unthinkable act

RESPECT-is a positive feeling of admiration for a person or other entity(such as a nation or a religion), and also specific actions and conduct representative of that esteem. Respect can be both given and/or received. Depending on an individual's cultural reference frame, respect can be something that is earned. Respect is often thought of as earned or built over time. Often, continued caring interactions are required to maintain or increase feelings of respect among individuals. Chivalry, by some definitions, contains the outward display of respect.

Respect should not be confused with tolerance:

Toleration is "the practice of deliberately allowing or permitting a thing of which one disapproves.

When it comes to the care of a loved one we as the family demand great respect. This is required from the time our children are born, beginning with the caregivers, to school teachers, to spouses, doctors and finally the funeral home and cemetery that we entrust our loved ones to in death.

While Heather was in the hospital many of you know that I called Falconer Funeral Home one afternoon and I spoke with Christian Timothy, the funeral director. I explained the situation to him and he expressed great sympathy to me and hoped he would not be hearing from me in the future. I picked Falconer Funeral Home because Beka, Wes and Diane’s daughter has been taken care of there. I had no other place in mind.

The day Heather died I called Falconer Funeral Home, very matter of factly, to explain to Christian that today was the day Heather would die. When he answered the phone I could no utter a word, tears filled my eyes and my voice would not work. Why, I have no idea, but Christian ask “if this was Heather’s mom!” It had been nearly 2 weeks since I had called him but for some reason he knew it was me. Falconer Funeral Home, with Christian, did not let me down in any way. They proved to have the upmost respect for me, my family and mostly for Heather. Every single detail was done right and with the highest honor.

I did not have Heather’s ashes buried right away and some 2 years later I thought I had found the perfect place with the upmost respect for the deceased and their loved ones that remained behind. I had dealt with a man by the name of Daniel, who really understood as he had a daughter died as well. I was treated very well and the management at Mountain View Cemetery was different than it is today. Had I known now the management that would be in place just barely three and a half years later I would have never considered burying Heather out there.

The cemetery over the past three years has given me great comfort and filled a need or void in my life that things were settles. It is with the greatest of sadness that Mountain View Cemetery has changed management and they leadership is not of the same caring compassionate nature that it once was. After three weeks of living hell, beginning a petition and being o the local news and radio I am saddened so announce that as of Monday, October 12, 2015, my daughter, Heather, has been retuned home to me where she will be remaining till my dying day. We have parted ways with Mountain View Cemetery under very strained and stressful circumstances. The amount of pain and hurt they caused was totally unnecessary.

Cemeteries are places of reflection, remembrance and respect and I no longer fell these are qualities that I am willing to back down on and the cemetery is not willing to back down either. This has caused such an amount of stress and the hurt of loss is brand new again. The hurt and wound that was beginning to heal has had the scab needlessly ripped off leaving the wound one again fresh and new. It may have been 6.5 years, but the events of the last week had brought everything right back to the surface as if it was April 20^th all over again.

An agreement could not be reached and I would not back down on my standards and ethics as to what I think is respectful. On Monday, October 12, Christian once again, cared for our daughter and helped in the process of getting our daughter, Heather's, ashes were retuned to us. This was after a very stressful and unnecessary event took place. My fight for this is over and I have to be very careful about what I say to how about  what.....This was probably the second most difficult thing our family has endured. The amount of hurt this has caused was totally uncalled for. The vault got moisture inside and ruined all the treasures we had placed in there as well as the urn she was in. Everything had to be burned as medical biohazard. For now, she sits in a moldy plastic bag, inside another bag in a brown cardboard box. This is just unreal. Last Friday she was placed into her new resting home and I feel some peace for the first time in 3 weeks.

two "sharing" urns, a scatter tube and her new rosewood urn

We appreciate your prayer during this difficult time of beginning to heal and trust again. Heather will not being going to another cemetery as I will not be able to trust them. I am currently looking to sell her plot. Holding a trick or treat event in a cemetery is like holding a haunted house in a funeral home….. 

A very special thank you to Christian Timothy for who's help was a beyond words and I greatly appreciate his love and care for Heather. Thank you for your support and love

Chasing 50...

A birthday is a birthday, is a birthday, right? Well not really. Some birthdays are milestone birthdays that deserve extra attention to be celebrated right. Of course your 1^st birthday is usually a huge celebration, mostly because your parents survived your first year. I would say the next one is 5 years old or maybe 10. We all know that every teen imagines their 16^th birthday as being something special. The next big ones are 18 and then 21. It seems like once you reach 30 that birthdays are not as fun as they once were. As the numbers go higher our expectation and reason to celebrate seem to go down. I can’t imagine anyone saying they are really looking forward to turning 40, 50 or 75 years old. But then it seem like once you reach 75 years old each birthday becomes more important because you are still living.

So turning 50 is no big deal right? Lots of things are 50 this year, such at A Charlie Brown Christmas and Sarah Jessica Parker. Fifty marks half a century of living or being around. Joan Rivers made her Tonight Show debut, Mary Poppins wins 5 Oscars and Julie Andrews wins best Actress, Sonny and Cher released “I Got You Babe,” Tom & Jerry cartoon debut on CBS, the Pillsbury Doughboy is created, Days of Our Lives debuts on NBC and I was born.

Birthdays have never been very special to me. At the age of 6 my adopted mother informed me that I was too old to have parties anymore. My 10^th birthday was probably my happiest as JoBeth was dead and I was able to have the neighborhood kids over to have a homemade cake that Norma had made me. She was dating my daddy at that point and still trying to win my favor. It was the first time I had a handmade cake with icing roses on it.  I had my bridal shower on my 18^th birthday and was a mother for the first time on my 20^th birthday. I thought finding my birth mother would maybe somehow magically make me feel special. WOW, was that ever-delusional thinking, if anything finding her just allowed me to realize that not all birth mothers love their babies. Some birth mothers throw away their babies never to wonder about them again. They are able to move on as if nothing happened.

My 42^nd birthday was spent fighting cancer and then my 43^rd was spent as a grieving mother, something no one should ever have to experience. My birthday is just a very vivid reminder of the one that is not here. It is the card, the gift, the hug and the “Happy Birthday, Momy” that is never coming that makes the day so difficult. Of course my loving, wonderful family just could not let my 50^th birthday come along and not be something special. My birthday was coordinated with a Disney theme. Of course this was perfect as I love Disney and there had already been the 50^th celebration of Disney. Bill contacted a friend and together they designed a special cake for me.

Special cake made to look like 50th ears hat 

wearing 50th ears

The big gift was kept a secret and was a huge surprise as Bill planned a 24-hour getaway to Disneyland. Of course it was where I had to be right before my birthday. I spent my last day being 49 in the happiest place on earth. It is one of the places that I can feel Heather. She is everywhere there and I feel her very spirit is there and I feel peace. That peace sometimes comes in the form of tears as I “wish” so many things.

50th pins and 2 are cast members only

my card from Bill

We flew out Sunday evening and actually made it in time to go into the park and see the Parade of Lights and the Castle lit-up for the 60^th Diamond celebration. As we raced to the gate I could hear and see Heather saying “come on Momy, hurry, let go…” as she would have grabbed my arm in her arm and pulled me towards the entrance. We rode “It’s A Small World and Peter Pan.” Disney is not all about the rides as it is the sights and sounds and smells that make it feel good. Of course we went to Heather’s spot and it was as beautiful as ever and very peaceful. There was a single white daisy blooming. We stayed till they just about threw us out at 1:20am. I have to admit that I have not stayed that late in a long time.

Ta-Da!! Disneyland 8/30

going into the park area

The castle stunning as always

We first began taking the girls to Disneyland on Spring Break during the 50^th celebration. It was our first time there in a long time and it was decorated beyond anything I could imagine. Heather and I went to the Art Gallery above Pirates and saw the big Thomas Kinkade painting of the 50^th. Heather bought the 50^th Minnie Mouse and I found her yesterday. She sits well with the new 60^th Minnie I just bought. So many memories of that time and of Disneyland were made during that time.

Heather's 50th Minnie still with the tag

50th and 60th together

So, here I am, I am 50. I don’t feel 50, but the hole in my heart feels like it is 100 and that will never change. I am 50 on the outside but I am ancient on the inside. The death of a child will make you feel very, very old and gray even though you are still young. So I will be chasing 50 for the next 10 years. I just hope it doesn’t chase me too much.

Bill didn't want to come home

As sad as it was to leave, we are heading to Vancouver on the 5th and then catching the Disney Wonder to Hawaii. We will end this trip with a stay at Aulani, Disney's resort. This is truly the tip of a lifetime...

Leaving 40...

I have never been bothered by an age as I have always felt that age is just a number, all that really matters is how you feel. I would have never in a million year imagined, dreamed or thought about the life altering changes my 40’s would hold in store. I am amazed at how much crap could happen to one person during only a 10 year time period. The person I was before is not the same person I am now.

My 13th Birthday

Cheryl, Mom and me April 1983 I was 17

August 1996- in my 30's

In my 20’s, I became a mom three times, my Daddy died, we had moved twice and I located and met my birth mother. The person I was before I became a mom changed the day Jenn was born. It was no more just about me as I would love and sacrifice everything for my daughters. When my Daddy died, I became an orphan with no family left. There was no one left on this planet that knew my past since I was an only child. Moving changes everything about a family and that person since you leave all your friends, familiar surroundings and have to put yourself out there to make your way in the new place. Finding my birth mother was not the wonderful “Oprah” moment I had imagined. I learned very quickly that I was a mistake she made in her past and she wanted nothing to do with me or my girls. I also found 5 siblings that are just as messed up as their mother. In the long run, I was thankful she had chosen to throw me away from her life and allow me to be normal. Of course the child I was in my teens had grown up, moved onto being a mother and making a household for myself. The dreams of a child had been made real and were not so nice.

April 2002- in my late 30's

Heather and me-December 2002- in my late 30's

In my 30’s, most of my days, weeks and years were spent with the girls in activities, school and AWANA. We became a homeschool family and very involved with the state level of AWANA. Our weekends were spent traveling to different portions of the state to do training or events. I think this was some of the best opportunities my girls had to learn about hard work and perseverance. It was time our family spent together that I would not trade for anything. Jenn and Heather both graduated, both learned to drive and all three got their first jobs. The girls were growing and changing and of course the person I was changed again. I had to learn to let go and let the girls make their own decision and have their own consequences.

My 40th Birthday at Mall of America September 2005 

My 41st birthday Iowa, September 2006

On my 39^th birthday, I made the biggest mistake of my life in finding and speaking to my birth father. I actually called him on my birthday. There was something missing in my life and I felt that maybe my birth father might hold that key. Finding my birth mother answered a few questions but I was still searching for me. Looking back now, I was misled and fooled, which not easy to do. I let down my guard and allowed this vile, evil person into my life and into my family. I put my family in harm’s way by a very powerfully deceptive man that took us all for a ride. I flew to Iowa to spend my 40^th birthday with my birth father. Again, I believed this man cared about me. We went to Knott’s Camp Snoopy and he bought me so many things. He just couldn’t seem to spend enough money on me. Of course, what child wouldn’t love to have this kind of attention? He gave me a birthday card everyday of my visit and we had the best time ever. Little did I know that he was already checking me out sexually, just waiting for the right moment to strike.

Disneyland 50th, me and Heather March, 2006 in my 40's

My family, California Adventure March 2006

I began my 40’s thinking that life was good and I was happy. Boy, was I wrong. In 2008, when I was just barely 42, a sick child rocked my world. Suddenly, I was pushing all the doctors to find out what could be wrong. I had no way of knowing that the me I knew was fixing to disappear forever and I would have to find the most courage and strength I would ever have to have. I sat in the oncologist office as I heard the words “stage 4, blood cancer, very aggressive, hospital, spinal chemo and fight for her life.” Sitting next to me Heather was sobbing, as I would need to keep my wits to hear the words being thrown at me. The person I was suddenly was no more and I changed to become the MamaBear fighting for her baby at all costs.

Soaring October 2007 me and Heather

Heather and Me Grizzly River Run October 2007

For a brief moment in time, around my 43^rd birthday, life was good. Heather was in remission and I became a Mimi. We were all together for the birth of baby Violet, Snooks. I foolishly thought that I had survived the greatest storm of my life but the toughest fight was just about to begin. No one should become a Mimi and bury a daughter within 10 weeks of each other. The overwhelming joy mixed with unimaginable sadness is just not right. It was not fair to my family or me to have to leave behind the people we were to become the new ones we are now. We will never to be normal or whole again this side of heaven.

Heather and me Super Bowl party January 2009

Disneyland September 2012

Shortly, after all this happened, I learned the hard way that the man I had loved as a dad had very perverted ideas and expectations for me. It would be the ending of a relationship very abruptly and a call to the police. This was a very hard lesson for me to learn and accept. I felt violated in the worst way as I allowed this man to share my Heather and my Violet. I allowed him to join my family and share my life, which meant I trusted him. Never again would I allow myself to be taken advantage of by family, mine or Bill’s.

Margie and me August, 2033

Sandy and me May 2014

My 40’s seemed to end on a happy note as both girls are married, Snooks is thriving and we added my little Toodles, aka Ellie, right before I turned 49. I have gotten 3 tattoos, been to Alaska and the Bahamas, practically lived at Disneyland, made two visits to Walt Disney World, eaten at Club 33, bought a huge new truck, learned to shoot a handgun, remolded most all of our house, worked at Disney and Harkins and also recently been diagnosed with a chronic illness. My dear friend, of 37 years, Margie, die from cancer, but not before we were able to make a few more memories. I also made some huge memories with Sandy, my BFF for 45 years with a girl’s weekend at Disneyland. The end of my 40’s seemed to be better than the beginning, but Heather is never far from my memory. The person I was when I entered my 40’s disappeared the day Heather died, changed forever. The “Sherry” I was does not exist anymore, she died the same day.

Like fine wine I get better with age 2015

As I look back on my life, I am nowhere near the same person I was when I began my 20’s, 30’s or 40’s. My 40’s were some of the darkest, happiest and life-changing years of my life. You cannot go thru cancer of a child and then the death of a child and not be changed. I would like to go back and do some things over again. I would laugh longer and love deeper and make a few changes with people, but as for Heather, I would never change a thing. The moments she was in my world were life-altering and I would not give most of them back. The 33 days in ICU I would give back… But my life was enriched and made whole by Heather being in my world even though the time was short. As I look back I have learned so much and I have changed. As I leave my 40’s and reach for my 50’s I pray that these 10 years can know some peace. Somehow I don’t think it will as time doesn’t stand still for anyone and I know that deaths and cancer will invade my world again. I just hope this time it isn’t so close to home.