuffy Bear always by her side, the very brave threesome left their family in Georgia to go to MD Anderson in Texas. Olivia has an older brother and sister. After months of being away for the 2nd bone marrow transplant, Olivia and her mom were able to make it home on December 23, 2009 just in time to be a family for Christmas. Olivia was thriving and doing very well. She even made it back to school part-time. It is very important for 1st graders to be at school.

Olivia and BFF Stuffy Bear after 2nd bone marrow transplant~2009

Olivia celebrated her 7th birthday with a huge hometown birthday party, got to play in snow and spend time with her big brother and sister.  A huge highlight was that Make -A-Wish gave them a trip to Walt Disney World in March. Even then the monster did not leave them alone and Olivia ended up in the hospital in Florida. But that did not stop this beautiful little girl from enjoying her visit to Walt Disney World.

These words are from Olivia herself...spelling and all:

HI. THIS IS ME. OLIVIA. YESTERDAY I GOT TO MEET MINNIE AND MICKEY AND THEY SIGNED MY SHOES. (mom's edit; this was the Disney character meet and greet. They signed her stuffed Mickeys shoes!) MINNIE SIGNS WITH HEARTS OVER HER I'S AND XOXO. THAT IS HUGS AND KISSES. AND I ATE RASPBERRY ICE CREAM FOR LUNCH ONE DAY. LAST NIGHT I GOT TO SEE THE CASTLE AND THE FIRE WORKS. I LISTENED TO BELLE TELL A STORY AND SAW TINKERBELL FLY. BUT I DID NOT FEEL LIKE MEETING THEM. I DO NOT FEEL SO GOOD. I AM BACK IN THE HOSPITAL. I MISS DISNEY WORLD. MAYBE I CAN GO BACK SOME DAY. THAT IS ALL . LOVE . OLIVIA..

~Tuesday, March 30, 2010~CaringBridge Post

Olivia with BFF Stuffy Bear and IV pole at Walt Disney World~2010

Everything was moving along with a few bumps in the road. Life was good for little Olivia and she seemed to have finally beat this monster. Olivia wished everyone a Happy Mother's Day on 

May 9, 2010. She often wrote on her CaringBridge page and told jokes all the time. In 5 short days Olivia would be in the hospital with breathing difficulties.  She has pneumonia among other things. (no bone marrow, no white blood cell count, and bleeding out). Each day she declined further and further.

Olivia Grace Culpepper joined Heather in Heaven today at 12:15 pm.

 Olivia playing in the pool..right before coming out of remission the 2nd time~2009

I asked Bill yesterday if he thought that because Olivia had become someone important to me, was Heather at the gate to meet Olivia when she got there? I think she was. I think she was running late, but I think sometime during the celebration, Heather put her arm around her and said, come on, I'll show you....and BFF Stuffy Bear will be fine with your Momma. He will give her comfort just like Edison does for my mom...

It is dawning on me more and more that very, very few people, children included survive Leukemia. Between the treatments, the maintenance, the possible infections and then the cancer its self...it is a miracle anyone survives. I have come to believe that the survival rate is not 50/50..I think it is more 90/10...90% die and 10% live...

The see Celine Dion's song~ I'm Your Angel click this link:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nV_p6cvr2A

Breathe Without You, But I Have To...

And we know it's never simple,

Never easy, Never a clean break

No one here to save me

You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand,

And I can't breathe, without you,

But I have to, breathe, without you,

But I have to...

~Taylor Swift~ Breathe~

I did not realize that over the past year I have surrounded myself with people I feel most comfortable with. I didn't do it on purpose, it just happened that way. These friends continued to call and come see me. We have lunch dates and I feel very at ease with these friends. I feel like I don't have to explain my sudden quiet mood change, the tears that runs down my face at a unusual place in a movie or feel funny about mentioning Heather's name. These friends have become my close inner circle.

I had to make an emergency trip to Iowa to see my Daddy-Harry Blackburn. He was diagnosed with colon cancer 2 weeks ago. This came as a huge blow to me. He is having surgery on Tuesday May 25th. This is my birth father that I found in 2004. We have not had much time together. When I found him I suddenly realized who I am. A version of my father. I suddenly did not feel like a freak. I belonged to someone. We have a very special bond.

 Sherry and Daddy~1st meeting January 2005

I was taken out of my comfort zone and placed with people I don't want to be around. I was with my step mother and 2 of my siblings that want nothing to do with me. It was a very, very stressful time for me. I did not feel that I could relax. I certainly did not share much about my feelings or Heather with them. That is reserved for special people only. This made me feel very defensive and I realized then that I really don't want to be with people and meet new people.

Heather and Grandpa~1st meeting January 2005

I realized that I cannot or at least am not ready to deal with people outside my inner circle. I became panicked when I realized that Wendy's bridal shower is next Saturday.  The idea of having people I did not know in my home, looking at my memories and Heather's things was suddenly overwhelming. I guess you could call it a panic attack. It dawned on me that this is my private space and I find it very intrusive. This is when I noticed that I had made myself a private inner circle of friends. The ones I feel most comfortable with. Maybe someday I can go to parties, have parties and not feel panicked by the idea of being out of my comfort zone. But for now, I will keep my inner circle of friends very close and maybe with their help I can breathe again someday..

Christmas 2001

When you lose a child..the simple task of breathing is painful. You suddenly feel like all the air has been sucked out of your lungs. So I am still breathing each day. The best thing I can say is I am still breathing. The 2nd song of Taylor Swift that I want to introduce to you is called "Breathe".  It is about a break up...but the words are very true for me right now. I can't breathe, but I have to without her...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kpXS9fFP6es

But I Know I Had The Best Day With You Today...

I don't know why all the trees change in the fall

But I know you're not scared of anything at all
Don't know is Snow White's house is near or far away
But I know I had the best day with you today...
~Taylor Swift~ The Best Day~

We pull up at Suzanne's Bridal Shop to find you a dress for the ball. I pull dress after dress for you to try on but none of them seem right for you. You are looking for a bright pink ball gown like Aurora In Sleeping Beauty. We have tried everything and are about to leave when the gal brings out a blue ball gown that is stunning. You try it on, instantly we both know this is "The Dress". You look like Cinderella. You smile and tell me you feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. You ask me how much the dress is and I tell you it doesn't matter. You look amazing in the dress. You hug me and giggle as they put it in the dress bag...
But I know I had the best day with you today...On my recent trips I have been listening to Taylor Swifts CD. Everyone knows the popular songs that are on the radio. There are 2 songs on the CD that mean so much more that any of the other ones put together. The one I am sharing today is called The Best Day. It talks about a daughter with her mother and the days that they have shared. It states that even the simple days can become the best days. The song makes me stop and think about little things that have become great days with Heather. Little did I know that those were the best days with her. The video is of Taylor Swift's childhood. The song is for her mother...

http://www.cmt.com/videos/taylor-swift/377565/the-best-day.jhtml


Going through Heather's things I found a letter that she had written to Reba. It had been returned to her for having the wrong address. It had never been opened, she just put it away in 2002. I opened the letter and it was so good to see her handwriting. As I read the letter it brought me to tears as she was writing about me. So on this weekend when most of the world honors their mothers...I will not be mentioning my gestational unit. Instead I will share how my daughter felt about me as her mother. I had no motherly influence to guide me. I did the the best I knew to be as a mom. What I always wanted a mom to be. It was nice to hear that she really did think me to be the best mom ever.



Shortly after Heather began treatments she came to me and gave
me a card. She told me that this expressed just how much she loved me and what I had done for her the past few weeks. I didn't feel that I did anything super or wonderful. I was simply being a mom. I did what I felt in my heart I had to do. Standing by my Heather and doing the absolute best I could do for her. As terrible as those days were...spending time with Heather and sitting in the hospital would become the best days...
HAPPY MOMY'S DAY...
to all the Momy's who truly understand what a Momy is
Any woman can be a Mother,
But it takes someone super special to be a Momy...