Many have not been able to find the new blog. I am hoping only those who support me will be going to read my blog. most family members are NOT invited to this site and will be blocked and banned if they decide to post inappropriate things. I am at the point in my life where I really don't give a hoot if you approve of my dyed hair, tattoos, my openness to say anything I please and be honest. I would rather have honest speaking people in my life instead of people who tell me one thing and then say something else behind my back.
In the nearly 9 years since Heather died we have lost almost all our friends, all our family and several life long friends that simply can't handle us grieving forever. To all of those I encourage you to have empathy instead of sympathy and learn some acceptance for things you cannot possibly understand. Have a spouse, parent or even a son or daughter in law is NOT the same as having your flesh and blood die. I have no time in my life to put up with non-supporters just because they are family or friends. we have a new group of Disney friends that have become our family. I feel badly for those who cannot share our life, our girls and our 4 amazing GRANDgirls. this is your lose not mine
https://confessionsofagrievingmother.com
Confessions of a Grieving Mother
Friday, January 12, 2018
Sunday, November 12, 2017
Good bye...
Dear Readers,
While you have faithfully read and followed this blog you have endured many of my ups and downs. Because of family members that are no longer family to us (you ALL know who you are) and stalkers I have moved my blog. If you would like to continue with me please search for the title of my second book.
Thank you to most everyone for your love and support.
To those who have left us, told us to move on, expected my husband to divorce me, stalk and then post hateful comments and thinking that she can speak as to how Heather would feel towards me- you can all kiss my ass...
While you have faithfully read and followed this blog you have endured many of my ups and downs. Because of family members that are no longer family to us (you ALL know who you are) and stalkers I have moved my blog. If you would like to continue with me please search for the title of my second book.
Thank you to most everyone for your love and support.
To those who have left us, told us to move on, expected my husband to divorce me, stalk and then post hateful comments and thinking that she can speak as to how Heather would feel towards me- you can all kiss my ass...
Thank you
Sherry
Your badass, pink haired, unicorn Princess
(Yes I am this stunning)
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
Joy, I Don't Think So...
I immediately sent Jenn and Paz my outrage in a text message
and they agreed. Then we began getting silly things with our messages but one
that they each sent me stuck out and I want to share that with you:
JENN: It’s a misuse of the concept
of joy. Joy is supposed to be unaffected by circumstances, yes, but you don’t
see in in the Bible say “Mary and Martha were mourning the loss of Lazarus with
joy.”
PAZ, then replied: “Upon finding
Lazarus in his tomb, Jesus told the people
around him that they all needed to
“let it go and let God.” Because Lazarus couldn't
have more than he could handle.” So everyone have joy.
have more than he could handle.” So everyone have joy.
I really appreciated their viewpoint and how many times
pastors abuse the word either by total stupidity of the use of the word joy or
their lack of empathy to the real side of cancer and major illnesses. There is
NOTHING nice about cancer, period!! Being the mom of a child with cancer I took
great offence at this.
JOY, REJOICE or REJOICING:
1. a deep feeling or condition of happiness or contentment
2. something causing such a feeling; a source of happiness
3. an outward show of pleasure or delight; rejoicing
When I was in high school we had a class that was a senior
requirement called “Early Adulthood.” It was a hands-on class to teach you how
to date, get married, get a job, live on a budget, etc. All the book knowledge
and fake play acting one needed to be prepared for adult life and all the
events that happened. Somehow I now think that class was lacking a few key
points. Some topics I think need to be added:
1. My 20-year-old daughter has
stage 4-blood cancer and how to survive
6 month of chemo, while the world moves on…
2. How to live 33 days while your
daughter is in ICU…
3. How to survive day to day after
your daughter dies and the world doesn’t
understand you now…
4. My husband had a heart attack
and died and now I am left alone with my
teenage son and how to survive
5. My husband has cancer now what
do I do?...
6. My married daughter with 3
children has ovarian cancer and so many
complications and how to survive over a year of surgeries and
treatments…
7. I woke up to find our infant son
dead in his crib, now what do I do?...
8. I had two children but my son-committed
suicide and my daughter was
killed in a car accident, am I still a mother?...
9. My son-in-law murdered my
daughter and my 2 grandchildren and then
blew up their house…
Each one of these things is true and happened in real life,
the life that no one prepares you for, and there is no joy in any of them. The
life that is fun and happy one minute and then can be crashing down around you
the next. When I got married and had my babies I never dreamed somewhere down
the road I would have a child with cancer and then have that child be in
remission and still die from complications. I didn’t ask for any of this but
yet I got a life makeover without my consent. No woman ever says, “I hope I get
to be a grieving mother someday.” When you are planning your future and babies
you never thing about what could happen 10, 20 even 50 years down the road to
your babies. Regardless of age they are always your babies and there is no joy with them having cancer nor in their death.
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
I Am...
Lineage-(noun) lineage descent from an ancestor;
2. The line
of descendants if a particular ancestor; family
Descent-properties attributable to your ancestry;
extraction, origin
2.
Ancestry, lineage-inherited properties shared with others of your
bloodline
So my “lineage
relatives” feel that I had no right to know that my mother died. I had no right
to be included in her obituary and basically that I don’t exist. I have news
for them, all of them, I DO EXIST! To their shame, horror or whatever I am the
secret they want swept under the rug and never mentioned again. If I am not
mentioned then I don’t exist; the whole “out of sight, out of mind” sort of
thinking.
Regardless of how they feel or what they think, I DO EXIST
and I AM THE DAUGHTER OF JANE! I cannot change the fact that I am her daughter
and she is my mother. It isn’t just my 5 half siblings that deny the fact I am
Jane’s daughter but so do all the rest of my relatives on Jane’s side. So I
thought I would share with you just how many people ignore or look the other
way or deny that Jane ever had a baby before she was married.
I am the granddaughter of George Edward Betsinger and Fern
Weisbard Betsinger Wood.
I am the niece of George Betsinger, who died in 1985, Nancy
his wife.
I am the niece of Bonnie Betsinger Cleveland and her husband
Bill (deceased)
I am the niece of Clinton (Butch) Betsinger and his wife
Pricilla
I am the niece of Judy Betsinger Mahnke Rumsey and her
current husband Glen
I am the niece of James, (Jim) Betsinger and his wife Julie
I am the cousin of Christine Betsinger, her brother Jay
Betsinger (1969-1970), and her sisters
Shawna, Melanie and Janel.
I am the cousin of William (Bill) Cleveland
I am the cousin of Michelle Betsinger and her siblings
Douglas and Randy
I am the cousin of Charles (Charlie) Mahnke (1972-2017) and
his brothers Jason and Brian
I am the cousin of Jill Betsinger and her brother Joel.
I am the sister of Lonnie Becker
I am the sister of LuAnn Becker
I am the sister of Linell Becker
I am the sister of LeEllen Becker
I am the sister of Karla Becker
I am an aunt to my siblings’ children
This is a list of the people who seem to forget the simple
process of DNA and genetics. Regardless of how they feel about me I AM THEIR
RELATIVE and I will be till my dying day. I cannot change this fact. They can
deny me in my mother’s obituary and refuse to accept me as a relative but the
simple fact that my mother gave me life ends the argument.
Jane stayed in Iowa till August, then she was sent to live
with an Aunt and Uncle in Colorado for the remainder of her pregnancy. Dr. Waldon Kurtz first saw Jane on August
20th. My mother went into labor at 38 weeks gestation and I was born at 10:39pm
on September 1st. The cord was wrapped around my neck once; I weighted 7lbs and
2 ½ oz. and was 20 ½ inches long. There were no other children and no other pregnancies, I was the first one.
A portion of my birth certificate-Baby Girl Betsinger!!! |
I am the ghost that my siblings, especially my sisters have
lived with all their lives. They told me when we were speaking, that they
always wondered why when they watched a show where a birth mother was reunited
with her baby, Jane would tell them that if they got pregnant they would never
be giving away a baby. They wondered why she would get emotional and say that
every time…simple, she had done it. I have been a part of their family from
before they were born and they never knew what it was; well it was me. It was
me that was always in the back of her mind and it was me she talked about last
year when she nearly died. Despite what my lineage relatives think I have
always been a part of my mother’s life from the moment I was conceived. Because
if I was not in her heart, mind and thoughts then that makes her an evil,
heartless woman and according to her children and her obituary that isn’t who
Jane was…
Friday, February 17, 2017
The Death of My Mother...
BIOLOGICAL MOTHER: Biological mother for humans, as in other
mammals, occurs when a pregnant female gestates a fertilized ovum, or egg.
Gestation occurs in the woman’s uterus until the baby is sufficiently developed
enough to be born and then the woman experiences labor and gives birth.
Mother noun
1.
A female
parent
Verb
1.
To care
for; to protect
Motherhood noun
1.
The
state of being a mother
Motherless adjective
1.
Having
no mother
Motherly adjective
1.
Like a
mother; or suitable to be a mother
Mothers are supposed to be
faithful companions and confidants in the most difficult of circumstances that
their children find themselves in. All their children not just some of their
children. Most mothers dedicate their lives to caring and providing for their
children both physically and emotionally. During the hardest trials and times
of a child’s life they always look to return to the loving caring arms of a
mother.
“A mother’s arms are more
comforting that anyone else’s.”
~Princess Diana
My mother, Jane, and I had a
very distant and non-existent relationship. During the most difficult time of
my life, when my daughter, my child, my flesh and blood had cancer I turned to
my mother for love and support. What I wanted was for her to fly out here and
hug me, to support me and tell me everything would be okay. But that didn’t
happen. NO, I never asked, but I should not have had to ask. My sisters emailed
me and asked me not to leave mom out that she didn’t know what to do. So, that
is understandable since we had a strained relationship. How could I expect her
to fly to see a daughter she had never visited before and a sick granddaughter
she didn’t know?
When Heather threw a blood
clot to her brain, I thought that was the worst and most scary day of my life.
When things calmed down I called my mother looking for comfort, love and
encouragement. She was not home and I left my number; as of today nearly 3,214
days later I am still waiting for that call from my mother. Of course we became
estranged again during my daughter, her granddaughter’s cancer treatments.
However, when Heather was in ICU everything that happened in the past didn’t
matter anymore. Heather, my mother’s granddaughter, was dying and still
nothing. Jane, my mother, had a granddaughter die and she never called or attempted
to come to her funeral. There is a statement that says you can miss a birthday
or even a wedding, but no one misses a funeral. It is seen as socially
unacceptable. To me, this was unacceptable on any and all levels of basic human
nature and caring.
So why then when I learned on
Wednesday, 15th that my mother died on Sunday, 12th was I
shocked and brought to tears. No, no sibling called me, as I am sure they felt
I had no right to know. Well, regardless of anything that happened Jane is, was
and always will be my mother. Period, end of story. I was her first baby, the
first one to grow inside her body. It is a proven fact that the baby’s DNA or
genetic material remains with the mother inside her body for the rest of her
life. I know that during my mother’s illness last year that she did talk about
me. I know this may be a very hard fact for my siblings, especially my sisters,
to understand but I was probably never, ever out of my mother’s thoughts.
With the death of my mother,
my dreams of a foolish child of ever having a loving mother came to an end. For
51 years I have kept the naïve thought that maybe one day my mother and I could
have a relationship. Well, one day is gone forever. My mother’s obituary did
not mention me, her 3 additional granddaughters or 3 additional great
granddaughters. It did not mention the fact that Heather, her granddaughter,
preceded her in death. It was a list of all her good works and deeds in a
boastful bragging manner and sang her praises as the most loving and caring
mother and grandmother the world had even known. “She loved spending as much time as she could with her family, in
particular, her grandchildren. Jane never missed an activity that her children
and grandchildren were involved in.”
Except for fighting cancer
and dying for her granddaughter, Heather, when she was nowhere to be found.
Except for the endless hours of doctors appointments, hospitals, shots and
chemo that I, her daughter, dealt with for 6 months and then the final 33 days
in ICU, when she was nowhere to be found. My sisters think that I am far away
from their thoughts as well, but I promise every time they see a bruise or a
swollen lymph node they think of me and they think it could happen to them too.
During the last almost 8
years since my beautiful Heather died I have had no mother to comfort me, to
hug me or allow me to cry with her. While I have had other people fill this
role, it doesn’t excuse the longing for the woman who gave birth to me to hold
me and shed tears that her granddaughter died. I am saddened by the death of my
mother. For 51 years I have lived without a loving mother and now my sisters
can share and live the rest of their lives without a loving mother as well.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Racing Towards the 10th Year...
April 10, 2008 my world changed forever. I heard the words " your daughter has stage 4 very aggressive cancer." It was roughly 4ish in the afternoon. This is the day cancer entered my world officially. While "I" was not the one with cancer, it could have been me since it was my child and my heart. I claim this day as the day cancer entered my world and changed me forever. No, chemo did not go thru my body and i did not get sick and lose my hair, but Heather did and I was there every single moment of this ordeal.
If you have been a peep for any amount of time you know that when a milestone anniversary comes along I have to "mark" it with something extraordinary. This upcoming 2018 10th anniversary of cancer is no different to me. (Again I did not have cancer but I will mark these dates)
In May, 2015, I ran a 10K at Disneyland and then went into the park for about 30,000 steps that day. Huge mistake and it sent me into a huge Fibromyalgia flare but it finally led to a diagnosis and medical help. This has taken me nearly 2 years to finally get back to "feeling" like me and have some energy. Stress is a huge flare inducer but I was predestined to have this and I blame my birth mother, cancer and Heather for dying.
Meeting up with Scott after 30 years... |
I am making new lifestyle changes this year to get my cholesterol back in control and this includes diet and exercise. I have about 12 pounds I need to lose. For me I can workout and be effective but if I have something to work towards I do better.
Starting corral very early in the morning |
Stopping to take a photo in front of the castle |
Until today I have been toying with the idea of running 2 half marathons in 2018 to mark the 10th anniversary of cancer. I wanted to do this to be able to get the "coast to coast" medal from Disney. This means I need to run a half marathon in Florida at WDW and one in California at Disneyland and of course there are lots of races to pick from, but I have chosen my two that I want to run for this milestone year.
Minnie's house and her cute mailbox |
Heading into California Adventure Boardwalk |
I chose the Princess Half Marathon at WDW for February 2018 because this is sponsored by the Children's Miracle Network and they support kids with cancer. I thought this was perfect on the Princess end and also the cancer end. Today, I got my final confirmation that this is meant to be for me to do. Next year, 2018, is the 10th anniversary of this race. So the 10th race year and 10th cancer year...it is perfect.
The medals to prove we DID IT!!! |
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The miles and stats |
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The Route |
The next race will be the Disneyland Half in September. I am very pumped for this challenge and hope that everyone will support me and all my ups and down as I begin this next "crazy" idea. I am open for anyone who would like to join Bill and me as we run, walk and crawl to the finish line. It would be a great way to get in shape and have some Disney fun. Registration for the Princess half Marathon is May 2, 2017 for the race February 22-25, 2018.
"If you dream a thing more than once, it's sure to come true..."
~Aurora, Sleeping Beauty~
Thursday, November 24, 2016
Thanksgiving...
Thanksgiving
in 1987 was very different from years past. I was pregnant with what I
suspected was another girl. Bill and I had a bet that if I was right I got a
dual cassette AM/FM stereo radio for the kitchen and if he was right he got a
fishing reel he has been looking at for some time. Little known to each of us
we bought each other the gifts for the bet or Christmas, whichever came first.
Jenn was 5 days late and I was expecting the same thing with the second baby.
I decided
that since I might either have a newborn or be extremely pregnant that I needed
to get Christmas decorations put up early and all of our family Christmas gifts
bought and wrapped. This would prove to be a very good decision.
For my
entire life up to that point we had either been home or at someone’s house for
Thanksgiving dinner. However, I decided I did not wish to cook anything
including a side dish to take to any friend that might have asked us to come
dine. So, for the first time ever we went out to Furrs Cafeteria for our Thanksgiving
dinner in 1987. It proved to be a good decision as Heather Nicole made her
entrance exactly 2 weeks later to the day.
Thanksgiving
in 2009 was very different from years past. I had been a grieving mother for a
little over 7 months when Thanksgiving came. I did not want to cook or be
invited to anyone’s house to “be thankful.” Yes, I had lots to be thankful for
however, there was one missing and my life would never be the same again.
For the
past 10 years I cooked most all Thanksgiving dinners. I made the entire turkey
with all the trimmings including pies for up to 22 people each year. Since
Bill’s mom died in 2005, I had gone overboard to decorate, have fresh flowers
and all the food for family. I did not mind and felt I was very good at hospitality
and I cooked just like Bill’s mom. (So the family loved my cooking) But in 2009
I wanted nothing to do with any cooking, baking, decorating or anything else
that had to do with a holiday. For only the second time ever our family, small
and torn, went to the buffet for Thanksgiving dinner.
Here it is
2016 and I have no idea how we have gotten here. In 2009 I thought I would
never survive the year and here it is 8th Thanksgiving without
Heather. The tradition of making the formal Thanksgiving dinner has gone out
the window since I worked at the Disney Store for a season. The tradition of
taking the photo of Jenn, Heather and Wendy in front of the Christmas tree died
when Heather did. Wendy was pregnant with Snooks while Heather wore her wig as
she pushed to have the sisters take the photo with the tree. Who knew this
would be the last photo like this.
This
Thanksgiving season I have a lot to be thankful for, but I still find it hard
to see the posts on Facebook of families having a fun time together. That was
supposed to be us! We were supposed to get the fairy tale ending! Heather’s chair is forever missing at our
holiday table, so are her husband and her children. When Heather died I lost a
portion of my future and nothing is normal anymore. Wendy is out of state,
Snooks is at her dad’s, Jenn is nearly 7 months pregnant and I am not feeling
this holiday season at all. There have been some difficult struggles and I am
not in a holiday mood. For only the third time ever I did not cook, or bake and
we out to a buffet for dinner.
I would
like to say that time heals the heart and makes the hurt lessen but for me it
doesn’t. When you sit at your holiday table look around and be thankful for the
members that are there as it all could change in a moments notice.
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