Confessions of a Grieving Mother

CHANGE...

2012-01-10T09:08:00.000-08:00

It seems that I can go weeks with not much to write about and then there are weeks when I could write everyday about something different happening in my life. I am behind in keeping up with all the events that have happened in our family since Thanksgiving. I think I will take some time to write about all the different things going on in my life and mind right now.

CHANGE:

1. The act, process, or result of altering or modifying: a change in facial expression.

2. The replacing of one thing for another; substitution: a change of atmosphere; a change of ownership.

3. A transformation or transition from one state, condition, or phase to another: the change of seasons.

4. Something different; variety: ate early for a change.

5. A different or fresh set of clothing.

Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the Phoenix

~Christina Baldwin~

Good parents give their children roots and wings. Roots to know where home is, wings to fly away and exercise what’s been taught them.

~Jonas Salk~

As parents we raise our children with the hope of them someday leaving home and beginning their lives and families. You hope that you trained and taught them enough to be successful adults. You hope that you have instilled your wisdom, values and faith in them to be taught to the next generation.

I have never felt that I really wanted my children to leave. I enjoy having my grown children around and doing things with them. I like the fact that I can see my children every day. Especially when Heather died it was a huge comfort to have my remaining children at home. When a momma bear loses one of her cubs she pulls the other kids closer and will fight to the death to keep them safe.

Wendy's room empty

But with all things changes happen. Wendy and Pea aka Snookie aka Violet, moved into their own apartment with Steven. While these are the wings I have always tried to give to Wendy. It is just hard to see them “fly” away. The most difficult part was not to see my Snookie every morning and night. I am very attached to my Snookie. She is such a joy to my world. Not many Mimi’s get to spend nearly every day of their granddaughter’s life together. I got to enjoy feeding, bathing, seeing her changing, rocking, playing, putting her to bed, getting up with in the night and loving her to death. I got to see her changing every day. It was a true blessing for me.

The stairs to Snookie's New House

All ready for Christmas..Pea by the stockings

Snookie is doing very well in her “new” house. She loves it but still seems to be a bit confused about Mimi and Papa and GiGi not living with her. She still comes into our house and says she will go to her room. Our house will always feel like home to her. She will be very comfortable coming and staying with us when she gets older.

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself

~Andy Warhol~

"Guest" room

Shelf covered with Mouse stuff

The guest room is the room that Wendy lived in for over 17 years. Basically the only room and house she remembers. She moved into her room when she was nearly 4 years old. It has changed several times over the year and the cat mural I painted years ago is covered over by several coats of paint. There are now two twin beds and more Disney stuff in the room. It is weird to call it the guest room; it will be Wendy’s room for as long as we live in this house.

A view of my "office"

My “office” is the room that Heather lived in for 14 years and Snookie lived in for nearly 3 years. It is very difficult to call it my office. I am not sure what to call the room actually. The bunny mural that Heather hated for me to paint over has a couple different coats of pink paint covering it. Pink was one of Heather’s signature colors for sure. I put many of her things back in the room. It is close to the way it was when she died. When I first put everything in the room I was brought to tears as it should be that Heather would walk into her room at any time. I thought I was going to have to take her things down and change the room completely. But with time I have gotten very comfortable with the way it looks. Is it a shrine? I am not sure. In a year it may change again. And I can do that too and move on but for now it is nice to have Heather’s things out so I can see them.

Out with the old and on with the new

What a mess

All the changes over the years

The bathroom that Heather shared with Jenn and Wendy needed to be redone a couple years ago to be honest. When Wendy moved it gave me the opportunity to paint and change the bathroom. The last time I painted the bathroom was in May 2005 for Heather’s graduation. It was bittersweet to peel the wallpaper off the wall and to think about the pink polka dots going away. This proved to be a very long process as I had to steam and scrap the old wallpaper border off the walls. It took me over a month to finish this task that could have been completed in a week. I think it just took me time to say goodbye to the bathroom that Heather used and loved. This was a huge step forward for change.

Still have polka dot...

Feels very good to be a solid color

The final stage of change for the holiday season was to remodel the kitchen. I am not sure why I needed to have a new kitchen. I need new carpeting and several other things probably more but for some reason I needed to do the kitchen. Here again it was saying goodbye to the kitchen where Heather had been. To the kitchen she had cooked in and the kitchen that was here when she was here. To change the rooms, bathroom and kitchen was to move forward without Heather. I purchased all new appliances, got new counter tops and then changed the color from blue to red and added Mickey Mouse accents to it now. I love love love the counter tops. They are laminate but look like granite. Of course I managed to pick the most expensive, top of the line materials. I picked decorative edges to give it a modern feel. I also got a new breakfast nook table and chairs in black and brown. I love the new feel of things in the house now.

Old Kitchen-17 years old

New kitchen

Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me

~Carol Burnett~

Things are moving forward and changing and I cannot do anything to stop it. I can either move with it or I can stay in the past and become a weirdo. It is very difficult to explain how moving forward and making changes are very difficult to do for a grieving mother. All the things that I changed were things that were in the house when Heather was living. To change or get rid of them is to loss a memory of her. While no one can take my memories away it is moving forward without her. I know that Heather would be thrilled and love all the changes that I have made. She would not want me to get stuck in the past. Hanging onto memories with one hand and then hanging onto Heather with the other hand is beginning to stretch me to the point that I have to begin to let go of something. They both are pulling in the opposite direction and slipping from my fingers. Which is…fine actually…

Becca: Does it ever go away?
Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't - has gone on for eleven years.

But it changes though.
Becca: How?
Nat: I don't know... the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be aweful - not all the time. It's kinda...
[deep breath]
Nat: not that you'd like it exactly, but it's what you've got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And uh... it doesn't go away. Which is...
Becca: Which is what?
Nat: Fine, actually.

~Rabbit Hole~

Sisters..the Forgotten Mourners...

2012-01-04T16:13:00.000-08:00

“But you went away

How dare you?

I miss you

They say I’ll be ok

But I’m not going to ever get over you…”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OeHS6CLUoV0

Miranda Lambert has never met her brother-in-law Richie Shelton. That’s because her husband Blake Sheldon’s older brother was killed in a car accident in 1990, when Blake was just 14. The fact that Richie has been dead for over 20 years does not stop Lambert from being affected by his death. Lambert says that her husband’s pain is her pain. The late, great Richie Shelton also inspired the song ‘Over You’ from Lambert’s ‘Four the Record.’ Turns out, the couple wrote the song together.

“Blake’s brother was killed instantly in a car accident at 24, when Blake was 14,” Lambert revealed. “And one day he just opened up and was talking to me about it. And then he was playing this pretty little melody and we started adding words. I said, ‘You went away,’ and Blake said, ‘How dare you,’ and we both started crying.”

That was a first for Lambert, who admitted that she has never cried when penning a tune before. But it was her relationship with Shelton that made her so emotional. “Now that I’m so close to him, it’s my pain, too,” she said.

Shelton suggested that Lambert record the song instead of him, because it was just too hard for him. “He said, ‘I think it’s better if you record it. Honestly, I don’t think I can get through singing it every night onstage, so what’s the point?’” Lambert revealed. “I love that song, and I feel like it’s time for me to show I have that side of me that’s vulnerable and hurting for someone else. It’s one of our favorite songs.”*

“Living alone here in this place
I think of you, and I’m not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
Cause you sing along
With every song
I know you didn’t mean to give them to me…”

“SISTERS” was a television drama which aired on NBC for six seasons from 1991 to 1996. “SISTERS” focused on four sisters living in Winnetka, Ill. Having always wanted sons, their father had called the girls by the male version of their full names. (Alexandria, Alex; Theodora, Teddy; Georgiana, Georgie; and Francesca, Frankie)

In one of the first episodes the adult sisters are fighting and the mother steps in and breaks them up. She is outraged that her girls could possibly act that way towards each other. During this moment the mother says the most profound statement that I have ever heard. I used to repeat it to my three girls all the time. It is so very true and makes very good sense. It goes:

“Parents will die, husbands and lovers will leave you, but your sister is the only one who knows and loves you from cradle to grave.”

I realize that this is supposed to be a blog about a grieving mother, but there are other wounded parties when a child dies. It is the siblings that are left behind. The “forgotten mourners.” They are told to be strong for their parents. They have to live with the new parents they are left with as they remember the old parents. They have a hole in their family and their heart that can never be filled again by anyone. For my girls Heather was in the middle, the peanut butter with the two slices of bread. She held the sister together. She could act older and mature like Jenn, but then could get Jenn to loosen up and show her silly side. Heather could turn around and be a cut up and act silly with Wendy, but then get her to be serious and settle down. Heather was Jenn’s little sister, the one she called “dapper-boopers”, and tried to be the big sister even though Heather almost always stood taller than Jenn from about 2 year of age on. Heather was Wendy’s big sister, the one Wendy followed and wanted to be with even though Heather wanted to give Wendy away. They eventually grew to love each other.

Jenn and Wendy have to fight with each other for attention but now they have a ghost they have to contend with as well. In everyone eyes, both parent’s and sister’s, Heather is now perfect. No one can live up to the ideal person we all now have to remember in our hearts. It isn’t that I tried to put Heather up so high, it just happens. If Jenn and Wendy were honest they would admit that Heather is now the perfect sister and now the other remaining sister will never live up to the memory of Heather. We all did not plan to do this, but it just happens. If I think long and hard I can come up with some issues that Heather and I had, it just isn’t the first thought in my mind. I am sure all the sisterly quarrels are far removed from their minds as well.

I was allowed to grieve for Heather and take my time as I still mourn for her. Siblings are required to take a minimal amount of time and then return to their normal lives. They were told to be strong for your mom, she needs you right now. Just like I have to answer how many kids do I have, they have to answer how many siblings do you have? To some they may share about their loss and then to others it is just easier to answer and let it drop. It is a fine line of holding onto Heather and learning to let go without your sister beside you to share in all the moments that are supposed to be shared. We all are heading towards the 3 year mark. The years keep coming and I can do nothing to stop them. For me and I am sure for them it is not any easier today than it was April 20, 2009.

"It's odd ... Being this proud but at the same time wishing it never had to be written," he wrote. "I still miss my brother every day. Every single day."…Tweet by Blake Sheldon on “Over You” and his brother. It has been 21 years and it isn’t any easier for him either.*

If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child. ~Linda Sunshine

*(Taste of Country, RTTNews, KILT Radio interviews with Miranda Lambert and Blake Sheldon)

All the Fuss About New Year's Day...

2012-01-02T13:48:00.000-08:00

New Year is the time at which a new calendar year begins and the calendar's year count is incremented. For many cultures, the event is celebrated in some manner. The New Year of the Gegorgian calendar, today in worldwide use, falls on 1 January, continuing the practice of the Roman calendar. There are numerous calendars that remain in regional use that calculate the New Year differently.

The order of months in the Roman calendar has been January to December since King Numa Pompilius  in about 700 BC, according to Plutarch and Macrobius. According to Catholic tradition, 1 January is the day of the circumcision of Jesus (on the eighth day of his birth), when the name of Jesus was given to him (Luke 2:21).

It was only relatively recently that 1 January became the first day of the year in Western culture.Up to 1751 in England and Wales (and all the British dominions) the New Year started on 25 March.

The Chinese New Year also known as the Lunar New Year, occurs every year on the new moon of the first lunar month, about four to eight weeks before spring. The exact date can fall anytime between 21 January and 21 February of the Gregorian calendar
Babylonian New Year began with the first New Moon after the Vernal Equinox.
New Year's Day in the Sikh Nanakshahi calendar is on 14 March.
The Assyrian New Year, called Rish Nissanu, occurs on the first day of April.

Everyone speaks of the New Year with such promise and hope to begin again. They made mistakes in the past year and it seems fitting that a brand New Year is the best time to make new resolutions and start all over. I am gonna eat less, exercise more, spend less money, spend more time with family, stop smoking, stop gambling, get a better job, take a vacation and try to greatly improve the old me. While we all look to the New Year with great expectations, most of the things we promise or swear we are going to do usually fall short about a week into the New Year. They say that anything you do for two solid weeks becomes a habit and you can keep it better. Most resolutions are over before Jan 3 or 4 come around.

There are many New Year’s Day that come around in your life if you think hard enough. It isn’t just the beginning of the new calendar year; it could be your birthday as you begin the New Year of your new age, your anniversary as you begin the New Year of your marriage or it could be as simple as the New Year since Easter was here. It always begins a New Year for me on April 20. I begin the next 365 days without Heather. Just in case you didn’t know this is a Leap Year, so I get to spend an extra day this year without Heather. It will take me 366 days this year to reach a New Year.

In 2009, I know that Heather’s New Year resolution was she wanted to live. Period! End! Nothing more she just wanted to survive the year with her health. But not long into the year she knew something was wrong and everyone knows how her story ended. Not the ending that anyone wanted or expected in 2009.

With the beginning of a New Year it becomes further and further away that Heather lived. The New Year is approached with dread as it goes from 1 year to 2 years and then 3 years and so on. The end of the current year means I have passed all the days without Heather again. 365 days of Mondays thru Sundays and every holiday of the year have come and gone. 365 days of missing Heather, missing her smile, her eyes, listening to her voice, to her play the piano or be upset about the jerk at Circle K. Her imagine becomes harder to see in my mind and her voice is muffled so I can’t quite hear the way it sounded. I have photos and some video but these in no way replace having her here.

My New Year resolutions don’t match up with the rest of the world’s ideas and expectations as to what they should be. I want to hang onto Heather and her memory with everything I have, but I want to let go so maybe it might not hurt so bad all the time. I want people to be understanding that I am simply not going to get over IT, but I also want people to treat me as if I am just like everyone else that are not a grieving mother. I want everyone who knew Heather to remember her every day and talk about her not just on the death day and her birthday.

With each passing moment of 2012 Heather is with me. Nearly every store I go into, or show I watch there is something to remind me of Heather. I see very few movies that I do not end up shedding a tear because it has touched a chord with my heart. It will be this way for me for as long as I continue to live. The old year or the New Year is not going to make any difference. Most of the time I want to cancel all of the months and holidays of the year and New Year’s Day is no different. Everyone is so happy, they have a clean slate to begin making strides or mistakes in. People ask me if I have any new resolutions…I smile and say not really. Most people will not understand when I say I just want to survive the year. Everyone is surviving from day to day, but I am surviving from one memory to the next, one holiday to the next and one day without Heather to the next…

I Never Imagined...

2011-12-23T17:05:00.000-08:00

It never entered my mind when talking about chemo treatments that many are required to be given in the hospital. It was my naïve thoughts as to what it meant to go through chemo treatments. I had known several people who had chemo and their treatments were done as outpatient procedures in one day. When Dr. Fastenberg first was telling me everything that we had to do I went totally numb and could not process it all. I didn’t understand what he meant by in hospital chemo every 21 days. We had great plans to make trips and do things to make the chemo process fly by. Of course those plans were not to happen. The HYPER-CVAD chemo plan was so much more than my small mind was able to process. What would I have done different? Lots of things…I would have taken video and a bazillion photos of her journey. I would have worried less about the house and cooking and spent more time breaking the rules and letting Heather have fun during her time off. We would have snuck out of the hospital more to enjoy Dairy Queen blizzards and I would have found a mattress store to jump on the beds to the count of triskaidekaphobia. (The fear of the number 13)

It never entered my mind when I began planning for the Grand Duchess Survivor ball that that would really be her wedding I was planning. It seemed so normal to me to have a huge celebration to mark the end of chemo treatments. I was told by the hospital staff that my kind of celebration is not done by anyone they have ever heard of. I guess I think out the box. What would I have done different? Lots of things…I would have taken video from beginning to end of the event and gotten a photographer to take a bazillion photos, allowed Heather to invite anyone and everyone she knew even if it was going to be 1000 people and I would have had 100’s of flowers all around.

It never entered my mind when I planned the trip to Disneyland for Heather’s 21^st birthday that this would be her last birthday and her last trip to Disneyland. It just seemed like the best place to celebrate a milestone birthday after such a tough year. We had lunch with the Princesses and had a personal Disney crew member show us around and get us on rides. We stayed at the Disneyland hotel and overall had a great time. The one thing that was done that I always wanted was the silhouette cut out of the three girls. Glad this time I made the girls go get this done. What would I have done different? Lots of things…I would have taken hours of video and a bazillion photos. I think I would have spent the huge amount of money to stay at the Grand Californian to give Heather the royal treatment. I would have bought anything and everything she wanted in the stores and yes even more stuffed Mickey and Minnie Mouses.

It never entered my mind when I was buying for Christmas in 2008 that it would be Heather’s last Christmas. I bought her several things from her list that she would make for me each year but nothing that really made the holiday stand out. The biggest thing I am thankful for is that I made dinner before we went to family’s house for dinner…Yes, I made a ham with all the trimmings. Looking back now that was very important that I was able to do that I did decide that year to put up the BIG tree. Heather helped me put the tree together and then put on the 1500 lights. It was great fun to do that with her. We also had a Christmas open house for Jenn and Heather’s church friends complete with lots of homemade goodies. What would I have done different? Lots of things…I would have taken more video and photos of every single moment and tried to find something super special to give her for Christmas.

It never entered my mind that on that Friday morning when Heather was more like herself that she had been in a long time that was the last lucid conversation I would have with her. I won’t say what our last conversation was about for it still makes me mad that so much time was spent talking about something. I would have held her and looked into her eyes and told her over and over again how much she meant to me and made sure she understood what I was saying…

It DID enter my mind right before she was placed on the vent that my last words to her and hers to me were I love you…I really didn’t have good feelings about what was happening.

Am I writing to tell you to spend everything you have on your kids and grandkids for birthdays and Christmas??? No I am not, but what I am saying is make sure you have no regrets later for the would of, could of, should of done or said something. Especially at this time of year I think it is important to remember our blessings and how fragile and precious life really is. Everything in your world can be changed in the blink of an eye…

Holiday Grieving Bill of Rights...

2011-12-21T00:54:00.000-08:00

by Bruce Conley
Author, Handling the Holidays

1. You have the right to say, “TIME OUT!”, anytime you need to. This may mean stepping away from the holidays and giving yourself an opportunity to blow off some steam and start over. This year I only put up a one tree and Heather's nativity set. No stockings or anything else. Because of so many different things changing all at this time of the season, this was all I managed to do and I am fine with it. In 28 years of marriage I have never had such a small amount of decorations. I am good with it for this year.

Sleeping Beauty Castle

2. You have the right to TELL IT LIKE IT IS. When people ask, “How are you….?” You have the right to tell them how you really feel. If you want to tell them you are “fine” because you don’t think they will understand, that is okay too. Some people I share Heather with and other people it is just screw on my smile and act as if everything is just fine. People seem to need to hear that I am ok and fine and doing just great. So that is the answer I give them. I share my true feelings with very few close peeps.

Our Tree and me

3. You have the right to some “BAH HUMBUG” days. If you don’t feel like singing Christmas carols, that is okay.The biggest thing I have heard over the past few weeks is that I need to change and move on. Well, I cannot move on. I am sorry. Imagine yourself spending your holidays without a child forever. Not because they moved away or at the in-laws house this time. But never ever will your holiday be complete again this side of heaven. I am not fine with spending the holidays without Heather...

Entrance to Disneyland with train station

4. You have the right to DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY. You can change some of your traditions. You can have the holiday meal at someone else’s house. You can choose not to decorate at all. Christmas was celebrated on Tuesday night the 20th. This was the only night before we left that the whole family could be together. We went to Chipotle for dinner and there was no dessert, no eggnog or candy. We did gifts at Wendy and Steven's new apartment. And it was wonderful.

Snookie enjoys her princess castle form Mimi and Papa

5. You have the right to BE WHERE YOU WANT TO BE. You do not have to stay home. You can have the holidays anywhere you want.This year we will be going to Williams Arizona to ride The Polar Express for Christmas Eve. We will be staying at a hotel meaning I am not cooking dinner. I really wanted to do something completely different and away for the holidays this year. I needed to change for the sake of change and not doing the normal things again.

It's A Small World

6. You have a right to SOME FUN! It is okay to laugh and have fun. Don’t worry what others will think if they see you having a good time. Laughter is just as important and healing as tears.Bill and I just returned from Disneyland. We laughed and had a good time. there were a few moments of bittersweet as we went to our spot and then saw the castle all lit up. But it was a good time away right before the Christmas holiday. We were able to relax and have some fun. We also met up with some good friends that just happened to be there at the same time as us. They had never really been to Disneyland and it was great fun to see Disney thru a newbies eyes.

KaSaundra and Holden Davis

7. You have the right to CHANGE DIRECTION IN MID-STREAM. Grief is UNPREDICTABLE. You never know when the wave may hit you especially during the holiday season. If you are having a bad day and feel overwhelmed, it is okay to change your plans.In the middle of all the holiday doings, I remodeled my kitchen. All new appliances and countertops. this was a huge undertaking so close to the holiday season. But it looks wonderful and feels good to have something new. But I don't really suggest a remodel at Christmas time.

Main Street Square Christmas Tree

8. You have a right to DO THINGS AT DIFFERENT TIMES. Go to church at a different time. Eat at a different time. Open presents at a different time. I don't even begin to know what the plan is for Christmas Eve and Day. I do know that we will be stopping at the Outlet shops in Anthem to just kick around and window shop for a while on the way up. No idea where or what we will eat.

Looking up at the tree

9. You have the right to REST, PEACE and SOLITUDE. You don’t have to be busy all the time. Take time to rest, meditate or pray.Coming home will be downtime to go to the gym and movies before the new year begins. My dad will be coming and school beginning in January and then time will be all scheduled for me till May. Also thinking of taking a small trip to Disneyland with the entire family in January to rest as well and just have more fun. yes, Disneyland is my favorite place in the whole world. It will be our 5th trip this year.

Heather's Spot at night

10. You have the right TO DO IT ALL DIFFERENT AGAIN NEXT YEAR. You can keep the changes you make in your holidays or you may decide you want to try something different.I have no idea what 2012 will bring. I do know that with each passing holiday that keeps coming, Heather gets further away from when she was here.


The most beautiful Christmas lights ever

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL...

Roses in December...

2011-12-14T22:36:00.000-08:00

“God gave us memories so that we can have roses in December…”

~J.M. Barrie~

Whenever you hold an event whether it is a large party of some kind or simply attending church on Sunday, you are bound to hear amazing stories of how the people were in attendance. I would like to share with you several stories from the blood drive this past weekend.

The first story is about Taylor. We met this young man last year when he just happened to sign up for a blood drive as part of his family’s tradition of doing for others during the holidays. He had no idea when he signed up that the drive was in honor of Heather. Bill talked with Taylor while he was waiting and told him Heather’s story. This year Taylor was the first one to sign up for the event. Taylor also found out that he has a blood type that newborn babies need. He is a regular donor about every 12 weeks. He received a phone call in October asking for him to come donate blood. Taylor replied that he had a very special event that he had to donate blood for and would he be able to donate then if he did in October. They told him he would not and he declined the offer. Someone Taylor never ever met has made such an impact on him that he has to share in our event every year.

The next story is about a couple that was simply going shopping at Arizona Mills Mall and his wife told him they needed to come donate blood. As he was donating he was talking with Bill and asked him if this was something special because of all the balloons and cake. Bill told him it was in memory and honor of Heather, our daughter, and it was her birthday today. This man then went on to tell about his 16 year old niece that had died of Leukemia about 5 years ago. They both were so moved by someone they have never met that he took my email and said they would be back next year to donate again.

Heather’s piano teacher, Fran, said this was the first time she had ever been able to donate an entire unit of blood. Our youngest was one of Heather’s first students when she began teaching piano. This was Kale’s first experience and we hope that at 16 he is very proud of the hero in him for helping people this season. Steven was not too sure about giving blood but managed to look away the whole time and gave a power red (meaning he nearly gives 2 units). We were very thankful to David our good friend who came before work and give a power red in 23 minutes. The techs said it might have been a new record. We had several first time donors with Jenn, Wendy, Naomi, Barbara, Sarah and Annette. Repeat donors are Tom, Bill, Alice, Julie, Kerry, Judy, Jason, Sarah, Carla and Ann. Those of us that tried and were not able to make it past the interview process for high pulses, or antibiotics will try again next year.

Wendy chillin'

Jenn was successful this time

I am very proud to announce that Heather’s Birthday Blood Drive collected 30 units of blood, 9 of which were power reds. We had 38 people sign in and try to donate. In two years we have collected a total of 47 units of blood, and 15 sets of power reds. I cannot begin to tell you how proud I am of everyone who comes to donate, everyone who tries and everyone who shows up to support us on drive day.

Steven looks away

Kale found the Hero in him....

This year was different than last year and maybe it was because the drive was on Heather’s actual birthday. I woke up Saturday morning and wanted to cancel the whole day. The amount of gloom and not wanting to face the day was weighing heavy on me. As I lay in bed for a few more moments, I began to think of everyone who might need blood this season and decided I needed to get up. The day went remarkably well and we did not have any problems. The staff with United Blood Services was thrilled with the amount of blood we were able to donate. I made sure that everyone signed a balloon that came during the day and even the staff signed this year. The highlight of the day is at the end when we release the balloons. There is something so healing about holding a balloon, letting go and watching it drift towards heaven. It almost feels like Heather reaches down and gathers them to read in heaven.

Snookie naps after too much party

The day was over nearly as fast as it had begun. It was a good day but a very difficult day. The questions that surround this day seem a bit crazy to me. After I have celebrated the 3^rd birthday without Heather has it gotten any easier?…that answer is NO!!! Not only NO!!! But in some ways it feels like this year was more difficult. She has been gone longer. A birth-day is a joyous day when a new baby comes into the world. Each year after the birth-day, I would plan a party to celebrate the day Heather was born. From Minnie Mouse, to Belle, to a formal tea party, to the final celebration at Disneyland, each birthday had cake, balloons, gifts and spending the day with my girl. Now, I have memoires of each of those birthdays, photos of them as well, but no girl to share it with. Heather will remain 21 forever, even though her birth-day continues to come round each year.

A few have asked if we should be dwelling so much on Heather and maybe we should move forward. I have news for everyone…we have moved forward in great leaps and abounds according to other grieving parents who can barely function years after their adult child died. I think personally I am allowed to be sad, or grieve or go back to the past on heather’s birthday and her death day. In my way of honoring and remembering Heather we saved over 90 lives this holiday season. My gift was a gift to other in memory of Heather. Honestly if she were here, she would have been walking up and down the bus making jokes at everyone who had needles in their arms and saying “you can’t stick me, I had mine…ha ha ha..” She would be very proud to know that we are doing something so positive to help the entire community on her birthday. How many of us can say that about our own birthdays?

Memories....

2011-12-09T23:01:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

SWEET ANGEL OF MINE...

Memories pressed between the pages of my mind

Memories sweetened through the ages just like wine

1st Christmas-6 days old-1987

Christmas 1988

September 1990

Quiet thought come floating down and settle softly to the ground

Like golden autumn leaves around my feet

I touched them and they burst apart with

Sweet memories, Sweet memories

4th Birthday-sparkle Minnie Mouse

Age 5

March 1995

Of holding hands and red bouquets

And twilight trimmed in purple haze

And laughing eyes and simple ways

And quiet nights and gentle days with you

Christmas 2005

18th Birthday

Memories pressed between the pages of my mind

Memories sweetened through the ages just like wine

Memories

Summer 2006

Christmas 2008

21st Birthday

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dd5X2sqXE3c&feature=related


Those eyes-January 2009

Tis the Season to be Jolly...

2011-12-05T12:10:00.000-08:00

Clinical depression is an illness characterized by clear diagnostic criteria – sad mood or anhedonia for two weeks or longer and then 5 or more symptoms ranging from loss of appetite to sleep disturbance to feelings of worthlessness.

Sadly, we still view this as something that a person can "control" – and they often get feedback like "Get over it,” “Cheer up," "Toughen up," or "Man up." A person with depression often already feels ineffectual; hearing this can often just push them deeper into the shadows and less willing or able to seek help.

Can you imagine if someone just got a diagnosis of cancer, or MS, or diabetes and were told to "Get over it”?

The research is clear that untreated depression can lead to significant worsening of symptoms, greater occupational and social impairment, and poorer treatment outcomes. Depression is a very real condition; it is not just about getting over it, but often taking medications, engaging in the work of therapy, and being prepared for future symptomatology.

TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY, JOYOUS AND JUBILANT:

Holidays are celebration days. But for many they mean another day of loneliness, pain, fear, etc. I wonder why I can't feel joy as I have in previous years. A major sign grief resolution is when I will be able to once again feel good about feeling good.

I must remember that grief has no season. It is always the season to feel sad. In the US there are approximately 2 million deaths a year. 10 people are affected by the death of that 1 person-therefore 20 million people will not be as jolly for the holidays as before.

The expectation is that I should be jolly...the reality is I am not. Good grief work requires one to realize I am altered forever.

HOLIDAY MUSIC:

"We Wish You a Merry Christmas," “Joy to The World," "I'll Be Home For Christmas," etc., all remind us of the feelings for holidays. Music brings me back to memories. Memories remind me of what was...and what can never be again. Music moves me; it disarms me just when I feel the walls have been safely built around me to protect me from the invasion of memories.

During the holidays, music is everywhere...on the radio, in the kitchen, in the car, television specials sing out the oldies, retail stores play it over the loudspeaker, telephones repeat it while on hold. Religious services repeat them over and over again. I am almost unable to escape the "memory music that moves the bereaved beast".

RELIGIOUS CELEBRATIONS:

Since most are Holy Days reflect a religious and spiritual message. These messages and the rituals and ceremonies in which they are carriedare often not easily accepted by us if we are angry with our God during this time of loss and grief. We may feel unloved and punished by our God and often find ourselves unable to engage in religious ceremonies.

Those fellow believers who continue to be supportive often ask us to "BE STRONG" for the holidays and they may suggest to us that "true believers don't cry nor are we to feel unloved by God". Even worse we, at this time, may feel we are suffering another major loss...the loss of faith. Thus, contrary to widely held belief, religious belief systems may add to the woe at holiday time.

EXPECTATIONS OF THE "OLD ME":

Grief work is the job of re-identifying the new self. Holidays are often the time where we relate to the old self.

Celebrations, customs, rituals, and certain people that once met the needs of the old me, no longer seem to meet these "new me" needs. Statements like, "I should be putting up the tree but this year I will decorate this windows instead. I should have all the old friends for the traditional get-together but I'm just inviting my three best friends this year to share the holiday meal". The "shoulds" suggest the old part of the old me and the new decisions represent the “new" reidentified self.

Feeling guilty because you can't meet both the old needs and the new needs at the same time creates stress during the holiday season.

Thanks and Giving....

2011-11-24T10:31:00.000-08:00

$100-provides a pair of crutches for a St. Jude Patient

$140-provides 2 platelets count tests for St. Jude Patients

$500-provides 2 transfusions of red blood cells for a St. Jude Patient

$1000-provides 2 days of oxygen to a St Jude Patient

$1500-provides a day of chemotherapy for a St. Jude Patient

$6150-provides a day of inpatient care for a St Jude patient

Thanks and Giving

Give thanks for the healthy kids in your life,

and give to those who are not…

St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital

What is YOUR healthy child worth to you? Your money? Your Time? Your house? Your car? When your child gets sick everything else in your world stops. You begin fighting for your child’s life at all cost. You no longer care about your health, sleep or even your job, the health and life of your child becomes the most important thing in the world. As a parent you will go anywhere or do anything to save your child’s life.

Fight as much as you want and do your part as a parent but things are still out of your control. You watch as they pump your child full of toxic chemicals to kill the cancer. You hold your child as they are sick and scared. You cry for them as you would give anything to take their place in that hospital bed. It is horrible to watch someone so young be so brave and mature. Cancer kids are just more brave, bold and accepting of what life has given them.

Once the chemo begins to work, it weakens their blood and now your child needs lifesaving blood transfusion to survive. Their own body cannot make the red blood cells and platelets needed to even function. As they get weaker and can barely move there is a help coming. It is lifesaving blood. Before the blood Heather would be weak and sluggish to the point of not being able to move. After a blood transfusion she would be ready to go shopping. The difference in just two hours is simply amazing to see.

Please consider a gift of life saving blood this holiday season. People get so busy with the buying of gifts that the blood supply gets very low. If this was your child or loved one you would want the blood right away. Giving blood costs you nothing and takes about an hour of your time. the actual taking of the blood takes about 7 minutes. it is all the paperwork and getting prepped that takes the time. One single donation can save up to 3 lives…

Heather’s 24^th Birthday will be Saturday December 10. Our family is hosting the 2^nd annual Birthday Blood Drive at Arizona Mills Mall. There will be balloons to sign and cake. The balloons will be released at the end of the day. It is very healing to watch balloons with messages ascend to heaven. Almost like she gets the messages.

Please join us on this special day…sign up at the link below. It helps to have a time so you are not waiting around for a long time.

https://www.bloodhero.com/index.cfm?group=op&expand=422700&zc=85282

Thanksgiving Thoughts...

2011-11-20T21:06:00.000-08:00

I was wondering when you would arrive. I never know the exact time but I always know you will be showing up for the holidays. I have come to count on you. I know you very well and I don’t need to see your ID. I don’t want to let you in but you have a bully club so there is no stopping you from coming in and staying as long as you want to. You ask me if I am happy to see you, I tell you to go away, but you say it is your job to hunt me down and find me each year. I can feel you creeping over me as you come in with no warning, sit down in your most favorite and comfortable chair to make yourself at home in my life for the next few weeks. I am not happy to see you and I thought I put you behind me. I don’t invite you or want you here, but there is nothing that can prevent you from coming right in and making yourself at home in my life. I tell you it is not fair that you keep coming back; I have paid you very well and served my time. But you smile as you settle into your chair, slip off your shoes, put your feet on my table and light your cigar, filling my place with an awful smell.

Depression arrived this week..I can't pinpoint the day but I know he showed up again. I was not really excited to go see Breaking Dawn this week. That is when I knew he arrived just on schedule. Was I not excited to see Breaking Dawn because Heather loved Twilight? Was it because that was our Christmas Eve movie in 2008? Was it because of the wedding scene that I know I will never have with Heather? Because Bella can have a vampire's baby and I will never see Heather's babies? or finally because she wanted Edward to be real so he could save her when she was in ICU? I saw the movie and it was good...

Here are just a few thoughts about the holidays coming up...more to come later. Just a bit of explanation as to why holidays are so hard. I believe today that I will forever be depressed during the holidays. It will always be there. Why do I not want to be part of huge family gatherings? it is a huge reminder that my Heather, my family will never be together again. As you sit down and have all your family there at the table...mine will forever be broken. My daughter and her future husband and kids are gone. Never to be. I can't screw on my smile and pretend everything is ok and I am having a good time. Sorry, just being honest.

GIVING VS. SELFISH: Almost all holidays have, as a central theme, a need to remind ourselves how thankful I should be for what has been "given to me" so that my life is better today. I am reminded during these holidays that I too should be giving to others. Gifts are purchased and shared, food is gifted to others, and volunteers rush to feed the homeless, bell-ringers remind us to drop money in the kettle for the less fortunate. It feels good to give.

Grief is selfish...I have lost, I hurt, I am lonely, I am confused, I need to know me again, I need to be comforted, I am angry, I am sad, etc...When we lose someone we focus on ourselves. The job of grieving is the job of re-identifying the self...thus I am very SELFISH. I am not focused outward, I am focused inward. I often feel there is something "wrong" with me because prior to my significant loss I always felt good giving during the holidays and now I feel "bad" because I am unable to dredge up the "giving spirit".

FAMILY REUNIONS: Traditions dictate that holidays bring a family unit together to celebrate the occasions as a whole family. A sense of support that comes from a family unit can be of great solace. So too can the lack of support from a family unit be a major problem for us during the holidays.

Those less affected by the loss may be less inclined to be sympathetic and supportive to us. Without knowing it, the less affected may expect other family members to be at the same level in the grieving process. Other family members may feel there is something "wrong' with them because they are not as far along in the process.

Just Another Day To The World....

2011-11-08T21:54:00.000-08:00

I wonder to myself if it will ever go away, but then I don’t really want it to go away. If the memory starts to fade and the date goes from my mind then Heather is slipping further from my mind. To the rest of the world today is just November 8, but to me it is the day we had a grand celebration for an extra ordinary reason. The Grand Duchess Heather had slain her cancer dragon. It was the best day, best party I ever planned and the best time had by all that attended.

Royal save the date

Royal invitation

It was not hard to come up with the princess theme as Heather was a true princess in common people clothes. Everything for this ball seemed to come together flawlessly. I remember not being able to find a limo. I was terribly disappointed, more so than Heather. I was determined to find a limo that I could afford. Most of them were $600 for 2 hour minimum charge. I just could not see paying that kind of money for a limo. About 10 days prior to the ball I decided to try one last time to find a limo for her. I called Desert Rose Limo Co and explained my situation. I don’t remember the man’s name on the other end but I do remember him telling me that he would do it for $75. I was nearly in tears as I said yes I want it. The driver was doing a wedding here in the East Valley and had time to kill. He could pick Heather up and drop her off no problem. I was thrilled when he told me it was a white limo as well.

The pink flowers

The flowers

Royal gift table

Royal seating chart

The Monday before the ball my Daddy called. He told me he was finished with his harvesting and was going on a trip. I was busy and not really thinking as I asked him where he was going. He told me he had a big ball to attend in Mesa on Saturday. I nearly dropped the phone. My Dad does not like to fly, but had decided that he could not miss the ball. He had worked like a madman to finish the harvest and went down that morning and bought his ticket. I ran to tell Heather that her Grandpa would be coming. She immediately lit up and asked if he would escort her into her ball and ride in the limo with her. It was a memory as my dad had never ridden in a limo, nor had he escorted a granddaughter on such a special day before. He told me later that he told Heather in the limo that he was just there to steady her and that she was to lead. He did a great job. Looking back now, he would not have missed this for the world.

Breath-taking

The beautiful walk by the Grand Duchess Heather

The Royal cake testing by HRH-Her Royal Highness

Everything was perfect and the evening was one that I will never forget. Heather told me that the evening went too fast and it was over. She had asked me if that was what it felt like to be a bride. Little did I know then, that the ball was her wedding day or the closest thing she would get to it. The limo..$75 The cake..$250 The dress..$350…getting to experience this with my daughter and make her so happy…PRICELESS!!

The Royal Princess acting goofy-Angie, Wendy, HRH, Krissy, Jenn and Jaime

"Cousin" Princess Angie and Grand Duchess Heather

"I don't know why all the trees change in the fall

But I know you're not scared of anything at all

Don't know is Snow White's house is near or far away

But I know I had the best day with you today...

HRH and the royal cousins, Karee and Khloe

The Queen, The Royal Grandpa and the Grand Duchess

Grand Duchess Heather and The King

And now I know why all the trees change in the fall

I know you were on my side even when I was wrong

And I love you for giving me your eyes

For staying back and watching me shine

And I didn't know if you knew,

So I am takin' this chance to say

That I had the best day with you today...

~Taylor Swift-Best Day~

http://music.aol.com/video/taylor-swift-the-best-day/taylor-swift/adam:6208177

15 Albums...

2011-11-04T19:59:00.000-07:00

Music was very important to Heather, whether she was singing, playing or listening to it, she loved every aspect of music. Bill and I went on a house hunting trip when the girls were little and left them with Sally and "George". One evening when I called "George" got on the phone with Sally and they were both telling us about Heather swinging in the back yard singing Jesus Loves Me at the top of her lungs. Sally said she was so cute and would sing the entire time she was swinging. I can see her curly blond hair flying everywhere and her deep voice with the little bit of a mumble singing, swinging and laughing.

The following is a post from Facebook about your favorite 15 albums. I thought you might enjoy her idea of music.

Mmmm Hmmm your in for another one

Sunday, February 22, 2009 at 8:43pm

Think of 15 albums (in no particular order) that had such a profound effect on you they changed your life or the way you looked at it. They sucked you in and took you over for days, weeks, months, years. These are the albums that you can use to identify time, places, people, emotions. These are the albums that no matter what they were thought of musically shaped your world. When you finish, tag 15 others, including me. Make sure you copy and paste this part so they know the drill. Get the idea now? Good. Tag, you're it!

1. Behind the Eyes - Amy Grant
2. Born to Fly - Sara Evans
3. Starting Over - Reba McEntire
4. Change - Sierra
5. Legacy...Hymns and Faith - Amy Grant
6. Long Black Train - Josh Turner
7. Wild Hope - Mandy Moore
8. Wynonna - Wynonna
9. Song Remembers When - Trisha Yearwood
10. The Way Home - Wayne Watson
11. Pretty Woman Soundtrack - Various
12. Amazing Grace 3 - Various
13. Taylor Swift - Taylor Swift
14. My Redeemer - Matthew Ward
15. The Collection - Amy Grant
(Ok, so I like Amy Grant.... I probably could have listed all 15 with Amy Grant... but this was hard to pick out Albums without your iTunes or CD rack next to you. And I wasn't tagged but I really like this one.. haha)

The Monster Mash...

2011-10-31T22:11:00.000-07:00

Heather nearly 3 years old

Heather nearly 2 years old , Jenny nearly 4

Then you can mash
Then you can monster mash
The monster mash
And do my graveyard smash
Then you can mash
You'll catch on in a flash
Then you can mash
Then you can monster mash

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61TsVeGdIbw&feature=related

HAPPY OCTOBER 31st!!!

Lady With The Scar...

2011-10-28T21:20:00.000-07:00

Most of the time Heather and I we were the youngest people in the Ironwood Cancer Center waiting area. During one of our first visits we saw a very distraught younger woman who was not sure she wanted to begin her chemo treatments. There was another younger woman sitting next to her trying to calm her down. This woman was going through treatments as she wore a scarf on her head and had a scar on her chest from what we assumed was the lymphoma tumor she had removed. She was called to go back for her radiation treatment and the scared woman was left there alone. Heather went over and began to talk to her and calm her down. Unfortunately this woman left before her treatment and I have no idea if she ever came back.

Heather and I would see the “lady with the scar” many more times during our visits. Heather admired her for being so bold and brave to go out with a scarf on her head and a low cut neck shirt so that her scar was visible. Heather called the scar her badge of courage. She remarked once that she had broken 2 bones and had cancer and would not have a scar to show for any of it. Not that she felt the need to have surgery she just felt like it would be nice to have something to show for all of her treatments. We wondered about this woman and her family. She was younger and we wondered if she had young kids. We figured she had lymphoma because of her age and the scar. Funny how you sit in a cancer clinic and wonder what kind of cancer each person has.

Heather and I saw this “lady with the scar” many times during our visits. We hoped she would have the best outcome ever. But we never knew what ended up happening to her. We never knew her name or anything else about her. Honestly, I placed this woman in the back of my mind when Heather died. She was a memory of the place, the people and event that changed my life forever. She was placed in the memory file along with all the doctors, nurses and staff from the clinic.

Fast forward to August 2011, over 3 years since the last time we saw the “lady with the scar” at Ironwood Cancer Clinic. I wanted a change with my hair and had made an appointment at True Essence Salon where Heather and I used to get our hair done at. This was also where we went to have Heather’s head shaved when time came for that. I made the appointment and woke the next day with a panic attack that I could not walk into that salon. I called to cancel my appointment and explained why. They were very understanding. I still wanted my hair done and I decided to go back to Regis where I always go. My regular gal was not there but I didn’t want to wait so I made an appointment with Laurie. I am very picky about who does my hair because many people have cut too much off or added too much color. I was going way out of my comfort zone.

When I arrived at Regis and met Laurie she looked very familiar to me but I could not place where I knew her from. For some reason I saw her with different hair but still could not remember when I had seen her before. Anytime I meet someone new there comes a point I have to decide do I talk about Heather or do I keep that to myself. It is something that I wrestle with in my mind for minutes weighing each pro and con of do I really want to share my Heather with this person. People usually tell their hair stylist everything about them. What else do you do when you sit there but talk about yourself. So, in a moment’s decision I felt I could trust Laurie and I told her my daughter had cancer and she died.

I think that hairstylist also have to decide how much they tell you as well about themselves. Most of them are very open but I imagine many of them have things that they don’t share with every client that sits in their chair. As I began to talk it began to dawn on both of us that we knew each other. You see, Laurie is the “lady with the scar”. She remembered seeing Heather in the office a couple of times as well. Laurie remembered that Heather went to talk to the woman after she was called to her appointment. All of a sudden we shared a bond and had a connection. Funny how cancer creates a bond with strangers that become friends with the mention of the word.

Laurie is married, has a son and most importantly is in remission. She is truly a brave, remarkable woman. She was Heather and my hero before, and now that I know her is still is my hero. It was amazing to me to finally meet the woman that I had seen in the clinic and that she is doing so well. She also has the most amazing ability to do hair. She is a perfectionist and listens to what I want for my hair. The 2 times I have had my hair colored has been the 2 best color jobs I have ever had done. Laurie recently went out on her own into Signature Salon in East Mesa. This is a remarkable place that gives stylist their own place to do hair without the huge expense of an individual store front. I would encourage anyone to give Laurie a try with their hair. You will not be disappointed. I have her number and will share with anyone who would like it. Please support Laurie and her remarkable survival.

The “lady with the scar” has gone from being a face without a name, to having a name to a being someone I count as a privilege and a blessing to know personally.

Personal Narrative...

2011-10-25T00:06:00.000-07:00

I have not mentioned much about school lately and how things are going. I think I am doing very well. I was able to finish a 16 week course of math 082 in just 8 weeks. I managed to get a final exam score of 91% with a final grade of 92%. Not too bad for someone who has not really done math in over 30 years. I also have finished my Healthful Living class with an A as well. I did very well on the 2 two-hour tests closed book tests we had. So 2 classes done with after 8 weeks and both straight A's.

My CIS 105-reguired computer class-is driving me insane. It is a lot of reading about things I have no interest and will never ever use in my lifetime. Then I have to take a 20 question quiz over the material. The good thing is I can use my book and I get 3 tries for each quiz. We also have a computer portion with Word, Excel, Access and PowerPoint. These are very difficult assignments that they do not allow shortcuts. But even though the teacher is really no help at all, I am managing an A so far. I hope to keep that A as I have worked hard for it.

My last class is English 101. This is in no way teaching me English when all I do is write 4 papers. Not a tough class. But papers are subjective if the teacher does not like your writing style. I have been fortunate that my teacher happens to think me a writing genius. I have included my last paper we had to write. It was a personal narrative about our life. Boy, did she get a shock. The following is my original paper I wrote and then her comments at the end. Grade for the paper was 100% and yes I have an A in this class as well. Please realize that as with my blog I don't hold back the truth in my papers either. Many of you may not know about my childhood, and this only skims the top 1% of all that happened to me growing up.

"God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way." (1)

Growing up, I was a very odd little girl and endured a very difficult childhood. My only dream was to be normal and have a fairytale life with the ideal house and the perfect family. I thought I had all of that until a few years ago when things began to drastically change. Cancer entered my world, shattered my dreams, and taught me that normal is nothing but a setting on the clothes dryer and does not exist in the real world.

I cannot pinpoint when I learned that I was adopted as a baby, it is just something that I have always known. Knowing that I was adopted I always felt that I was different from most people. My home life was such that I felt like a round peg that tried to fit into a square hole. I did not share the same emotions or actions that my adopted parents had. Only when I found my birth father did I truly understand the role of genetics verses learned responses. The more time that I have spent learning about my birth father the more I have realized that my actions and what makes me the person that I am today came mostly from him.

My childhood forced me to learn how to become a survivor. A couple of different men sexually molested me at a young age. My physically and emotionally abusive adopted mother died when I was nine years old and my adopted father remarried a woman with two sons shortly after. My new step mother was not able to love me as her own child either. Since I had two mothers that were not my birth mother, I was under the delusion that birth mothers had to love their own babies. This was proven to be a false statement and after finding my birth mother in 1993. From this experience, I learned that not all mothers love all of their babies.

During my high school years I felt like a freak most of the time. I wore clothes that my step mother made and they looked very funny and different from what everyone else was wearing. I was also not allowed to drive a car to high school. This forced me to get rides with people or walk. I was not very popular, but did have a good group of friends that were outcasts like me.

When I had my own children, I was determined to not repeat the cycle of abuse that I went through as a child. My goal was to be the kind of mother to my children that I did not have growing up. I was a stay at home mom for my three daughters, volunteered in their elementary school, and allowed them to be little girls. I also took on the huge challenge of home schooling them when they asked me to try.

My greatest source of learning, challenge and change came when my twenty-year-old daughter was diagnosed with cancer. She had two forms of fast moving blood cancer, leukemia and lymphoma. As I was the sole caregiver I had to quickly become well educated in doctors, nurses, chemotherapy, procedures and hospitals. She survived and was in remission, but her health was on the mend only for a brief time, as she soon became immune compromised and developed two forms of pneumonia and acute respiratory distress syndrome (ARDS). She was placed in the Intensive Care Unit which was where I began my training all over again. This was a whole new kind of experience with more intense care and consequences. After fighting for thirty-three days, she died.

Now I have lost many “friends” that found it too difficult to deal with my daughter’s death. I feel as if everywhere I go I have a sign over me that screams “mother who has a dead daughter.” I cry in public for no reason in which anyone would ever begin to understand and then feel as if I am being stared at even more. I was not normal growing up and I will never be normal again. I just have to keep reminding myself that normal is just a setting on the clothes dryer and does not exist in the real world or my world and that is okay.

(1) Unknown source http://www.great-quotes.com/quotes/category/Life/pg/4

Sherry, you have endured and survived so much more than any child would elect to experience. You write so clearly, it feels like the words describe a scene in the present.

Congratulations on your resilience and tenacity.

normal is nothing but a setting on the clothes dryer and does not exist in the real world. This is a line that Erma Bombeck would have been proud to claim!

Well done! 25/25

Parental Bereavement Act..

2011-10-21T20:44:00.000-07:00

CHILD: The legal definition of "child" generally refers to a minor, otherwise known as a person younger than the age of majority. A human being below the age of 18 years.

ADULT: is a legal concept for a person who has attained the age of majority and is therefore regarded as independent, self-sufficient, and responsible.

When you have a baby or adopt a baby an employee can be given 12 weeks of FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act). If that child develops a major illness you can also choice to take FMLA. If your adult family member has a major illness you can once again go on FMLA. But when your child dies, your employer only has to give you 3-5 days of leave. This is barely enough time to hold the funeral let alone begin to grieve for the loss.

The Family Medical Leave Act was pushed by a real life father who was fired from his job after taking time off to help his 16 years old daughter battle cancer. This father fought back and with the help of Senators, he lobbies the United States Congress and is the stimulus to passage of the Family Medical Leave Act. The daughter dies shortly after this bill was signed by President Clinton into law in 1993.

Why do I mention all this because many of you may not know but the death of a child is not a reason for FMLA. Your employer does not have to give you 12 weeks off and secure you position when you return. Currently the Parental Bereavement Act (S. 1358) is being introduced into Congress. It currently has no co-sponsor. In a press release, Sen. Tester said he introduced the bill because the "last thing [parents] should be worrying about is whether they’ll lose their jobs as they deal with life-changing loss. People are surprised when we tell them that it doesn't cover the death of a child," Tester said. "Anytime a parent has to bury a child is, in my opinion, the most stressful and excruciating experience a family can go through. People need time to grieve and sort out what has happened without having to worry about losing their jobs."

Although the FMLA allows employees to take time off for mental-health problems, grieving parents are reluctant to use that provision because they don't want the stigma of saying they have a mental illness such as depression, doctors and mental-health experts say. Parents worry that using the mental-health provision could lead future employers or insurance companies to discriminate against them by wrongly concluding that they have a chronic mental illness.

"Of course, someone who has just lost their child feels sad and depressed and has trouble focusing," said Dr. Tressia Shaw, a palliative-care physician at Phoenix Children's Hospital. "It's not accurate to label that parent with a diagnosis of depression when what they're going through is a normal process of grief. A separate provision in the law for grieving parents would solve the problem."

I am asking everyone to take a few minutes and go to the link below and sign petition to the president and congress to approve this new act. Enter your information and the letters will be sent to your congressmen in your state. I also am asking that in the comments box if you would add that the age be upped from 18 to 25. Congress recently passed that students can be on our insurance till age 25. Many of these “children” still live at home and have no means to support themselves as they are students in college. If Bill had wanted to take FMLA he would have been denied because Heather was 21. But she was still living at home, had no means to support herself since she had been fighting cancer for a year and we still claimed her on our taxes.

petition2congress.com/3937/go.

Please, the last thing a grieving parent needs to worry about is their job. Just getting up and out of bed each day takes all the strength we have. Take just a few minutes and send petitions to get this act passed. It is all filled out you just have to give your name and address and click send.

Suds in the Bucket...

2011-10-20T00:41:00.000-07:00

She was in the backyard - they say it was a little past nine
When her prince pulled up - a white pickup truck
Her folks shoulda seen it comin' - it was only just a matter of time
Plenty old enough - and you can't stop love
She stuck a note on the screen door - "sorry but I got to go"
That was all she wrote - her mama's heart was broke
That was all she wrote - so the story goes..

~Sara Evans~Suds in the Bucket~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06o-EYH9svs

It was her favorite blue t-shirt. On the front was a small gold number 44 and the back had a large number 44 with the name Sara Evans on it. I do not have any idea when, where or how Heather even got the t-shirt. It could have been at a concert or through the mail. Only she would know for sure. But it was a very worn and loved shirt. The number 44 came from her Sara’s album “Three Chords and the Truth". It was the title-track and second single released from the album in 1997 and was the highest-peaking of the three singles released from Three Chords and the Truth, reaching #44. It was the highest number one of her songs reached from her solo album.

Now her daddy's in the kitchen - starin' out the window
Scratchin' and a rackin' his brains
How could 18 years just up and walk away
Our little pony-tailed girl growed up to be a woman
Now she's gone in the blink of an eye
She left the suds in the bucket
And the clothes hangin' out on the line

Heather fell in love with Sara Evans. She knew everything about her, her family and her life. If anything had the name Sara Evans on it Heather would buy it, listen to it or read it. In July, 2005 she talked me into driving to Tucson to attend a concert at the fairgrounds so she could meet and greet with Sara Evans. She was tickled pink at finally getting to meet her favorite country female artist. She even wrote and card and gave her a gift. This was a special trip for just her and me.

Heather with Sara Evans~July 2005

Now don't you wonder what the preacher's gonna preach about Sunday morn
Nothin' quite like this has happened here before
Well he must have been a looker - smooth talkin' son of a gun
For such a grounded girl - to just up and run
Course you can't fence time - and you can't stop love

Disneyland~March 2007

"Suds in the Bucket" is the title of a song recorded by country singer Sara Evans. It was released in May 2004 as the third single for her album Restless. It became her third number-one single on the US Country charts, and her first since "Born to Fly" in early 2001. It was certified Gold by the RIAA on November 18, 2005. This was my “ponytail girl’s” favorite song. Heather felt this song was written for her. The prince is a white pickup truck and everything. When this song would come on we would turn up with radio, sing and dance in the car.

Now all the biddy's in the beauty shop gossip goin' non-stop
Sippin' on pink lemonade
How could 18 years just up and walk away
Our little pony-tailed girl growed up to be a woman
Now she's gone in the blink of an eye
She left the suds in the bucket
And the clothes hangin' out on the line

Disneyland~December 2008

I was doing fine today until “Suds in the Bucket” came on my radio. I instantly thought of Heather wearing her blue #44 t-shirt. I missed her so much at that moment the tears just began to fill my eyes and roll down my cheek. I want so much to see her wear that shirt again. But this most loved t-shirt now is a part of the memory quilt I recently had made. I love the quilt but it is desperately sad to think I have to have it.

Heather's shirt now...

She's got her pretty little bare feet hangin' out the window
And they're headin' up to Vegas tonight
How could 18 years just up and walk away
Our little pony-tailed girl growed up to be a woman
Now she's gone in the blink of an eye
She left the suds in the bucket
And the clothes hangin' out on the line…

912 Days....

2011-10-17T17:21:00.000-07:00

Now I'm drivin'
Through the pitch black dark
I'm screaming at the sky
Oh cause it hurts so bad
Everybody tells me
Oh all I need is time
Then the mornin' rolls in
And it hits me again
And that aint nothin' but a lie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I35_B_5htnI

I began counting days, then weeks, next came months and now I am counting years. It does not seem possible to count years already. There are days when it seems like yesterday and then other times it feels like it has already been forever. Today, Monday is when Heather died 2 ½ years ago. The date of the 20^th comes later this week. It has been 912 days, 130 weeks, 54 months or 2 ½ years since I was last able to touch Heather. It has been longer than that since I heard or voice or was able to have a conversation with her.

I stumbled across your old picture today
I could barely breath
The moment stopped me cold,
Grabbed me like a thief.
I dialed your number, but you wouldn't be there
I knew the whole time, but it's still not fair
I just wanted to hear your voice,
I just needed to hear your voice.

There is so much that I have never shared that happened with Heather. The things I am sharing on the blog post today are things that happened and photos I have never shared. These are very private and personal to me. I hope you understand what I am trying to share today.

Friday morning March 27, 2009 Heather and I had a very coherent conversation. It was the best one we had in days. She was herself. She drank her ensure and we talk just like old times. I had no idea it would be one of the last lucid conversations I would have with her. If I had known we would not have spent the time talking about what we talked about. To this day I still have a grudge that I carry about the topic of discussion that we talked about that morning.


This was taken just a few hours after Heather was placed on the vent.

In the wee hours of the morning on Saturday, March 28, Heather was being prepped for being placed on the vent. This is something I pray no one ever has to go through. It is a necessary machine but is so horrible and all the wicked things that go with it. I will not begin to tell you all the horrors that go with it, the vent is bad enough. I called Bill and he was able to just make it before they began. There was no time to get Jenn and Wendy there in time she was that critical. All the lights were on and we were forced to leave the room during the procedure. She was so out of it due to lack of oxygen. She was not scared, just kept asking if the procedure was done yet. The last words Heather ever spoke were I love you. I was sitting beside her on the bed and I told her I loved her and that it would only be a few days and she would be fine. Bill and I were placed in a small private meeting room while the procedure was done.

In the middle...it appears to say I love you momy...this was written a few hours after she was placed on the vent. I take it to say I love you Momy. It may not look like it, but she shook her head when I read it.

No one could ever be prepared for seeing their loved one on a vent and I was no different. We were told to be very quiet as she was not responding to the sedation the way she should and she moved quite a bit. Heather would open her eyes and try to hug me when I would come into the room. Believe it or not, Heather actually wrote 2 notes to me and wanted her phone to text messages. This was very hard for me as I thought when you were on a vent you didn’t move. Later on they would sedate and paralysis her so she could not move anymore. Jenn and Wendy had the opportunity to say they loved her that same day. Heather opened her eyes when they talked to her and I know that she heard and understood what they said to her.

This was written the next day..It says Tomorrow I go home. At the bottom she wants Ativan. So she got Ativan added to her drugs. Kim-her nurse said anyone who could write what she wanted got it. Heather shook her head when I read it saying that was what she wanted was to go home or 6 South and ativan

What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you every day
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.

Today I went through Heather’s boxes under my bed. I have no idea why I picked today to do this. I guess it helps in some weird way. I came across her cross stitch sampler that I made for her when she was born. I have no idea what I am supposed to do with that or the signed matte from her graduation. I also found a small trove of her treasured bunnies. She was a bunny lover from the very beginning. Everything and anything that was a bunny she wanted it. I still to this day am moved to buy bunny things.

Some of Heather's bunnies..her first jewelry box..what do I do with all this???

Cross Stitch I made for Heather-hours and hours of work

So here it is 912 days, 130 weeks, 54 months or 2 ½ years after Heather died and honestly I don’t feel that I am any closer to “getting over” this. On the outside I look like I have it all together but on the inside I don’t. I do have good days but still have bad days. The bad days seem to hit me when I least expect it now and that seems to be the difficult part. The smallest little thing can change my mood and mind set so fast. It can be a smell, a song, a note or even passing a van on the freeway. As long as it is still here then Heather is still here. Heather is my brick that I carry around..and it is fine, actually!

I asked for scissors shortly after Heather died. Sharon-night nurse manager- asked me if I was taking some of her hair. I said yes I was. She told me good, she was going to do that and save it for me in case I wanted it later and forgot.

Becca: Does it ever go away?
Nat: No, I don’t think it does. Not for me, it hasn’t -- has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though.
Becca: How?
Nat: I don’t know… the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and… carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you… you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and -- there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be aweful -- not all the time. It’s kinda…not that you’d like it exactly, but it’s what you’ve got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And uh… it doesn’t go away. Which is…
Becca: Which is what?
Nat: Fine, actually.

Response....

2011-10-16T16:49:00.000-07:00

From time to time I have people respond with a comment or send me an email about the blog. I have received several comments from people who have just found the Confessions blog and got hooked in following my journey. I have always tried to be honest and forthcoming with my feelings so that in some small way you might have a slight insight as to the pain, struggle and difficulty in losing a child. I know that many times my blog can be difficult to read and I would like to thank all of you that have decided to join me on my journey. It helps me to know that you follow, read and support me.

This is an email I received September 24,2011:

Sherry,
I stumbled across your blog one day while searching for the lyrics to
"If I Die Young". I had fallen in love with that song and well...it
led me to you. I've been reading your blog ever since, but have never
commented.

Tonight, however, I watched Tangled and just really felt the urge to
write to you.

When I read your words I can tell how much you love Heather. While I
cannot relate with losing a child, I can so relate when it comes to
the love one feels for their child. She sounds like a beautiful young
woman with a caring and loving family. And I've just got say that
it's truly awesome that you are going back to school...and from what
I've read...I really think Heather would be proud of you.

Good luck and God bless,
~Diana~

Text Messages from KatyBug and me concerning my last blog:

Katy-Just read confessions, wanted to tell you I love you. You are the stronger woman behind many women, Heather is too, probably supporting many women now that she watches from above. Oh, and I am proud of how hard you have worked toward your education and your personal health.. :)

Me-thank you...I love you too...most of the time I don't feel that strong..and I know Heather is the stronger woman behind all of us here still. I want to make Heather proud in my career choice..I think she would approve...I miss her terribly as she would be celebrating every A with me..she would be telling everyone how her mom is doing in school.

Katy-She is proud and just think she is telling God..yup that is the awesome woman you gave me for a Momy. I could not have asked for more. I can just see her smiling as she helps Jesus place the most flawless stones on your crown.

Me-Aww..that you very much...the greatest treasure I had was being her Momy..it was a privilege from God...

I share these because they meant so much to me. I deeply appreciated the email from Diana because it lets me know that people who stumble across the blog continue to follow it. Sometimes I feel like I write to the black abyss. Thank you Diana for you willingness to share your thoughts with me. I especially loved the exchange with Katy and how Heather is helping pick the stones for my crown. I wanted to be able to remember this. Since cell phones comes and go I decided to share this so I can remember this forever. Thank you Katy for your encouragement.

Phone Numbers, Vans and Memories...

2011-10-15T19:21:00.000-07:00

I pulled out the tongue depressor wrapper that had the number for emergencies only written on it. I had only used this number one time before. He answered and I told him the issue. His instructions were to get to his office as quickly as possible; they would be waiting for us. As Heather and I grabbed the door his nurse ushered us back to his exam room. A pulse oxygen clip was placed on her index finger and her temperature was taken. It read 104.9. Dr. Fastenberg told me he could do nothing else and we needed to be admitted to the hospital right away. He used his cell phone, the one I had called earlier, to see what the wait was in the ER. It was a 7 hour wait but we had no choice. As I slowly walked back to the car with a scared Heather I decided to call Banner Baywood myself and asked for 6 South just to see if I could speed things up. Ironwood Clinic is right behind the hospital so the drive was short. Gayle was working and I told her our situation. Being charge nurse for the day Gayle had the ability to work the rooming schedule. As I pulled into the parking lot and headed to the ER doors the only thing I could think of was to get Heather away from all the germs in the ER. We got checked in and tried to find a non-germ corner. Just a few minutes later an aide from 6 South came to get us so we could wait in the waiting room up there. Gayle came out and said that waiting here would be much better than in the ER and she had a room coming up soon, housekeeping was cleaning it as we spoke. We were admitted straight to the floor with no stop at the ER. I had no idea when I left Ironwood Clinic that day it would be the last time I was there.

The paper Dr. F dug out of the trash when we left the hospital for the first time. I was instructed that this was for emergencies only and not to use it often. I covered the number to protect his privacy.

This is the other side of the paper Dr. F pulled out of the trash. It is a tongue depressor paper. I still keep this number attached where I can find it. Why? I do not know..

I felt weird as I walked up to the doors. I entered the waiting room and everything looks the same. As I stood in line I thought about how many other visits I had sat Heather down in the chairs and then gone to sign her in. Many of the visits were straight after the hospital discharged us and she was barely able to walk into the clinic. It felt odd to walk to the clinic and not have Heather with me. I had seen Dr. Musci (one of Dr. F’s partners that treated Heather) months earlier and told him about the blood drive. He told me I should bring some flier by the office. The lady at the reception desk was the same as she was all the other visits before. I stumbled as I told her who I was and that I wanted to see Dr. Fastenberg’s nurse Lorriane (LOR-ANN). Lorriane hugged me and knew who I was immediately. As I began to tell her about the blood drive she hugged me again. The only words she was able to say was that Heather was an amazing woman. Lorraine told me she would make sure Dr. F saw this and post them. With tears in her eyes she hugged me a third time and I walked out of Ironwood Clinic again.

Here is the actual clinic. With all my visits there I never took a photo.

I find that keeping myself totally immersed in school helps me forget. I never forget Heather but to forget all the other stuff sometimes. As my school work has slowed down the memories have begun to creep back in. I was elated on Thursday when I finished my health final and received my first “A” for the semester. I decided to go to San Tan for some shopping. As I drove on the freeway I came upon a white passenger van that had no windows. As I passed I noticed the sign on the side. It was very subtle and no one would ever know what it was. It read Dignity Memorial. I knew it was a van that transported from the hospital to the funeral home. My mind in 2 minutes went into all the horrible nightmarish places it could find. I thought everything from how Heather was placed in a bag, then placed into a van similar to this one, to her being delivered to the funeral home, to seeing her on the vent for the first time, to trying to get Heather up and to the bedside potty, to her chest tubes, to the night she died. I could not imagine how my mind could travel to all the horror so fast. It was like a lightning fast slide show that ran through my mind with vivid images. When I finally reached San Tan my mood was changed, I felt sick and dizzy and no longer wanted to be anywhere. How could simply passing a van on the road bring such a reaction to me?

I recently read “Behind every strong woman, there is an even stronger woman.” I told Bill what I had read and he asked me who I thought was behind me. Three woman came to my mind, the first being my mother-in-law, Margaret Coombe, she helped me become the wife, cook, mom and woman I am today. The second is Diane Stewart, who taught me so much about myself, showed me before I needed it how to survive the most difficult event in my life and walks with me now. The third is my daughter, Heather, who showed me how to survive life’s toughest challenges and she was the reason I needed to be so strong. I know that she is saying that I was the stronger woman behind her but I don’t see it that way. Heather will forever be my strength and the wind beneath my wings in everything I do. Heather is my strength for the future.

Ball gown found October 28, 2008..she was thrilled to have found such a gown that she felt good in as well. This photo was taken with my cell phone to send to her dad. The pink glow at the left bottom is my cell phone cover. The only photo I have of finding the ball gown.

"Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiS8YokFzeY

A very touching scene from Beaches...with the song

Wind beneath My Wings by Bette Midler

Find Out Who Your Friends Are....

2011-10-11T20:47:00.000-07:00

“You find out who your friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast
Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'
They just show on up with their big old heart
You find out who your friends are”

http://www.cmt.com/videos/tracy-lawrence/160946/find-out-who-your-friends-are.jhtml

Heather was an amazing friend to people she knew and to total strangers. She was there for one friend who had a son in the hospital for a few days. She visited and brought food even offered to stay so the friend could go shower and get some rest. Heather was the type to offer food to the guy on the street asking for food. She loved everyone and often times got hurt because people who would use her would take advantage of her kindness.

Heather met Jolleane at Target at Tempe Marketplace. They seemed to hit it off right away. Heather spent lots of her free time with Jolleane. When Jolleane lost her place to live Heather had her come stay several nights in our home. We were even trying to make a plan to have her stay with us 3 nights a week and then she could stay with someone else the other nights. We welcomed her into our family and Heather loved her dearly. She considered Jolleane to be one of her best friends.

(These posts from Heather’s MySpace)

January 21, 2008 Current Mood: Blessed

Hope Floats

I just SO relieved that my best friend in AZ Jolleane finally has a place to live! It’s been an up and down battle to get her back on her feet. It’s been sad to see how much we need each other in life. That you find out who your friends are in times of need. I'm glad I've been able to be there for Jo and show her that God has the best plan and for a reason. Seriously, God is working this time! She, as of tonight has a place to stay! With someone I'd never even thought of but worked great. So... praise God! So when you find yourself at the beginning, just look up.. you'll see hope floats !!!

"This ain't where the road comes to an end
This ain't where the bandwagon stops
This is just one of those times when
A lot of folks jump off..."

May 20, 2008 Current Mood: Betrayed

Lessons in Leaving

As most of you know, I have two myspaces. I began to wonder if it was still necessary with me not being at work and not needing to separate work and personal anymore for a while. Then, I realized, no... keep it. I still have a lot of friends on my other one that don't understand that whole faith thing. You know, Jesus and that God stuff as some of them might call it. Especially my friend, who I thought was one of my best friends. We've hung out at work and outside work a lot. Everyone kind of started to think we were connected at the hip. I've been there for her through all her living situations, family situations and everything that she's been through the past almost year. The moment I hear of something that happened I was right in my car and over with her. But now that I need her, the way I was there for her, she's not here.

Its been almost 6 weeks since I started with my cancer journey and chemotherapy and she has been up three times total to visit. My second hospital stay, she told me she'd visit three times in a row and never came up. Finally I stopped asking. Back and forth we've written emails and she says how much she loves me and says I'm being strong. She tells me that she's having a hard time accepting everything. Her grandma had leukemia and died and that's why she can't deal with everything going on. She says, "I'm selfish I know" and says that she just can't do it. But what she doesn't realize is that, her grandma also had lung cancer, and continued to smoke and was 40 years older than me! This was almost ten years ago. The Medical treatments have come a LONG way since then. It just hurts so deep that a friend of mine, just because I have cancer, can no longer be my friend. I was dealing okay with it until she posted a blog on her page. I feel like all she wants is attention and "I'm the victim" badge. But in her blog she states that, her best friend has cancer, the same as her beloved grandmother, and that I left her. She doesn't blame me because she brought it on herself. But tell me one thing, how did I leave her?? I haven't gone ANYWHERE... I'm still HERE. Right HERE. I'm not going anywhere and I haven't said anything to tell her that I am. She was supposed to call me yesterday and never did. It’s a two way street.... and I'm sick of driving down it to find a dead end. I just don't understand her reasoning. All she can focus on is when I'm better. Of course don't you know, it's all about her.

So my lesson in leaving...Don't leave a friend, your best friend, your sister, your mom...etc.... don't leave a friend just because YOU can't accept cancer...or them with cancer.... they didn't ask to have cancer....they didn't ask to be sick.... so put your big girl panties on and be a friend!

I tried on several occasions to contact Jolleane myself when Heather was first diagnosed with cancer. Jolleane said she would come and promised to text but she never would. It was too difficult for her to handle. I have never ever seen anyone treat their so called best friend this way. She completely shattered Heather with a message saying that she was not strong, she just could not be there for her and she had to walk away. This made Heather cry and hate her cancer even more than she already did. Heather felt she was a big green monster that glowed in the dark with fangs and ooze. What Jolleane did just made her feel that it was really true. Most people want to help and want to be there. Jolleane tried to get back with Heather after treatments were over. Heather was beginning to communicate with her again when she got sick again. I received a text from her the day Heather died asking if she could come see her and say goodbye. I was not so nice. I told her no…she did not share in her life there was no way she would be allowed to share in her death. This was for friends only. I ended by telling her she was not welcome to come to Heather’s funeral either. Jolleane apologized for upsetting me but I never heard her once say she was sorry for being a jerk and the worst friend ever. Jolleane still has on her Facebook that Heather is her best friend and she loved her dearly. I wish that Jolleane would be a stand up woman now and tell the world that she turned her back on the best friend in the world when she had cancer. If it sounds awful it is because it is awful….

"Everybody wants to slap your back
wants to shake your hand
when you're up on top of that mountain
But let one of those rocks give way then you slide back down look up
and see who's around then..

When the water's high
When the weather's not so fair
When the well runs dry
Who's gonna be there?"

I'm Gonna Love You Through It....

2011-10-08T22:59:00.000-07:00

I said, “I know that you’re afraid and I am, too
But you’ll never be alone, I promise you”

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do this
I’m gonna love you through it

And when this road gets too long
I'll be the rock you lean on
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.
I’m gonna love you through it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYNOXRifXKQ&ob=av2e.

This song is about the support system that the cancer survivor has the Warriors who fight with them day by day. Cancer deeply touches the lives of everyone in close contact with the survivor. For me, I took the role of momma bear, protector and cheerleader for my Heather. I never once thought about running away or leaving. I wanted the cancer and all the pain with it to go away, but never me or her to go away. Heather saw me as her best friend, her rock and support while she was going through treatments. She and I shared something that no one else did. The following are pieces of things that Heather wrote about me to friends that I copied from MySpace or Facebook. It was very touching for me to find out just how she felt about me. I know she loved me, but to hear her words means the world to me.

(on Heather's MySpace all about me portion)

I am so grateful and thankful for my momy. She's been right there every single step of the way! Fighting with doctors, nurses, and insurance to ensure that I get the best care, the most pain free way there is! She's there for every tear drop that falls... and also when I can smile and laugh about something. God knew I needed her!

November 22, 2008

I'd really love to move out on my own, but I am very close to my mom still. She took care of me this past year, and there were times I couldn't even bathe and dress myself. After round one of chemo, I woke up one day with no feeling in my left side. I thought I had a stroke. It was just a TIA, transient ischemic attack. So a pre-cursor to a stroke. Before that time on I slept right next to her now she keeps me even closer. So it would be very hard to move out right now. I cried when I slept in my own bed in my own room. Very emotional time.

From the first moment Heather returned from the hospital I had her sleep in my bed with me. I was so scared something would happen and I would not hear her or she would get sick. Each night we held hands as we fell asleep. That is a memory I would not trade for anything. I would give anything to fall asleep holding hands with her again.

February 5, 2009

Even though I am done, terror and panic rattled through me this past Tuesday. I went to see my doctor and have my monthly IV push. In my blood tests some levels are off. My blood is very anemic, and I am on the verge of needing transfusions of both red blood cells and platelets. There was one level, the Nucleated Red Blood Cell to be exact, that was raised. He was concerned about it. My worst fear is hearing that "it" is back. Both my doctor and mom think it’s because of my chemo-toxic blood. It’s overly medicated with too much chemo. Not uncommon. Anyway I am rambling, but.... I am off all chemo pills this week and will re-check. Sort of waiting on pins and needles.... to see how it checks out on Thursday of next week. I hate waiting. But I know God has a plan and that calms my nerves, sort of......

The fear of the cancer returning was never far from Heather’s mind and haunted her more than I ever dreamed. I knew it haunted me and she was no different. No matter what she faced I was bound and determined to face it head on and never let her see me cry. I was going to be the strong one for her no matter what. Even in her final hours I never let her hear fear in my voice. I never shed a tear till she was gone. I was not going to allow her to know how bad all of it hurt and still does to this day.

Here are some thoughts from me as a care giver. From the moment Heather was diagnosed I never thought about myself. All my time and energy was spent on Heather and her needs. I hope you can get a small glimpse of what a momy goes through when her baby is hurting. When you have a baby, they remain your baby forever no matter how old they may be.

Monday, April 28, 2008

It is so hard to stand by and watch as your baby girl goes through this. I am totally helpless. There is nothing I can do. The house is very quiet and on pins and needles at the same time. I did not sleep well. She is currently sleeping with me so at the slightest noise I hear her and am up. As she gets weaker she can't yell for me from down the hall. It gives her more comfort and rest to be with me for now. So, I did not get much rest last night and then today is just watching and stress and wanting to make it all better but I can't.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Heather will be going home with 2 shots a day in her stomach of Lovenox-the blood thinner. Mom gave her first shot today. Heather said I was a pro. I was nervous at first. The first time you stick the shot is nerve wracking. But I did it. Heather told me it hurt less than the one the nurse gave her last night. I still say I want a raise in my salary for next year. I am now an honorary RN-on the job training the hard way.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Heather simply does not feel good. Can't tell us where or why. She just does not feel good. She began to cry and told me she is fed up with the whole thing, the poking, prodding and the cancer itself. There is no better word and for some it may offend, but till you have been her you don't get it. The best word in the whole word to describe cancer is ...it sucks. Everything about it sucks..to each member of the family involved-CANCER SUCKS!!!

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

I can't begin to describe what the past few days have been like. I have spent the entire day in silence. The noise of the TV bothers her. So there I sat...in the hospital room, listening to the IV pump, reading some of the closed captions on the TV, making very little noise and sometimes sitting in a darkened room. I crochet and listen to Harry Potter. The room is darkened and the only light is the TV. I leave for a few minutes to get food or go to the bathroom and she never knows I am gone. Heather did not move very much. If she did it was to go to the bathroom or ask for pain or nausea medication. Not really seeing her open her eyes. Not to hear her talking. Knowing that she was in such extreme pain and there was nothing I could do to help her. It was the most helpless feeling I have ever had.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

All moms know the "smell" of a newborns head. It has the "baby" smell. I know this is a mom thing...you rock them and feed them and smell the top of their heads. The smell that tells you this is your child...your one and only baby. Well...Heather has regained that smell. She handed me her hat to get into the shower. She asked me to smell it to make sure it did not smell...It was a flood of memories of when she was born...what a moment. Heather's baby smell was and is back. 

I love her little head so much. She looks so beautiful...I only see her as a baby...9 months...15 months...bald as a que ball... she looks the same now as she did as a baby. I love her little head so much...I thought it would bother me to see her with no hair...but now...I can't remember her with hair. When she wears a wig it looks odd to me...she feels better and I want her to wear it if she wants to, but it is strange as I look at her, as I take care of her, as I take care of Jenn and Wendy too all I see as a momy is priceless moments. As tough as this time is and will be ... I honestly believe I have the best job ever.....Being Jenn, Heather and Wendy's momy. In the ever precious words of Heather... I am forever her MOMY!! One "M"..the extra M one is a waste in her eyes.

Many people have told me I am strong and courageous to do for Heather what I am doing. I have to say no..I am her momy and I am doing what I am supposed to do. I did not ask for this, but I will face it head on and be the strong mother of courage and not a coward to run and hide from this illness. How could a momy not rise to come to the aid of her hurting baby....no matter what age they are. 

My Cancer...

2011-10-04T23:40:00.000-07:00

Monday, April 7, 2008 we got the call from the ENT that the biopsy showed cancer. We didn't have any idea of what type of cancer but there hints of leukemia or lymphoma. This was written by Heather...I think she was facing this part better than most people would. She was actually relieved that there was something wrong with her and she was not imagining it.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008 at 4:03am

Wow, I'm actually claiming it as "my cancer" and there's no other way to say it. Maybe some people might say I'm bluntly saying it, but I've contacted as many people as I can to tell them myself, but I really feel it will help to keep understanding that its my cancer. I have cancer. Its not going away, no matter how tight I shut my eyes. So... I have cancer.

I've been sick since November. Right after Thanksgiving is when I really noticed it. Looking back at pictures from a wedding I attended I see that my lymph nodes were getting swollen... so October was that wedding. I've been in and out of the doctors office and I cannot seem to get well and stay well. For someone who's always been a very strong child, person and very healthy, this is weird to say the least. I just kept thinking, why am I sick? After pressing for more answers and also having my lymph nodes around my face getting continually bigger, and popping up all over the neck, collar bones and shoulders, something had to give. I am grateful to have had the right doctor at the right time to help diagnose something that can be very hard to. I had the right biopsy tests run and the first of several came back today and said I have cancer. Blood cancer. Not sure as to if its lymphoma or leukemia. But its one if not a mixture of both call ALL...or CLL. So.. now its just wait until my appointment on Thursday to find out more. So... if you think of it.. give me a call.. I'd love to hear from you. I'm still me just got something to fight now. I'm okay and will only be stronger from this. okay?

My Favorite Things....

2011-09-30T22:45:00.000-07:00

I recently found lots of notes that Heather wrote on her Facebook and/or MySpace pages. I thought I would take some time and share some of her actual words and thoughts with you. I usually write about her but thought you might like to read her own words. It is really quite interesting. If you knew Heather then you can see her saying this things, if not, it will give you a sense of her very essence. I hope you enjoy this list of 25 things about Heather that you may not know:

Friday, January 30, 2009 at 12:52am

1. I peed my pants in Kindergarten because my teacher said I should have thought about that at recess, and if I really did have to go, I'd pee my pants. So I did.
2. I took piano lessons for a lil over 5 yrs, but cannot play Chopsticks.
3. I really am a Princess
4. Sunflowers are my favorite
5. I started school in MN
6. I've never been on a train ride
7. I am obsessed with closets and closet space
8. As much as I love pink, and get very excited about the color, Red is truly my favorite color.
9. I can identify Estee Lauder's "Beautiful" perfume on anyone wearing it around me
10. I love diet coke
11. I still have never had a boyfriend or been on an official date
12. I am Team Edward
13. I have splashed around in both the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans
14. I like cottage cheese
15. Peppermint Mocha is my favorite Starbucks drink
16. Nurses are my hero's!!!
17. My mom shaved my head this summer
18. I am still afraid of the dark
19. I saw Disney's "Enchanted" 7 times in the movie theater
20. My blood type is O Positive
21. My middle name is Nicole
22. Cowboys are my weakness..(Anyone, can you name that Country song??? and Artist???)
23. I want to get married in Disneyland (check out the Disney Dream Weddings website!)
24. Farting is the funniest thing ever. When I am 80, I will still laugh!
25. I absolutely hate pickles and mustard!!! With a burning passion